For anywhere between $400 and $2000, the Internet dares us to buy gas-cylindered, three-foot tall titanium devices called powerskips. Why would you want them? Because they let you run at incredible speeds and jump over cars, that's fucking why:
These cyborg kangaroo feet will turn you into a superhero, and most of us would throw an orphan into a volcano to earn that distinction. This website inexplicably offers both a standard and a pro version, because evidently there is a large enough market for robot speedboots to divide into amateur and professional classifications.
The only real drawback we can see is that if you slip or misstep, you're going to crack your head open at roughly the speed of sound, which isn't even that bad when you consider that the resulting obituary would be the single most entertaining thing ever published.
Between $600 and $1500 will buy you a Phoenix-Fly polyester bodysuit that allows you to glide through the air at incredible speeds, provided you can locate an airplane or cliff you're willing to fling yourself from and you have absolutely no reason whatsoever to live:
The suit basically turns your body into a giant birth defect complete with webbed armpits and a webbed crotch, so we figure anyone who willingly spends over a grand on one was probably going to jump off a mountain anyway.
Still, sort-of flying is seriously cool, despite the fact that to actually utilize your wingsuit you'd have to charter an airplane, which could wind up costing you just as much as the suit every single time you want to use it. So really, you might as well just send Phoenix-Fly your bank account information and throw yourself out of a helicopter. The end result will be the same and you'll save everyone some time.
And speaking of saving time, most of the suits can be put on in just three minutes, putting an end to those embarrassing emergency skydiving gaffes we all know too well.
#4. The Levitating Hover Scooter
It's clunky, it's expensive and it looks completely stupid, but fuck it. It's a hoverboard.
Nothing says "fuck it, it's a hoverboard" quite like this picture.
The Levitating Hover Scooter rides around on a cushion of air created by using a rubber skirt to make an airtight seal against the ground. While it's possible to build your own using a few leaf blowers and garbage bags, you can always buy a preassembled one for $17,000 from Hammacher Schlemmer if you just can't wait to start looking like a douchebag from the future.
On the plus side, the Hover Scooter can travel up to 15-mph, which is slower than a bike but faster than walking, and completely free of any pesky exercise. It's essentially the Jetsons version of a Segway, or a giant Roomba with handlebars. Hammacher Schlemmer actually makes a Roomba, which sheds some light on the Hover Scooter development process.
"Stand on this, Ted. I've got an idea."
#3. A Jetpack
Are you an adventure seeker with a small fortune and balls so big they have their own death wish? Just head on over to Jet P.I.'s website and buy a jetpack.
Unfortunately, the website has a little disclaimer saying that their jetpacks will only be sold to "qualified individuals who have undergone extensive training," giving young sci-fi fans a devastating introduction to the "need a job to get experience/can't get a job without experience" Catch-22 long before it ruins their mid-to-late 20s.
Jet P.I. doesn't provide a price for its retail jetpack either, probably because the number is so large it hasn't been invented yet, but its pilots are available for public appearances for anywhere between $2,000 and $25,000. So all's not lost, kiddo! For the price of a new Toyota you can watch a retired stuntman have the time of his fucking life.
#2. A Tank
In the UK, when the army winds up with a surplus of armored fighting vehicles due to a redesign or a botched order, they gather the extras, remove their weapons and then market them to the general public. This is another way of saying "you can buy a tank, on the Internet."
We suddenly regret everything we have ever purchased up to this point.
According to this poorly maintained website written entirely in comic sans, all it takes to have your very own piece of armored joy is $60,000 and an import license. Accepted methods of payment include cash and wire transfer, because anyone buying a tank out of pocket using a mysterious European bank account is clearly a legitimate enthusiast and not Alan Rickman from Die Hard.
"Do you accept partially singed cash with blood on it?"
Sadly, tanks aren't exactly street legal, so unless you have a farm or a private island or something, you aren't going to get to drive it a whole lot without getting shot and/or going to jail.
Uranium, the heavy radioactive isotope that turned Hiroshima and Nagasaki into craters and poisoned subsequent generations of their people, can be yours for about $200, which you may notice is less than the cost of an Xbox 360 and at least twice as bad for you.
Reading like an Overstock.com for supervillains, United Nuclear's website proudly states that no federal license is required to purchase their radioactive materials, and that their radiation counts are accurate and not affected by alpha radiation counts. Amazingly, at the time of this writing, most of their uranium stock is sold out, which makes us wonder what type of person makes bulk purchases of radioactive material over the Internet.
"Their prices are competitive but fair."
United Nuclear insists that its radioactive ores are only meant for scientific research and "professional collectors." While we're willing to believe there are people enthusiastic enough about tanks to buy them to drive around scaring the shit out of farm animals, we have to believe that the "professional uranium collector" demographic consists almost entirely of cat owning billionaires who have fed at least one secret agent to sharks.
When not writing articles for Cracked.com, Andre can be found furiously scribbling science fiction on the back of cocktail napkins at his website, www.ashtreehill.com.
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