Is there a special someone in your life? A certain girl whose beauty outshines the sun, whose laugh lights up the room, whose very presence causes a great welling of emotion within you?
Yeah there is. And she won't talk to you any more, right? Because of those things you did or didn't do? Man, what a shrew.
Moving on with your life is the conventional wisdom in these cases, but that path isn't for everyone. Sometimes you don't want to do what's right, you want to do what feels right! For comedic purposes, here we will assume that what feels right to you is "seeking revenge on your ex" and not "living a rich and full life."
Well it turns out that the most successful techniques for irritating your ex are tightly tied to the techniques that originally won her heart. By adapting well established wooing techniques to suit your childish needs, we've created the following list of revenge techniques, sure to mildly annoy your one-time lover.
#5. Dinner at a Fancy Restaurant.
Imagine a night out at a nice restaurant. The pair of you all dressed up in your nicest clothes. The sounds of violin music filter through the mingled conversations of other happy couples. A clever joke and a matching laugh. Candlelight dances across the features of her face. A mischievous smile. Wine is poured. The smile gets bigger. You've never seen her look so happy.
A look which immediately leaves her face when she turns away from her date and sees you, seated across the restaurant, with another man.
To pull this one off, you'll need to know in advance where your ex will spend their time on Valentine's Day. This will involve some form of prior intelligence, like knowing what her favorite restaurant is, or how to tail a car without being spotted. After she arrives, you simply arrive a few minutes later with your own date, a guy named Robert, who despite being a casual acquaintance from work, agreed to wear something snug and provocative in exchange for a free meal.
The goal here is to instill concern in your ex's mind that her actions or physical characteristics turned you off of women altogether. To help enforce that notion, as soon as your ex notices you, break eye contact immediately. Lean in and engage Robert in a hushed conversation, sprinkled with loud guffaws and repeated glances in your ex's direction. Throw in a some bizarre hand gestures to really confuse them--they will definitely be re-examining your previous sex-life by this point--and if they see you waving your forearm back and forth like a salmon and making barking noises, some really self-critical ideas will begin flying through their head.
#4. Share a Secret Tweet Between the Two of You.
Couples have many intimate moments during which conversations, jokes and even single words will take on special significance--tokens of a shared moment together. It's little things like this which provide couples their closest feelings of intimacy, and is something the modern pornography industry has still failed to capture.
Sharing some of these moments on Twitter would then be a fun little way to broadcast to the world a little coded message that only your partner can read. For example if during last Valentine's Day you went to a restaurant and had a really terrible waiter:
@MLPFan: Remember that water I asked for last year at La Chaussette? And it showed up with a moron's thumb in it? LOL. about 3 hours ago from web
Whose mind wouldn't flood with warm memories upon reading that? OK, yours. You monster. So let's say that instead of warm feelings, you wanted to fill your ex's heart with warm... something worse. Maybe not warm poison, but something bad. Warm gravy maybe. What would you do then? Well you could use a nearly identical technique to exact your revenge:
@MLPFan: Sweetey, did you ever get that back tattoo of Ray Romano removed? about 2 hours ago from web
@HarryPoppins: No, did you ever manage to sell that script for a romantic comedy set in the Babylon 5 Universe? about 2 hours ago from twitterfeed
@MLPFan: Yes but one of your breasts is smaller than the other. about 2 hours ago from web
@HarryPoppins: And they're both smaller than yours. about 2 hours ago from twitterfeed
Twitter is great for this kind of childish bickering. Sharing embarrassing information about your ex used to involve hastily scrawled notes on bathroom stalls, or expensive blimp advertisements. But now thanks to the medium of Twitter, the whole world can know about your ex's deviancies or low moments. Be sure to tag your tweets appropriately (e.g. completely inappropriately) to ensure a wide audience:
@MLPFan #superbowl: Marcia Slidowski once peed herself laughing so hard during a movie, they had to stop the film.
#3. Stand Outside Their Window Holding a Boombox.
This iconic scene from Say Anything is commonly cited as one of the most romantic scenes in movie history. Recreating it is incredibly easy as well. Simply approach her window, hold a boombox above your head and press play. Sit back and wait, as she rouses from a daydream, confused, then intrigued, as she walks towards the window, growing more annoyed with each step, as she realizes she is hearing the sound of your amplified voice reading back a list of her faults.
This technique works even better if you can somehow get Peter Gabriel on board to read that list. He's supposedly pretty big into humanitarian activities these days, so maybe try approaching him from that angle.