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So you just watched Chyna's muscular, pocky heiny get befouled by a greasy little man, and you're pretty confident that you could wrangle up an inebriated girl with five kids and low self-esteem who might want to make a movie too. That's awesome. I've pondered it too but any time I bring the idea up it's generally met with revulsion. Apparently Internet comedy CHUDs just aren't made for film. But the idea is still a good one, right?

Thanks to a string of C-list celebrities and low-budget websites, the idea of a home sex tape is now more reasonable than ever. Who would turn down a chance to hump on camera? Not me. Not you. Not anyone. But let this be a warning to you: Some things do not belong on camera.

6
You are No Porn Star

For some reason real porn makes us want to make amateur porn. But look at amateur porn. Look at Screech for God's sake. Like a malnourished, shaven orangutan, he brings nothing to the table. In real porn, actors and actresses are chosen from the finest broken homes in the Midwest and given top of the line plastic surgery and full body make up. Have you ever heard of asshole bleaching? Porn stars do that. A porn star is so dedicated to their job that, when given some constructive criticism on set like, "Hey, Starla, I noticed your anus is looking a bit on the dingy side, maybe look into that?" they make a mental note to visit the ass bleaching salon later in the day and have a stranger apply some manner of pigment-reducing spackle to their crapper. Right on the hole.

While their asses look like sparkling puckers of sanitation and delight, fashioned from the finest alabaster and stank, mine looks like the Sarlacc that ate Boba Fett. It has no business on camera and chances are yours will be just as atrocious. You could always bend over in front of a mirror and try to gauge where yours stands, but you'll probably need at least one other present for a comparison. In the end you'll probably just depress yourself.

Other areas you may want to reconsider showing on camera include the underside of your sack, the front of your sack, any parts of you covered in hair and the back of your head if you have one of those weird skin folds. You know those things? It's like a dinner roll of head flesh. Just off putting, that is.

5
Porn Sex isn't Real Sex

The thing about porn sex is that it's designed specifically to be filmed. Like have you ever noticed how often dudes get into the most horribly uncomfortable looking positions? That's to accommodate a sweaty man with a large camera who wants to perform an unlicensed colonoscopy or some other manner of internal review with a fish-eye lens. So we're given a wide array of shots and angles that necessitate the performers humping around corners and engaging in visually stunning but horribly unfulfilling maneuvers.

True story: Back in aught-6 I was inspired after viewing some adult cinema to try sex standing up. Like the kind where you just pick the woman right up and hold her there like some kind of bag of hump potatoes. What was I thinking? I work at a computer all day, my whole body has atrophied to pudding. To this day my back has not healed and there's still a dent in the drywall from my head.

Porn inspires you to do stupid sex. Sex that doesn't really feel good but we're convinced is awesome because porn stars seem to love it. But you could give a porn star $20 and a sandwich and she'd fake an orgasm over Weetabix. And it'd be wild too. She'd call Weetabix a whore and tell it to spank her. Wish I had some Weetabix...

You break out the camera and you think you're going to capture unchained passion but really you're probably just going to catch your goodie bag jiggling like a cat toy made from bologna.

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4
You Have Poor Equipment

Some people like amateur porn because of its "grittiness"; which is like enjoying authentic Central American water for the dysentery. Porn has to have some quality for it to be good. Real porn is on a sound stage, or at least some dude's backyard, there's lighting and sound equipment and the camera probably didn't come from the Wal-Mart electronics department.

Have you ever been in a public restroom when an overweight man in a hurry comes in? And you're forced to take the next stall and just sit in silent horror and listen as he tries to both get comfortable and stave off an aneurysm? Why is there is much heavy breathing? And squishing? And then wet plops. That's what homemade porn sounds like.

Lighting is one of the most underappreciated aspects of filmmaking. If not for lighting, those pristine, fake boobies that make legit porn so enthralling would look like the decrepit peaks of Mordor. But they don't, do they? No sir, they look delightful. But under your Simpsons novelty lamp they and your ass are going to look flatter than piss on a plate and marred with creeping black shadows.

