Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

There are exactly one bajillion songs about sex out in the world, from country ballads to soul-stirring masterpieces like "Smell Yo Dick" by Riskay. But there are some more subtle songs hidden away in the folds of the Billboard Top 40. Popular songs that might seem to be about love or sex upon first listen, but for whatever reason decided to toss in a line or two that makes it seem like it's more about the love you have in an alley with the assistance of an ether soaked rag.

"Baby It's Cold Outside" - Dean Martin & Doris Day

Offending Lyrics:

Her: but maybe just a half a drink more
Him: (put some records on while I pour)
Her: the neighbors might faint
Him: (baby it's bad out there)
Her: say what's in this drink
Him: (no cabs to be had out there)

What It's Saying:

No Christmas in a department store is complete without having to listen to Dean Martin croon this tune about four times an hour. It features the kind of saucy banter your parents think is awesome and probably made your mom hot after a few egg nogs back in the day. Sick.

Curiously, however, in Dean's extended efforts to keep his lady friend from leaving him for the night, they slip in the somewhat off putting line in which it's implied that Dean has laced her drink with roofies. Because really, if the weather won't keep her in the house, date rape drugs are the next best step.

Pictured: The Dean Martin Home Seduction Kit.

In fairness, Deano might just be doping her with rum, although that's not really all that much more honorable considering the entire debate is about whether she should drive home. Perhaps best of all is when she wises up and asks what's in the drink and he glosses over it like it ain't no thang, pointing out that there are no cabs available. So the best case scenario for this holiday gem is essentially: Dean Martin forces himself on a woman with the threat of a DUI and potentially vehicular manslaughter.

"Summer Nights" - Olivia Newton John & John Travolta

Offending Lyrics:

Girls: Tell me more, tell me more, was it love at first sight?
Guys: Tell me more, tell me more, did she put up a fight?

What It's Saying:

Grease was a charming musical about how Olivia Newton John used to be famous. Apparently it was some sort of play as well. That aside, near the beginning of the story, the two main characters tell their friends about their summer and, because musicals are zany like that, it takes the form of a song.

While our greasy hero Danny Zuko tells his friends about meeting a girl named Sandy, the first thing Danny's friends want to know is if he got laid and the second question is if she fought back particularly hard. Apparently the T-Birds amateur rapist club is taking notes, and want some idea of what to expect should they find themselves with the opportunity to overpower a special young lady of their own one day.

Continue Reading Below

"Brown Sugar" - Rolling Stones

Offending Lyrics:

Old coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
Hear him with the women just around midnight

Brown sugar how come you taste so good?
Brown sugar just like a young girl should

What It's Saying:

Just to be clear, this appears to be a song about raping slaves. Because of the catchy beat and repetitive chorus, you may have just assumed this was a song about how Mick Jagger was enduring a case of decrepit, British jungle fever, but it's kind of unmistakable when the first verse talks about slave ships and cotton fields.

Tell that to this novelty t-shirt

The chorus creeps up out of nowhere, amidst what's arguably a horrible tale about a slaver sexually abusing his slaves in the middle of the night. How come you taste so good? Is it because you were kidnapped from your home and forced into servitude? Now that's tasty.

"Father Figure" - George Michael

Offending Lyrics:

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
(Be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you -
Until the end of time
That's all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime

What It's Saying:

Sometime after the release of this song, George Michael was arrested for trying to play a game of softy swords in a public restroom with a cop. So that's off putting. But that aside, any song in which the singer wants to be someone's daddy--someone with tiny hands, for whom their love could be "mistaken" for a crime--you've got yourself a recipe for one creepy-as-shit stew.

Kids, this is not your daddy.

On a side note, any time you profess to want to be someone's father and preacher for "anything they have in mind," all you really need to do is offer to be their pony and/or Nazi jailor as well and you've pretty much touched on everything that's ever been awful in the history of ever.

Continue Reading Below

"Maggie May" - Rod Stewart

Offending Lyrics:

All you did was wreck my bed
and in the morning kick me in the head

You lured me away from home
just to save you from being alone
You stole my heart
I couldn't leave you if I tried.
I suppose I could collect my books and get back to school.

What It's Saying:

This song's been a staple of soft rock stations for years and seems like a pretty standard kind of a mind-gelatinizing love song, until you start wondering why Rod's singing about going back to school and maybe going home to his parents one day.

Who knows why Rod Stewart does anything?

The line about being lured away from home clinches the deal. Maggie is a lonely, lecherous old sex offender who apparently steals little boys with terrible haircuts, fucks them mercilessly and destroys their beds in the process.

"My Sharona" - The Knack

Offending Lyrics:

Never gonna stop, give it up
Such a dirty mind, always get it up
For the touch of the younger kind

What It's Saying:

While a quick listen makes it seem like this is a song by idiots that's barely anything beyond gibberish, it's in fact an ode to pedophilia and general debauchery. Who knew?

If you're appalled, try using "Ray Liotta" in place of the chorus for renewed enjoyment

The singer wants us to know over the course of the song that he really wants to bang this Sharona girl and, apparently, that's whether she likes it or not because he has no plans on stopping. And he always gets it up for younger girls. Normally when you advertise this kind of stuff, Chris Hansen asks to sit down and talk to you.

Continue Reading Below

"Young Girl" - Gary Puckett

Offending Lyrics:

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl,
You're much too young, girl

What It's Saying:

This song is almost too obvious a choice--clearly it's about a guy who has a thing for a girl who's too young. Underage young? The song came out in 1968, so we're guessing somewhere around 14. Hey, at least he's bothered to give her good advice. That shit's creepy. "Better run, girl."

Who cares? It was in Glee!

In a testament to self control, Puckett immediately goes from trying to dissuade a girl who should be off playing with Barbies or Susan Sontag dolls or whatever girls in the 60s were into, to threatening her with unspoken consequences if she doesn't leave. If you don't run away now, I am going to have to do all manner of acts that haven't been permissible since the Middle Ages, and it'll be your fault.

"Possession" - Sarah McLachlan

Offending Lyrics:

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

What It's Saying:

This almost seems innocuous at first, maybe describing a little rough play going on up in Canada for Sarah but nothing crazier than when grandpa and grandpa break into the schnapps on their anniversary, right? Except that this song was inspired by McLachlan's brush with a stalker who sent numerous, crazy-as-a-shithouse-rat letters to her. The stalker actually sued McLachlan after the song was released for plagiarism, alleging she'd used the content of his letters in the song, but the case never made it to trial because he killed himself, potentially because he realized he was obsessed with Sarah McLachlan for some fucking reason.

When not making videos, Sarah stars in Cirque du Soleil as "The Pendulum Mummy"

In any event, it's safe to assume that when he wrote about holding her down and kissing her so hard it takes her breath away, he meant it in the horrifying literal sense and probably intended on stuffing her with old socks and keeping her on the sofa for the next few years as well.

You can find more from Ian Fortey over at FunnyCrave.com, or right here on Cracked, where the chef is recommending his look at 12 "Sexy" Ads That Will Give You Nightmares, and his last guest column wherein he explained Why Homemade Porn is a Worse Idea Than You Think.

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments