Many people feel compelled to waste their money on lame things like clothing, food and baby formula. Fortunately, besides allowing us to download porn at the speed of masturbation, the Internet has made it possible for us to buy virtually anything we can imagine, regardless of how ludicrous it may be.
We've always been under the impression that world domination was one of those things, like family and good health, that you can't put a price tag on. Well, a Japanese company called Sakakibara-Kikai has developed a commercial battle-mech called the Land Walker, which you can buy from their website for a paltry $350,000. So quit your praying: For less than you'd pay for a shitty Studio Apartment in New York City, that global reign of terror can be yours.
There is literally no other possible application for this machine.
The Land Walker is nearly 10-feet tall, weighs over two tons and has two guns mounted on either side of the cockpit, officially making it the greatest vehicle that has ever been built. We would seriously stomp around the neighborhood asking people if they had any errands we could run, just so we could run them in a giant robot.
"Bed Bath and Beyond? No problem."
Sadly it only moves about a mile an hour, so don't take the Land Walker if you need to get where you're going in less than two weeks. Also, the guns only shoot squishy pink balls, which is a confusing tactical choice to say the least.
"We checked, sir. These balls actually cost more than bullets."
It also can't walk on anything less than a completely flat surface, so try not to wage any battles unless they take place on an indoor basketball court.
If you have obscene amounts of disposable income, and a propensity for mistaking your peers' disdain for admiration, the Millionare's Concierge will rent you celebrities like Pamela Anderson and Leonardo DiCaprio for your private events. The website is the online face of the "private party circuit," a shadow industry that celebrities use to pad their pockets after particularly damaging coke benders.
Did the bitchy girl nobody likes bail on your wedding at the last minute? You can replace her with Paris Hilton for a ball-shriveling $100,000 plus air fare in a private jet. Did you know that the guy who plays a celebrity on Entourage is in a band? Find out just how depressingly serious they take themselves first hand, with a "$35,000 private performance." However, in the category of misjudging the market of your own appeal, nobody can top Donald Trump, who rents himself out for private parties for $300,000 a fucking hour.
If those sound like deals that could possibly seem worth it to anyone, ever, keep in mind that the celebrity doesn't even have to pretend to like you, or even be nice to you if it's not spelled out in the contract. The good news is that if you keep a close enough eye on the market, there are deals to be had. Back in 2007, Tara Reid's private appearance fee dropped from $35,000 to $3,500 in the span of a single week. Still not worth it obviously, but market forecasters predict that it won't be long before Tara Reid will pay you $20 to drink wine coolers at your Fourth of July barbecue.