The 5 Most Statistically Full of Shit National Stereotypes

#2. Russians Are Rampaging Alcoholics

Where We've Seen It:

If you asked someone what the first thing that pops into their head when they hear the word "Russia" is, they'd probably answer "drunken ape-men." The giant, hairy, inebriated Ruski has became such a part of the cultural consciousness that we even started giving certain drinks the name "(...) Russian" simply because they contain vodka. If you don't think that's offensive, try adding the word "Mexican" to everything that contains tequila next time you're in a burrito joint. Somewhere between the "Mexican Sunrise" and the "Mexi-rita," you'll find yourself waking up in a bathtub full of ice with a kidney missing.

Why it's All Bullshit:

No one's saying that the Russians don't enjoy their spirits a little too much, too often and far too violently from time to time--but every country in the world has their share of alcoholics. So exactly how much booze does the average Russian drink to earn their place as the world's Bukowski?

About 2.77 gallons per capita, in a given year. Compare that to the USA's 2.42 and it's really not all that much more. In fact, it puts them at number 23 on the list of countries ranked by alcohol consumption.

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

So why do we all assume Russia's national pastime is taking body shots off of their fur-matted women and arm wrestling bears? It's because Russians have been drinking vodka excessively for a good portion of history, so in the past, it was just safer to assume they were superhumanly blitzed at all times. But modern Russia is, well... modern. The people there (just like the rest of us) probably do have problems they'd like to drink away and yes, they probably do want to punch those arrogant bears right in their smug faces, but they also have jobs to go to in the morning--in office environments which tend to frown upon showing up to work hammered and engaging in a six-hour headlock standoff with the lady from Human Resources.

#1. Japanese Men Have Small Penises

Where We've Seen It:

Seeing as how the Internet is roughly 40 percent dicks, 59 percent places dicks fit into and one percent people writing about dicks in hilarious list-format, you're probably intimately familiar with the notion that Japanese people have micro-wangs so small they'd struggle to pleasure a Smurf (and definitely not Smurfette. Only girl in the entire village? Hot dog down a hallway situation, that).

Why it's All Bullshit:

According to various data--gathered by people who, regardless of their compensation are clearly not being paid enough--the average size of Japanese wood is in the range of 5.1- to 5.35-inches. Is that a lot? Well, if top American wangologists are to be believed, your typical USDA approved hot beef injector is somewhere between 5 to 6 inches. Obviously certain well-endowed individuals will inflate the overall data (And we do apologize for it. It's more of a curse, really--people recoil when we unzip, they scream, they run, there's usually a hostage situation) but as far as science is concerned, Japanese and Western penises aren't different enough to be noticeable.

So hey, sorry about that, Japan: Maybe our penises can get together, grab a few drinks and bury that hatchet once and for all. I know ours has been meaning to talk to yours about that terrifying pornography.

Find more from Cezary at DrownYourself(.com)

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