63rd Space FPS Gaming Vest
Another emerging advancement on the forefront of video gaming is haptic technology, also known as force feedback, which appeals to the player's sense of touch using various techniques such as controller vibrations and joystick resistance. Makes sense. But surely there must be a way to make it ridiculous and painful, right? Get our best men on it!
Ah, here we go. The 3rd Space FPS Gaming Vest attempts to take force feedback one step further by emulating what it feels like to get hit by a bullet, a sensation which many of you may recognize as one of the primary things you're trying to avoid by playing Call of Duty instead of joining the actual military.
The vest is comprised of eight strategically placed air pockets that are connected to a small air compressor, and when the player gets shot in the game, the compressor fires a burst of air into the corresponding area that delivers a startling kick into the gamer's midsection.
Aside from the obvious fact that a little puff of air hardly simulates what it would feel like to be lacerated by a red hot piece of metal traveling at the speed of sound, the vest has a number of other drawbacks, not least of which is the fact that while the air compressor is small and relatively lightweight, the entire device is still quite noisy, which ironically ruins the immersion that the device is trying to create in the first place by making it sound like you've hauled a lawnmower into battle.
Also, the vest is really only designed for first person shooters on the PC, a fact that is disappointing to anyone who has ever wondered what it'd feel like to get punched in the stomach by Zangief.
When will we finally feel the hairy-shinned sting of the Russian Bear?
All right, we know what some of you are thinking. "Force feedback? Instead of my torso, why don't game makers aim a little lower, if you know what I mean!"
Trust us, they know. That's why we have...
5The SOM and The Joydick
Over the years since video games were invented, many attempts have been made to pair them with sex. The results have always been disappointing at best because at the end of the day, it's just porn that you watch while your hands are busy with a control pad. If only there were some device that could translate the suggestive motions of a hot virtual goddess into actual, real life groin molestation.
You thought that was a Photoshopped pic up there, didn't you?
Enter The SOM. No really, enter it, softly, with your dong. Because that's how it works. Bundled with a Japanese Hentai game called Cross Days, the SOM is the video game peripheral serial killers have always wished for.
Until ultimately deciding that having sex with murdered corpses is much less weird.
The manufacturer promises full, real-time interactivity with the erotic game during sexual scenes by way of the device's vertically oscillating head and special medical lube, so that you too can find out what it's like to get blown by a robot while watching a cartoon.
If a hands-free, plastic sex simulator is too hi-tech for you or too difficult to hide from the FBI, rest assured there is another route to achieving interactive orgasms. The aptly named Joydick literally turns an erect penis into an old school joystick for use with Atari games.
More like Dick-fall.
With the simple application of a wired plastic ring, the Joydick allows for "controlling video gameplay based on realtime male masturbation." Because we all know that's been the key to big sales all along.