#3. Kevin Bacon Likes Kids... A Little Too Much
Sean Nokes in 1996's Sleepers
Walter in 2004's The Woodsman
They sexually assaulted children and have to face the repercussions years later.
Sean Nokes is a guard at a juvenile detention center where the main characters are sentenced after accidentally injuring an old man in what would have otherwise been a hilarious hotdog-stealing caper. Nokes and the other guards take full advantage of their powers over these children by raping them while making them recite prayers. Surely he'll get away with it, right?
Years after their release, two of the children, now grown, run into Nokes at a restaurant and confront him. Despite the fact that he claims he meant no harm by it.
"Let's not bicker and argue about who raped who!"
The two aren't feeling too forgiving and give him what he deserves: a gunshot in the dick (link provided for the two people on the planet who for whatever reason actually want to see that) and then several more times throughout his body. He survives. Just kidding.
Walter has just been released from an adult detention center and is trying to get his life back together. He gets a job at a lumber mill and meets a new lady-friend, Vicki. Once things start to get serious, Walter confesses why he was in jail: He molested little girls. You're cool with that, right Vick?
Vicki is appalled, despite the fact that he claims he meant no harm by it.
"How did this get in here? Somebody's pulling a prank on me!"
Eventually, Vicki gets over it, because what's a little molestation among friends, but when people at work find out, they aren't nearly as forgiving, and give him a fraction of what he deserves: a serious pushing around which is immediately broken up by... David Alan Grier? (And was that Eve watching?)
In The Woodsman, Walter's girlfriend was played by Kyra Sedgwick, who was in Phenomenon with John Travolta, who was in Pulp Fiction with Bruce Willis, who was in Twelve Monkeys with Brad Pitt, who played the grown up version of one the kids Sean Nokes sodomized in Sleepers.
Though Bacon claims, "I worked with kids quite a bit in kind of rough situations... and what I like to do is make it as clear as possible to them... that we are actors and we're going to pretend together. That we are going to be colleagues and roll up our sleeves and act off of each other," we still wouldn't let him babysit our children.
#2. Melinda Clarke's Hookers Can't Commit
Lady Heather on TV's CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Nandi on TV's Firefly
They turn to the male lead for help when a girl from the brothel they run gets into trouble and worries for her other girls' safety. They then discover a mutual chemistry and eventually sleep together, but after he helps, their romance turns into friendship and mutual respect, just like in real life on planet Zongo.
C.S.I. (The first one, in Las Vegas):
When one of women working at Lady Heather's brothel turns up dead in a sandbox, forensic entomologist Gil Grissom and company show up to investigate. Gil is immediately drawn in by the dominatrix's seductive talk and big ol'... uh, bangs.
"So how much do you charge? We need to know for the case and stuff."
In her second appearance, Lady Heather is reunited with Gil when another murder leads him back to her Internet-savvy whorehouse and things heat up between them. Of course, because a lot of old people watch the C.S.I.'s and would take issue with their favorite investigator banging a whore, Gil and Heather's sexin' had was merely implied off-screen.
Thanks a lot, gramps.
Lady Heather returns several more times (eventually making the transition from dominatrix to therapist) and she and Gil become friends, and she helps him sort out his feelings, and, we'd guess, locate his missing balls.
When one of Nandi's girls gets knocked up by a powerful and dangerous man named Rance Burgess, space cowboy Malcolm Reynolds is called in to protect her and the other space whore. Malcolm is immediately drawn in by her seductive talk and big ol'... uh, bangs. Because a lot of Firefly's fans are horny geeks, the two go at it on-screen with plenty of almost nudity.
Mal... just, come on... to the left... move over...
Afterwards, Malcolm feels odd because he's in love with Inara, Nandi's old friend. While preparing for battle with Rance's men, Nandi talks things out with Malcolm and helps him sort his feelings out.
Melinda Clarke has daddy issues.
#1. Brian Cox's Kids Do the Darndest Things
Suicidal breeder of suicidal horses, Richard Morgan, in 2002's The Ring
Mutant-hating military scientist, William Stryker, in 2003's X2: X-Men United
They were married with one kid.
They were bitter people.
They had a tendency to bring their work home.
Their wives were driven mad and committed suicide as a result of their children's supernatural ability to put images into people's heads.
Rachel Keller is investigating a video tape that, after being viewed, causes a little girl to crawl out of your TV and kill you. Her search for an explanation brings her to Richard Morgan, a bitter horse breeder whose wife and horses all killed themselves. After further investigation, Rachel learns that the little girl on the tape is Richard's adopted daughter who was killed and believes it was Richard who killed her, which is odd because he's such a positive guy surrounded by happiness and all.
Appalled, Rachel returns to Mr. Morgan's house to confront him about how he could do something so terrible to his own child, and catches him about to commit a somewhat elaborate suicide. Before taking the final plunge, Richard reveals to Rachel that his daughter could torture people by putting images into their heads, and that's why his wife killed herself.
For the love of god, not Nancy Pelosi doing naked push-ups! No!!
X2: X-Men United:
The X-Men's base of operations, Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, is raided by the military and Xavier is brought to a secret base. There, William Stryker, a bitter government operative, tries to use his semi-lobotomized son to force Xavier to locate every mutant on Earth and wipe them out.
Eh, it beats working at the DMV.
Appalled, Xavier asks Stryker how he could do such a horrible thing to his own child. Stryker reveals that his son could torture people by putting images into their heads, and that is why his wife killed herself, and why William wants to wipe out the mutant race. Plus he keeps leaving the toilet seat up.
What? It's messy, that's why.
Brian Cox might just be a bad husband and father.
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And find out about some of Hollywood's go to actors for the same exact role, in The 9 Most Typecast Actors of All Time. Or check out some actors who are glad they didn't get typecast in these commercial roles, in The 5 Most Ridiculous Celebrity Cameos in Japanese Ads.
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