#3. No More Baseball Bats
The ash trees that baseball bats are made from are getting their asses kicked by global warming.
White ash has been the tree of choice for baseball bat manufacturers for decades, due to having the specific balance of weight and strength that you can't get without resorting to that aluminum bat bullshit.
Fuck you, kid
Anyway, thanks to changing climates, ash forests are now facing not just a change in temperature which can affect the quality and flexibility of the wood, making them less ideal for bats, but also the ash borer beetle, a little son-of-a-bitch bug that really likes to eat trees.
The beetles are originally for Asia, but some say changing climate has allowed them to adapt nicely to North America, where in five years they managed to destroy 25 million trees, or what scientists refer to as "a fuckton."
Named for 19th century, French botanist, Louis Fuckton
If the trend continues, it's possible ash trees could be killed off completely. This presumably means major league baseball players would be forced to smack the ball out of the air with their firsts, or perhaps use golf clubs or sledgehammers.
If you didn't get attacked by a shark today, you're lucky. Because man, are sharks gunning for you. Seriously, you shouldn't even stress about it because that shit's going to happen no matter what. Sorry.
It's gonna happen.
Shark attacks have been on the rise over the last few years, and people have tossed out a few theories as to why - from simply a great abundance of people in the water to turn into meals, to overfishing limiting their non-human food supply. But global warming is also getting a nod by changing the areas that are most comfortable for sharks to live. Areas where you and your speedo are splashing about.
Like the streets of Boston.
Areas off the coast of Florida, California and Mexico are becoming increasingly dangerous as more sharks seem to show up and that means your chance of not being eaten someday are shrinking rapidly. In fact, we're pretty sure even if you never leave Iowa there's a decent chance a shark is at least going to take your leg in the next few years.
Admittedly, the numbers aren't staggering--there was one shark related fatality in 2007, but by May of 2008 there were already four. According to this site there were 12 in 2009. So that's going up by 300 percent every year. By our math, by the year 2029 every single human on earth will have been eaten to death by a shark, some more than once.
It's gonna happen... again.
#1. You'll Get Kidney Stones
If you've been hoping to never have to painfully blast a small, sharp object out of your wang, we have unfortunate news. The American Urological Association has done some research that indicates global warming is going to lead to an increase in kidney stones. That, in turn, leads to an increase of solid objects in your dick. That's pretty much the one place solid objects are never supposed to be.
Dehydration in warmer climates is a major cause of kidney stones, and global warming is going to make this problem worse as everything starts to warm up. Right now, 40% of the population lives in a risk zone for kidney stones, which we assume is like living in a really shitty neighborhood and being at risk of being shot, only this time it's your kidney's shooting you, and the barrel of the gun is your dong. The prediction is that this will increase to 50% by the year 2050.
Puddle of urine, circa 2050.
The AUA is guessing this will lead to an increase of one to two million cases of kidney stone disease with the cost of treatment rising to one billion dollars. Uh, guys, it's not the cost we're worried about.
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For more environmental shenanigans, check out 5 Ways People Are Trying to Save the World (That Don't Work) and The 7 Most Retarded Ways Celebrities Have Tried to go Green.
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 1.15.2010) to see Sunday Funday at the office.