5 Ways to Enjoy Terrible Winter Olympic Events

#2. Curling

Has anyone on Earth ever actually watched a curling match? Nah, but if you let Wikipedia tell it (and they always tell it true), it's stupid awesome. How awesome? Check it:

The complex nature of stone placement and shot selection has led some to refer to curling as "chess on ice."

Holy shit! Chess? On ice? Who the hell doesn't like watching chess? Imagine taking all of the boredom and confusion that comes with watching brainiacs move chess pieces around and combining that with people in silly shoes furiously shaking brooms around a big ass rock!

Shit, I'm not buying this at all. Fuck curling. But hey, if it's your thing, enjoy it. You weirdo. Or Canadian. That was kind of redundant.

Or You Could Just...

Play shuffleboard and take a nap. I want to take a nap just thinking about curling. Actually, forget the shuffleboard; you're not curling, so you've already won!

#1. Figure Skating

This entire article has been building up to this moment; the moment when I can drop all pretenses and be honest with you, the reader. Here goes... I fucking love figure skating. Women's figure skating, anyway. Men's figure skating is an abomination that should be jettisoned from the public consciousness post haste. But that's neither here nor there. Let's talk about women's figure skating.

You know what I've spent my life doing? The same thing that you have: Nothing. As a result of that particular life track, few things give me more joy than to see another person's dreams go down in flames. And nowhere will you see more hopes dashed in such a brief amount of time than when you're watching women's figure skating.

These ladies spend, literally, over half their lives preparing for this one moment. Before they take the ice, you're almost always treated to a teary eyed back story about how their parents saw something special in them so, for the sake of developing their budding talent, they sold their house, moved 800 miles away to be closer to the best coaches and unloaded the less talented kids onto black market child traffickers. It's a sacrifice, sure, but more than worth it so little Oksana could pursue her dream of winning a gold medal at the Winter Olympics.

And then, with a 1/16th of second miscalculation, Oksana's potentially medal winning triple toe loop turns into an embarrassing fall and slide of shame halfway across the ice, preferably ending with a slamming into the border that separates the audience from the no good fuck up who just made enemies out of her parents.

And just when you come down from the smug high of knowing that, with that much training, YOU certainly would have nailed that jump, you get to see it all over again with the next skater. It's enough to make a man want to frame that Chili's Employee of the Month certificate. It's not much of an accomplishment, but at least your failure didn't take your parents and, by extension, your entire country down with it. Well done, sir. You are truly a champion.

Or You Could Just...

Sit at a casino for six hours. There will be far fewer chicks in figure skating costumes flying through the air, but there will likely be several whores on the premises. And when it comes to sitting back joyfully as hopes and dreams are squashed, no place on Earth has more of that per capita than a casino. Everywhere you turn, someone will be making a shambles of their once productive life. It's awesome. You may never be an Olympic athlete, but you aren't any of these people either. And that makes you a winner.


Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.


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