Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

Is there a special someone in your life? A certain girl whose beauty outshines the sun, whose laugh lights up the room, whose very presence causes a great welling of emotion within you?

Yeah there is. And she won't talk to you any more, right? Because of those things you did or didn't do? Man, what a shrew.

Moving on with your life is the conventional wisdom in these cases, but that path isn't for everyone. Sometimes you don't want to do what's right, you want to do what feels right! For comedic purposes, here we will assume that what feels right to you is "seeking revenge on your ex" and not "living a rich and full life."

Well it turns out that the most successful techniques for irritating your ex are tightly tied to the techniques that originally won her heart. By adapting well established wooing techniques to suit your childish needs, we've created the following list of revenge techniques, sure to mildly annoy your one-time lover.

5
Dinner at a Fancy Restaurant.

Imagine a night out at a nice restaurant. The pair of you all dressed up in your nicest clothes. The sounds of violin music filter through the mingled conversations of other happy couples. A clever joke and a matching laugh. Candlelight dances across the features of her face. A mischievous smile. Wine is poured. The smile gets bigger. You've never seen her look so happy.

A look which immediately leaves her face when she turns away from her date and sees you, seated across the restaurant, with another man.

To pull this one off, you'll need to know in advance where your ex will spend their time on Valentine's Day. This will involve some form of prior intelligence, like knowing what her favorite restaurant is, or how to tail a car without being spotted. After she arrives, you simply arrive a few minutes later with your own date, a guy named Robert, who despite being a casual acquaintance from work, agreed to wear something snug and provocative in exchange for a free meal.

The goal here is to instill concern in your ex's mind that her actions or physical characteristics turned you off of women altogether. To help enforce that notion, as soon as your ex notices you, break eye contact immediately. Lean in and engage Robert in a hushed conversation, sprinkled with loud guffaws and repeated glances in your ex's direction. Throw in a some bizarre hand gestures to really confuse them--they will definitely be re-examining your previous sex-life by this point--and if they see you waving your forearm back and forth like a salmon and making barking noises, some really self-critical ideas will begin flying through their head.

Continue Reading Below

4
Share a Secret Tweet Between the Two of You.

Couples have many intimate moments during which conversations, jokes and even single words will take on special significance--tokens of a shared moment together. It's little things like this which provide couples their closest feelings of intimacy, and is something the modern pornography industry has still failed to capture.

Sharing some of these moments on Twitter would then be a fun little way to broadcast to the world a little coded message that only your partner can read. For example if during last Valentine's Day you went to a restaurant and had a really terrible waiter:

@MLPFan: Remember that water I asked for last year at La Chaussette? And it showed up with a moron's thumb in it? LOL. about 3 hours ago from web

Whose mind wouldn't flood with warm memories upon reading that? OK, yours. You monster. So let's say that instead of warm feelings, you wanted to fill your ex's heart with warm... something worse. Maybe not warm poison, but something bad. Warm gravy maybe. What would you do then? Well you could use a nearly identical technique to exact your revenge:

@MLPFan: Sweetey, did you ever get that back tattoo of Ray Romano removed? about 2 hours ago from web

@HarryPoppins: No, did you ever manage to sell that script for a romantic comedy set in the Babylon 5 Universe? about 2 hours ago from twitterfeed

@MLPFan: Yes but one of your breasts is smaller than the other. about 2 hours ago from web

@HarryPoppins: And they're both smaller than yours. about 2 hours ago from twitterfeed

Twitter is great for this kind of childish bickering. Sharing embarrassing information about your ex used to involve hastily scrawled notes on bathroom stalls, or expensive blimp advertisements. But now thanks to the medium of Twitter, the whole world can know about your ex's deviancies or low moments. Be sure to tag your tweets appropriately (e.g. completely inappropriately) to ensure a wide audience:

@MLPFan #superbowl: Marcia Slidowski once peed herself laughing so hard during a movie, they had to stop the film.

Continue Reading Below

3
Stand Outside Their Window Holding a Boombox.

This iconic scene from Say Anything is commonly cited as one of the most romantic scenes in movie history. Recreating it is incredibly easy as well. Simply approach her window, hold a boombox above your head and press play. Sit back and wait, as she rouses from a daydream, confused, then intrigued, as she walks towards the window, growing more annoyed with each step, as she realizes she is hearing the sound of your amplified voice reading back a list of her faults.

This technique works even better if you can somehow get Peter Gabriel on board to read that list. He's supposedly pretty big into humanitarian activities these days, so maybe try approaching him from that angle.

Continue Reading Below

2
Name Something After Them.

If you can create something beautiful and unique, something that will last throughout the ages, and name it after that special someone, they would have no choice but to feel pretty incredible. Imagine how Miss Chrysler Basilton felt when her fiance built that huge building in Manhattan as a wedding present for her?

So if you're in a position where you can name something--and we're talking about something important here, not a screenplay or a child--then why not name it after that special someone. Like if you're a poet and you're in love with a girl named Diane, you could call your newest poem "Diane." Or if you're a weapons scientist who once dated a girl named Claire who walked out on you and took a bunch of your DVDs, and have designed a new type of flechette that can rip flesh to shreds which will soon be outlawed by the U.N. Well then guess what? You just invented "Claires." Also, a doctor researching infectious diseases and bitterly missing his Bourne Trilogy boxed set would be ethically obligated to name something: "Claire Malikson's Loose Stool Syndrome."

Continue Reading Below

1
Become Closer With Their Family.

Less a romantic gesture, and more of a sign of commitment, becoming closer with your sweetheart's family and parents is a sure way to signal that you're ready to take this relationship to the next level. But what if the next level of your relationship is the basement, and it's been the basement for the past eight months, because apparently "you're just in different places right now"? What does that even mean? And should you be staying away from her family while you figure it out?

Absolutely not. In fact, the closer you can get, the better--you should be aiming to become as close as possible with her mother. The payoff for this will be unbelievably huge. Not only would you be just wrecking Thanksgiving, if this is executed to perfection, the potential of becoming a step-parent to your old ex opens up. This creates a variety of new avenues for ex-aggravation, including control over bedtimes, approval of whom they date and most importantly of all, estate planning.

Obviously this one is amazingly difficult to pull off, which is why we mentioned it last. To even have a hope you'd have to have studied the asshole arts for your entire life. Like if you grew up in a really treacherous monastery or something.

And if none of that works, you can always send a scary sex toy. You can research them with The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys and 18 More of the World's Most Disturbing Sex Toys.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

184 Comments

Load Comments