4Alexander Graham Bell's Six Nippled Sheep
As all of you (hopefully) know, Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, which is arguably the single most important invention of all fucking time. As probably none of you know, one of Bell's less notable inventions is the six nippled sheep.
"SIX GODDAMN TITS ON A MOTHERFUCKING SHEEP!"
Bell spent the last 30 years of his life and $250,000 (adjusted for inflation that's roughly the Gross Domestic Product of Canada) on his beloved deranged sheep. Why would a famed inventor spend all his time and money just to shit on nature? To make more sheep, of course. Upon purchasing a pet ewe for his children, Bell noted sheep possessed only two nipples, an inferior number compared to pigs and cats. Evolution had clearly fucked this one up.
Bell versus Evolution: The Throwdown.
Bell figured that sheep with more nipples would naturally produce more offspring and thus make farmers' wallets fatter, a postulation not supported by science of any kind. Of course, the ramifications of the nipple enhanced sheep implies more far-reaching applications, the likes of which man has only fantasized about to this point.
And by "man" we mean Total Recall.
3Dr. Yoshiro Nakamatsu's Love Spray
While not widely known in America, Dr. Yoshiro Nakamatsu (who prefers to go by Dr. NakaMats) is a legend in Japan. He holds the world record for the most patents at 3,200, three times as many as Edison. He had a hand in inventing the floppy disk, CDs, DVDs, digital watches and karaoke machines. Look around at all the stuff in your apartment and Dr. NakaMats probably had a hand in its creation.
This is not a random Google image result for "Japanese man".
This is actually Dr. NakaMats.
Dr. NakaMats's latest and greatest innovation is the Love Jet, which according to his best explanation is catnip for vaginas. Ladies can just spray a few pumps on their unmentionables and the men will come running, as detailed in the most unintentionally hilarious video of all time.
Dr. NakaMats claims to have tested his invention on over 10,000 women, but hastens to point out, "I'm not doing the sex, just checking the meters." (Which we assume is code for "I'm doing the sex.") It's also important to note that Dr. NakaMats asserts Love Jet removes the need for foreplay, which is like removing the dialog from a Michael Bay movie and just leaving the explosions.
Dr. NakaMats again, just hangin'.
While vagina magnet spray is a great idea on paper, we feel nature beat Dr. NakaMats to the punch by inventing its own way to attract men to vaginas--the vagina. Of course, Japan is the land of three donged demon rapists, so Japanese men may just have such a craving for the exotic that they raise the bar for vaginas higher than aforementioned vaginas can vault.
And we haven't even gotten to the nutty part. Dr. Nats sells his Love Jet for 30,000 yen (about $250) but they cost 80,000 yen to produce, resulting in a $400 loss per bottle. Why? Because Dr. NakaMats is worried about Japan's decreasing birth rate. He considers getting men and women hard a civic duty. Why can't our patriots be like that?