Great news, loyal readers! Cracked.com is now officially a member of the Liberal Media Conspiracy. We had to make a sizable contribution to the Democratic party and sacrifice the souls of eleven registered Republicans. It wasn't easy (sacrificial knives are irresponsibly dull), but now we'll be safe when Obama sends out his U.N. Stormtroopers to wipe out all dissident press.
|7 Insanely Dangerous Reboots of Popular Sports
The deadlier something is, the more interesting it is to watch. If Nascar would just arm a few spectators with Panzerfausts, they'd be HUGE...er.
"Ummm...boxing would be totally awesome on motorcycles. Could you imagine seeing someone land a 90mph right hook? Holy crap that's entertainment. "
We'll take this a step further, El-ahrairah, and suggest merging MMA and Motocross.
|6 Insane Coincidences You Won't Believe Actually Happened
Poe made another eerily-accurate prediction in the 'Cask of Amontillado', but that won't be widely known until future generations dig up the Jack O'Brien's wine cellar.
"That's nothing. One time I thought about nachos and I went to 7/11 and got some. My mind and my body are coincidentalists."
Just 'One' time, RaceCarraCecaR? We're calling bullshit.
|5 Reasons The Founding Fathers Were Kind of Dicks
Every one you have ever admired was an asshole.
"I thought the idea was to make the weekly roundup "notable comment picker" (probably the president of this crapjob) look for sweet relief in the barrel of a gun? "
Cracked.com has it on good authority that commenter 'IliveInHoth' sucks more dicks than an Olympic Cock-Sucking Team.
|7 Actors Typecast in Bizarrely Specific Roles
By comparison, being typecast as a starship captain or a Jedi warrior doesn't sound nearly as bad.
"dude, you completely forgot tom cruise. some how he always ends up playing the good guy, even when hes playing the bad guy, hes still the f**king good guy. damn scientology. "
So 'good guy' counts as a 'bizarrely specific role', tankgunner?
|6 Things Your Body Does Every Day (That Can Destroy You)
We'd say that your body is like a ticking time bomb, but it's a lot more like a minefield.
"I read that Squatting toilets actually greatly reduce any of the associated problems with crapping. Turns out we weren't ever meant to sit while crapping."
Cytrode is right. This is why we need to go back to crapping out of open windows. It's much safer for everyone.
|Father Son Bonding Time Goes Horribly Wrong.
Fun for the whole family!
YOU YOU YOU!
|The 25 Least Useful Self-Help Books Possible
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Resturaunts Were Honest.
Stalin Wins! Flawless Victory!
I guess that answers whether Stalin spits or swallows.
Pictured: James Cameron practicing his acceptance speech for Avatar
Stop it Nickelback. NOTHING can make you awesome.
by Mr. Excalibur
Where's the beef?
Sign: Kirstie Alley was here.
The Return of The Kings. All of Them.
by Kamikaze Phoenix
The King and the King and the King and the King and the King and the King and I.
How presidential elections would look like without corporate donations
Pulled by immigrants, powered by flatulence and driven by an idiot. It just doesn't get more American than that.
Sure, it's funny when the tentacles attack someone else ...
We're secretly replacing one of these seven Japanese girls with a South Korean. Will anybody notice?
Sobriety tests have gotten really f**king complicated.
If he bought that from Ikea...he's as good as dead.
by Mr. Excalibur