6 Reasons Homemade Porn is a Worse Idea Than You Think

#3. Porn Has Editors

Probably there weren't a lot of people back in film school learning how to chop and master film reel who were hoping one day to use their talents to string together a series of scenes featuring midgets running a train on a middle-aged lady, but not everyone gets to live their dream. But the fact is they're still working and their work is important.

Thanks to editors, you rarely ever have to watch the action in a porno screech to a halt because someone ate chili last night and now has the wind something fierce.


Something else to avoid before sex.

Thanks to editors, when the lead actress starts weeping, softly at first, and then full on tears of desolation and panic, you're instead treated to stock footage of vigorous thrusting.

Thanks to editors, when the lead actor suddenly realizes his parents never loved him and his willy sinks like the future of a family signing up for a subprime mortgage, you never see it. You just see him when he comes back full of blow and Viagra and is ready to rage hump his abandonment issues away.

And if you had an editor, you'd never have to see the full 10-minute sequence when the camera tumbles off the stack of books you put it on so that instead of hot, enticing coitus, all you filmed was a sideways view of the game of peek-a-boo your hairy ass cheeks play as they bob in and out of frame.


Your Star Wars webcam isn't as stable as you think.

#2. Porn Ends

Unbelievable though it may be, someone writes porn. They do all that stuff on purpose. There's a dude who has to wake up every morning, get his coffee, sit at a computer and tap his brain to think up a novel new way for a pool cleaner named Mandingo to work off a debt to a woman with breasts that are actually perfectly spherical.

So a porno has a natural (more or less) ending. The gritty detective humped all the suspects and it turns out they all did it, so they get humped again in prison. Or Humplestiltskin shows up to collect his prize but the woman knows his real name and yells "Humplestiltskin" and then they hump. Or the naked cowboy rides off into the sunset with his trusty sidekick Poke-a-hotass. And they hump.

How do you end your sex tape? There's only one way to end a sex tape, with an awkward moment of post-coital repartee. Like maybe you'll climb off and be all "Cut!" and man will that be hilarious. Or you'll both giggle and look at the camera and rattle off a moist high five. And in that one moment as you shut down the tape it will negate the entire previous endeavor, reducing it to nothing more than a soulless, empty chore, the emotionless puppet of sex, all in an effort to capture a faint glimpse of your own humanity on tape. You poor soul. Plus you have the chance to realize you taped over last Christmas' family get together so you could be going from full-on ugly bumping to grandma pouring egg nog in a span of seconds. That's totally fucked up.

#1. Porn Has Purpose

Beyond inspiring you to take Herman to the circus, porn has another goal and that is raking in the fat cash. Do you know how much money porn makes every year? According to my research, it's a fuckload. Both literally and figuratively. So porn is crafted to be cheap, efficient and plentiful when done by the pros. All the women are hot, all the guys are, you know, present, and none of the scenarios require you to think.

But what do you do with homemade porn? Professionals release it to the masses and then have conventions where the creepiest people alive show up to get autographs and only the bravest or most foolhardy dare go to the washroom. If you have designs on becoming a porn star, you could sell it to a production company who will probably give you a few hundred for it, along with the knowledge that anyone you pass on the street for the rest of your life could know what your O face looks like.

You could keep it and hope friends and family never find it, so long as you know they will. Someone always will. You can't keep a mysterious unlabelled video or disc sitting around and not expect someone to stumble upon it and not think "I bet this is homemade porn" because that's what everyone will think. Your aged grandmother, the one who's pouring the egg nog at the end of your home porno? She's going to be going through your cupboards one day trying to dust your shit and see that DVD sitting there and she'll briefly ponder trying to put it on a record player, not even understanding what's going on, just knowing that something in her decrepit, ready-to-be-horrified DNA is insisting she see what's on that disc.

You're going to kill your grandmother.


Ian Fortey spends five days a week bleaching assholes over at FunnyCrave.com

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