5Penis Enlargement via Wasp Sting
"To Increase the Size and Potential of the Penis: Take shuka hairs - the shuka is an insect that lives in trees - mix with oil and rub on the penis for ten nights... When a swelling appears sleep face downwards on a wooden bed, letting one's sex hang through a hole. "
If you're like us, you add a few extra inches when measuring your manhood because dicks should be graded on a curve. But the Kama Sutra teaches us that we don't have to be ashamed anymore with a sure-fire method of penis enlargement. All you have to do is collect some "shuka hairs," mix them with oil, and rub them on your yogurt cannon for 10 days. Make this part of your nighttime routine, and you'll be like Ron Jeremy in no time.
Which is apparently a good thing.
Why it's Dangerous:
Pictured: fucking wasp, fucking stinger.
If a person gives you a piece of advice that begins with the phrase "rub wasp stingers on your dick," hitting said person in the face with a brick is not only legal but actually required in some jurisdictions. See, death is a rare but potential result of engaging in this lunacy when you consider that three to five percent of people are vulnerable to "some sort" of allergy to stings ("acute death" and "inflammation of the not-alive-anymore gland" being two such allergies). The rest of the population is subjected to the general discomfort of sticking your penis in a beehive.
Sure, given the massive swelling that would result from thousands of stings could actually make it larger, but that's sort of like gouging your eyes out so you don't have to wear glasses anymore. Sometimes embarrassment is better than mutilating your penis with insect venom.
4The Pressed Position
"When the legs are contracted, and thus held by the lover before his bosom, it is called the 'pressed position.'"
While on the surface a rather harmless sexual position, the Pressed Position is a bit awkward because it brings feet in on the action like an uninvited roommate. Basically, both partners are facing each other while the girl presses her feet against the guy's chest, sort of like a crablegged dropkick only with more vaginal penetration.
Sent from the future to robo-blast your vagina in the past.
The man, with his hands comparatively free, is supposed to massage aforementioned feet with a lustful vigor, something which is hard for most of us to achieve while rubbing some chick's gnarled bootclaws.
This image is nothing like what you would experience.
Why it's Dangerous:
Most modern versions of the Kama Sutra suggest that you add reflexology to the mix, which is a type of alternative medicine focusing on pressure points in the feet that correspond to different areas of the body.
Reflexology for Dummies.
While this dabbling in holistic remedies might be how you tricked your new age girlfriend into sex in the first place, the danger posed is that you're essentially fooling around with something that people actually go to school for. Also, you're having sex with someone while essentially tickling their feet, which makes you about a hundred times more likely to get a spastic kick to the face that knocks your teeth down your throat.
And of course there's always the chance that reflexology isn't total bullshit and you accidentally squeeze whatever part of the girl's foot that causes her heart to shut down.