Fame doesn't last forever. One decade you're riding high on Learjets and call girls, the next you're hawking autographs and hand jobs behind the Porta Johns at the county fair.
Of course, not all celebrities leave the limelight kicking and screaming. Some merely flip fame the bird and pursue new, absolutely random forms of employment.
7Jeff Cohen a.k.a. Chunk from The Goonies
He was Chunk. You know who we mean. For our culturally illiterate readers who grew up on Big Love-style polygamist compounds, we'll just say that in 1985, Richard Donner (of Lethal Weapon fame) directed the greatest adventure movie starring an obese child in the history of cinema. That film was The Goonies and that obese child was Chunk, whose epically humiliating Truffle Shuffle gave an entire generation of husky children a reason to swim with their t-shirts on.
After the Spotlight:
He grew up to be a big-shot Hollywood attorney.
Many child stars ride out their one shtick until they're septum-deep in a bucket of Bolivian Marching Powder, but Cohen avoided child star purgatory. He dropped the acting (and the weight) and attended UC Berkeley, where he rode out his one shtick to campus fame: Cohen ran for Student Body President on the platform "Vote for Chunk" and performed the Truffle Shuffle at Cal football games.
After obtaining his undergrad, Cohen attended UCLA Law and later founded his own media law firm, which is sadly not named Chunk, Sloth & Associates.
In 2008, Cohen was named one of The Hollywood Reporter's Top 35 Executives under 35. We assume Cohen entered law to defend the less fortunate of the world (or at least greater Los Angeles). After all, the Truffle Shuffle basically set fat kids' civil rights back 20 years.
6James Brian Hellwig a.k.a. The Ultimate Warrior
The 1980s were more or less about four things:
B.) The best comedy movies ever;
C.) Dressing like a transvestite prostitute;
D.) The culmination of all of the above, a.k.a. the glory days of pro wrestling.
James Brian Hellwig jumped aboard the 'rasling train after being a professional body builder and quickly became one of the WWE's biggest superstars. "The Ultimate Warrior" was touted as the next Hulk Hogan and even pinned the Hulkster for the WWE Championship in a passing-of-the-torch match.
After a series contract disputes with WWE head honcho Vince McMahon, Hellwig left wrestling. The Ultimate Warrior lost the spotlight, and the world lost the finest dramatic monologist since Spalding Gray:
After the Spotlight:
He became a right-wing pundit.
Hellwig returned to wrestling after his WWE dispute but never reached his prior, higher echelons of man-hugging. When Hellwig finally hung up his multi-colored tights, he legally changed his name to "Warrior" and became a conservative motivational speaker. This was a curious career move given that Hellwig's previous gig wasn't public speaking, but incoherent rambling.
During this time, Warrior made national headlines for his eloquent views on homosexuality. And by "eloquent," we mean "rock stupid." In a speech at the University of Connecticut, Warrior stated that "queering doesn't make the world work." He later tried to clarify this remark by explaining that no babies would be born if dudes only goosed other dudes.
No offense Mr. Warrior, but when you've released a comic book that depicts you molesting Santa Claus, we're pretty sure you've lost any right whatsoever to make fun of homosexuals.
In the end, that little comment got Warrior fired from his position as a speaker for the Young Republicans of America. Nowadays, his madness is confined to his blog, The Warrior's Machete, where you can buy his totally-worth-it $2,950 Ultimate Warrior oil paintings.