Many people feel compelled to waste their money on lame things like clothing, food and baby formula. Fortunately, besides allowing us to download porn at the speed of masturbation, the Internet has made it possible for us to buy virtually anything we can imagine, regardless of how ludicrous it may be.
We've always been under the impression that world domination was one of those things, like family and good health, that you can't put a price tag on. Well, a Japanese company called Sakakibara-Kikai has developed a commercial battle-mech called the Land Walker, which you can buy from their website for a paltry $350,000. So quit your praying: For less than you'd pay for a shitty Studio Apartment in New York City, that global reign of terror can be yours.
There is literally no other possible application for this machine.
The Land Walker is nearly 10-feet tall, weighs over two tons and has two guns mounted on either side of the cockpit, officially making it the greatest vehicle that has ever been built. We would seriously stomp around the neighborhood asking people if they had any errands we could run, just so we could run them in a giant robot.
"Bed Bath and Beyond? No problem."
Sadly it only moves about a mile an hour, so don't take the Land Walker if you need to get where you're going in less than two weeks. Also, the guns only shoot squishy pink balls, which is a confusing tactical choice to say the least.
"We checked, sir. These balls actually cost more than bullets."
It also can't walk on anything less than a completely flat surface, so try not to wage any battles unless they take place on an indoor basketball court.