As anyone who's ever encountered babies in the wild can tell you, they're shiftless little balls of deception and greed. Those of us who stand up to walk, and sit down to poop may not be Mother Theresa, but it turns out we had a long way to go from our babbling drooling selves.
Yes, unless you're a borderline sociopath today, you were probably at your worst before you ever uttered a word. It's science!
It seems crazy that a barely functioning human infant could be cunning enough to lie to get out of trouble, but it's true. Baby You was such an asshole that you started lying before you could even speak. Scientists have found that by the age of just six months mini-you was already "fake crying" and "pretend laughing" to get attention. Babies are so good at that lie they will even pause briefly and listen to see if someone is responding to their crocodile tears before starting up again.
Oh shut up, you piece of shit.
Perhaps even more surprising is that, when they know they've done something wrong, the little bastards will distract their parents to avoid getting caught. Crying for attention isn't so terrible, because receiving positive attention makes you feel good. But causing a distraction? That means the slimy, shrieking baby knows it has done something wrong and wants to cover up for it. Before they learn how to poop without assistance, babies know how to create an alibi.
Why Did I Do That?!
Lying is considered an important part of a child's development. Once you can speak, your lies become more complex, and believable and the early non-verbal attempts at lying help us learn the types of lies we can get away with.
According to science, lying isn't something that happens when a normal baby get's corrupted by TV--it is normal human behavior. Telling the truth is the thing we have to learn. Most of us start to feel bad about lying around age four, once we're old enough to understand those morality tales our parents keep telling us. So the only thing standing between you and a life of crime was "The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf."
Pictured: You, if your parents were flightless birds.
It's not a mystery why you treat attractive people well now: You want them to have your sex. There'd be no reason to discriminate against ugly chicks when you where a baby right? Wrong. It turns out you've been favoring hotties since the doctor smacked you. In a 2004 study in the field of weird-shit-we-can-make-babies-do, a UK scientist made several babies look at two pictures. One of those pictures was of an attractive woman, and the other was of a non-attractive woman. Out of these babies (all of seven-days old, max), almost 100 percent looked significantly longer at pictures of "attractive" people than "unattractive" people.
Wait, how did this study even get approval?
But it doesn't end there. In those first months, babies would look at an attractive person of another race for just as long as an equally hot person of their race. But within a few short months, even if shown a supermodel of a different skin color, the baby would ignore her completely. If a white baby was shown two pictures of Asian people, of any level of attractiveness, the baby would look at them the same amount of time, then get bored and look away. To that white baby, Asian people all look alike. Seriously.
"So... are you girls quintuplets or what?"
Why Did I Do That?!
Survival. In general, attractive people have more "normal" features and therefore better genes. By staring up with your big blue eyes at the hottest person in the room, you are assuming that's your mommy, or at least hoping that turning on the charm will make her adopt you. Being raised by someone healthy gives you a better chance of living to see your first birthday. The baby-racism makes sense as well from an evolutionary perspective: It's important as you get older to know who all the people in your tribe are, but that other tribe down the way? According to the studies, all you need to know is they don't look like you. Their individual features? Irrelevant in your tiny, racist baby mind.
From the minute babies are able to understand basic communication techniques they give everyone a big fuck you. You've all seen babies thrown tantrums; screaming and thrashing their limbs about, forgetting that at any moment you can crush their tiny, fragile bones in your superior man-sized hands.
Any goddamned moment.
Tantrums not only stem from not getting what you want but also from refusing to do things. Babies will even resist things they actually want to do or enjoy doing, seemingly just because they are tiny freaking assholes. "No" is one of the most common first words spoken by children and can sometimes occupy their entire vocabulary for three months before they say just about anything else.
Why Did I Do That?!
Defiance is a way for a baby to define themselves. They start to realize that they are separate from the world and have their own thoughts, desires and actions. When you were first born, your parents would put you into your crib and you fell asleep. But a few months later it occurs to you, what if you don't feel tired? What if you CHOOSE not to go to sleep? What if you refuse and express your displeasure?
"I feel nothing but contempt for you."
And it's important to remember that this kind of baby-bitch-negativism isn't restricted to things the baby doesn't want. The baby might whine when you try to put it to sleep when it's not tired, but it might also whine when you take it out of the crib. And when you feed it, or rock with it, or try to comfort it, it will push you away simply because you're doing something. The baby's in control, and you need to know that.