3
Porn Has Editors

Probably there weren't a lot of people back in film school learning how to chop and master film reel who were hoping one day to use their talents to string together a series of scenes featuring midgets running a train on a middle-aged lady, but not everyone gets to live their dream. But the fact is they're still working and their work is important.

Thanks to editors, you rarely ever have to watch the action in a porno screech to a halt because someone ate chili last night and now has the wind something fierce.


Something else to avoid before sex.

Thanks to editors, when the lead actress starts weeping, softly at first, and then full on tears of desolation and panic, you're instead treated to stock footage of vigorous thrusting.

Thanks to editors, when the lead actor suddenly realizes his parents never loved him and his willy sinks like the future of a family signing up for a subprime mortgage, you never see it. You just see him when he comes back full of blow and Viagra and is ready to rage hump his abandonment issues away.

And if you had an editor, you'd never have to see the full 10-minute sequence when the camera tumbles off the stack of books you put it on so that instead of hot, enticing coitus, all you filmed was a sideways view of the game of peek-a-boo your hairy ass cheeks play as they bob in and out of frame.


Your Star Wars webcam isn't as stable as you think.

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2
Porn Ends

Unbelievable though it may be, someone writes porn. They do all that stuff on purpose. There's a dude who has to wake up every morning, get his coffee, sit at a computer and tap his brain to think up a novel new way for a pool cleaner named Mandingo to work off a debt to a woman with breasts that are actually perfectly spherical.

So a porno has a natural (more or less) ending. The gritty detective humped all the suspects and it turns out they all did it, so they get humped again in prison. Or Humplestiltskin shows up to collect his prize but the woman knows his real name and yells "Humplestiltskin" and then they hump. Or the naked cowboy rides off into the sunset with his trusty sidekick Poke-a-hotass. And they hump.

How do you end your sex tape? There's only one way to end a sex tape, with an awkward moment of post-coital repartee. Like maybe you'll climb off and be all "Cut!" and man will that be hilarious. Or you'll both giggle and look at the camera and rattle off a moist high five. And in that one moment as you shut down the tape it will negate the entire previous endeavor, reducing it to nothing more than a soulless, empty chore, the emotionless puppet of sex, all in an effort to capture a faint glimpse of your own humanity on tape. You poor soul. Plus you have the chance to realize you taped over last Christmas' family get together so you could be going from full-on ugly bumping to grandma pouring egg nog in a span of seconds. That's totally fucked up.

1
Porn Has Purpose

Beyond inspiring you to take Herman to the circus, porn has another goal and that is raking in the fat cash. Do you know how much money porn makes every year? According to my research, it's a fuckload. Both literally and figuratively. So porn is crafted to be cheap, efficient and plentiful when done by the pros. All the women are hot, all the guys are, you know, present, and none of the scenarios require you to think.

But what do you do with homemade porn? Professionals release it to the masses and then have conventions where the creepiest people alive show up to get autographs and only the bravest or most foolhardy dare go to the washroom. If you have designs on becoming a porn star, you could sell it to a production company who will probably give you a few hundred for it, along with the knowledge that anyone you pass on the street for the rest of your life could know what your O face looks like.

You could keep it and hope friends and family never find it, so long as you know they will. Someone always will. You can't keep a mysterious unlabelled video or disc sitting around and not expect someone to stumble upon it and not think "I bet this is homemade porn" because that's what everyone will think. Your aged grandmother, the one who's pouring the egg nog at the end of your home porno? She's going to be going through your cupboards one day trying to dust your shit and see that DVD sitting there and she'll briefly ponder trying to put it on a record player, not even understanding what's going on, just knowing that something in her decrepit, ready-to-be-horrified DNA is insisting she see what's on that disc.

You're going to kill your grandmother.


Ian Fortey spends five days a week bleaching assholes over at FunnyCrave.com

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