7 Kama Sutra Sex Tips That Will Put You In The Hospital

#3. Biting the Sides

"Teeth of good quality are even and of the right size, with a shiny, reflective surface, sharp edges..."
- Vatsyayana

The Kama Sutra contains a remarkably in-depth section dedicated to the biting of various erogenous zones, and really any place on the body that can fit between your teeth (though they do helpfully remind us that biting your partner's eyes is generally frowned upon).

The same section details an optimal oral sex technique called "biting the sides," which is exactly what it sounds like.

"Pecker Chomp" was rejected by the Kama Sutra editorial staff.

Some of the other biting maneuvers that are described include "The Swollen Bite," "The Hidden Bite" and "Chewing on the Wild Boar." Really, there is no way any of these could possibly backfire.

Why it's Dangerous:

Obviously biting is already a dangerous game, so when you throw genitalia and orgasmic spasms into the mix, it becomes a frigging minefield. Sexologist Anne Hooper prefaces the biting section in her editions of the Kama Sutra that "at orgasm the jaws often go into spasm and clamp shut, and can inflict a serious wound."

So yeah, make sure to whitewash every "biting" part of the book with Holy Water should you ever buy a used copy for your Twilight-loving girlfriend.

#2. The Variant Yawning Position

"When she raises both of her legs, and places them on her lover's shoulders, it is called the 'yawning position.'"
- Vatsyayana

The Variant Yawning Position offers the deepest penetration possible in traditional intercourse, essentially turning your penis into one of those armor piercing bullets from Lethal Weapon 3.

"Wow, he's... he's really in there."

Why it's Dangerous:

Believe it or not, the Kama Sutra was written for men with even smaller penises than what women have to settle for today. Back then, a good size dong was about four-inches, whereas today, the average guy maxes out at about six and a half. The average vaginal depth is around five-inches, give or take, so you can do the math. Being positioned for the deepest possible penetration isn't doing men or women any favors unless he's attempting to drill her uterus for oil.

The most common injury is tearing the vaginal wall, but if the guy goes in too far he could end up knocking so hard on the girl's cervix that it ruptures. Basically, if you don't stay in constant communication with each other while attempting this position, you're basically flying blind while performing very delicate surgery with a mallet.

#1. Painful Heating

"If a man has shed his semen in non-human females, in a man, in a menstruating woman, in something other than a vagina, or in water, he should carry out the Painful Heating vow."
- Vatsyayana

The Painful Heating vow is what the Kama Sutra instructs men to engage in should they ever throw a shot into anything that isn't a human vagina not currently in its monthly cycle.

While the "non-human vagina" thing shouldn't be too hard for most people to avoid, the rest of the list is admittedly limiting, because it essentially means no oral sex, no anal sex, no homosexual sex, no pulling out, no condoms and no tugging on your pool cue in the shower.

"Um... we could watch Batman, I guess."

Still, the vow is meant as an honorable gesture to keep men from turning into sexual deviants, which despite the surprisingly conservative list of restrictions (coming from the Kama Sutra, which has an entire chapter about how to seduce other men's wives) isn't itself a totally unreasonable idea.

Why it's Dangerous:

That is, until you realize what exactly Painful Heating is. Basically, the man is supposed to drink a mixture of cow urine, cow shit, grass, water, milk, butter and yogurt.

The yogurt is for consistency.

After sucking that hellacious cocktail down, he's not allowed to eat anything else for an entire day, virtually guaranteeing permanent damage to his stomach before he shits it down his pant leg and likely dies from 14 different bacterial infections.

Considering this vow is the same regardless of whether you were caught nailing a water buffalo or caught masturbating into a tube sock, we're thinking it would be less extreme to just wrap a bar of soap in a bath towel and smash yourself in the nuts with it.

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We aren't finished frightening you yet. Check out 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital and 9 Awesome Places to Have Sex (And the Horrific Consequences).

And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 3.15.2010) to see Seanbaby's version of the Kama Sutra.

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