8 Horribly Misguided 'Futuristic' Video Game Controllers

#4. The Mindwire V5

If getting poked by the FPS Vest or dick-massaged by the SCM doesn't do enough for you, then strap on the Mindwire V5 and get ready to be shocked, literally.

The device is basically a wire splitter that takes input from your controller, converts it into electric jolts and sends them right back into your dumb ass via some special electrode pads.

Basically, any time your controller would normally just vibrate, you get treated to a small but painful electric shock instead. This, evidently, is fun.

250,000 volts of fun.

The device costs $200, which seems like a lot of money to spend when you can get a similar effect by just jamming your nipples into an electrical socket. Also, the Mindwire V5 seems exactly like the sort of thing that you would see strapped to some frat guy riding a bicycle into a swimming pool on YouTube, so needless to say, Cracked is rounding up every last available dollar to fund its research and development.

#3. The Ore Commander

Some would argue that video games were created so that all of the children who were terrible at physical sports and games would have a place to shine. But some theorize that as time goes on we'll raise a new generation of children for whom playing video games is itself too strenuous.

They'll need some kind of simulation that will allow them to pretend to play the games. On the cutting edge of that trend is a company called Periborg that specializes in creating strange mechanical enhancements to the human body in the name of video gaming.

Products like the "Shock C" dining utensil finger-attachments and the unfortunately named "Electric Wang Show" notwithstanding, the Ore Commander is unquestionably Periborg's crown jewel. A gamer simply straps this tiny peripheral onto his or her thumb and, once activated, the Ore Commander vibrates aggressively, allowing the player to rapidly push a controller button faster than what is normally possible, especially with the fragile thumbs of today's youth.

Curiously, the commanding of ore never seems to enter the equation.

Periborg claims the Ore Commander gives gamers the power to push the same button over 20 times per second, which would really be groundbreaking had the same idea not already been done over 20 years ago with the advent of the turbo button, which unlike Periborg's product cannot possibly fracture your thumb.

And considering the "Ore" in the device's name refers to the Japanese word for "me," it seems like the "Me Commander," with its small size and vigorous vibrations, would seem better suited as a Joydick accessory (see above). And frankly, it's probably more fun that way.

#2. Massage Me Jacket

So, clearly playing video games can be pretty strenuous. Shooting Germans, killing zombies and losing at Boom Blox can really take its toll on stressed and weary muscles. However, all that is about to become a thing of the past thanks to some Austrian students and their do-it-yourself ingenuity.

Their quirky Massage Me jacket is actually just a vest that has been modified to include buttons just like those found on regular old gaming controllers, essentially turning the wearer into a giant Power Pad. Basically, one person wears the vest, such as a girlfriend or hostage, while the gamer plays the game by pressing the buttons on the vest, and the wearer gets a massage by proxy (also, they gets molested). The best part is that anyone can build one as long as they're good at sewing and know how to hack apart a PS2 controller.

And you also must be MacGyver.

While this is admittedly an interesting idea, and lord knows men use the massage excuse often enough when trying to get laid that they might as well play some Grand Theft Auto while they're at it, how much fun would it realistically be to use someone else's scoliosis-ridden back as your controller?

Not only that, but last we checked, massages were more about being gentle and precise as opposed to forceful and random, so what happens when you need to keep hammering the A button on your girlfriend's shoulder blade to finish off that wicked Street Fighter combo but she needs some tension relieved down near the select button?

She'll never walk again after this bitchin' solo.

Difficult choices like that are notorious for single-handedly killing even the healthiest of relationships and shouldn't be negotiated by inexperienced players (or dating n00bs, as we like to call them). Like water on a grease fire, mixing video games with foreplay will cause a dramatic explosion and probably burn your house down.

#1. Dream Machine

Now that you've donned a clunky vest hooked up to an air compressor, strapped a pain inducing device to your arm, strapped a tiny vibrator around your thumb and turned your penis into a joystick, you're finally ready to fire up the PlayStation for some futuristic, virtual reality gaming.

But wait! Your lame ass gaming chair hasn't yet been modified in the name of total immersion and could ruin the entire experience with its unabashed defiance. Until now.

A company out of Australia seeks to enter the non-existent market of sociopathic game peripherals with the ambitiously named Dream Machine, a floating chair suspended from a large tripod that allows the entire seat to pan and tilt based on the player's movements.

And it kind of resembles a sex swing.

Instead of moving a controller or steering wheel to influence actions within the game like every other sane design we've seen in countless arcade racers and flight sims over the past two decades, the Dream Machine asks players to hold onto a set of handlebars welded onto the tripod and steer the entire chair itself, which then translates into onscreen movement. Essentially, you're playing Pilotwings while sitting in a tire swing.

The potential for serious injury here is noticeably high, as we can easily imagine some bastard child banking too hard to avoid the Red Baron and tossing himself right out the kitchen window.

Also, the Dream Machine's website inexplicably markets the product as "healthy," despite the fact that it is neither an exercise machine nor a bottle of carrot juice. We suppose it could be considered healthy by comparison to, say, a shotgun, because its sole purpose in existence isn't launching bits of metal into living things.

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Don't forget to check out David Wong's take on the gaming world, in The 7 Commandments All Video Games Should Obey and The Next 25 Years of Video Games.

And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 1.22.2010) to see the Joydick in action (on Bucholz).

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get dick jokes sent straight to your news feed.

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