The 6 Most Half Assed Attempts at Corporate Green Washing

#3. Into the Wild Green Yonder

Airlines are constantly getting hammered for their immense carbon footprint, and it's no wonder: One flight from London to LA produces the same amount of carbon dioxide per person as the average commute for a full year. So what is a company to do? Spend money on more efficient planes? Wash the plane? Use auxiliary power, or tow it to the runway to decrease fuel consumption by six percent? C'mon, think outside the box, downshift the paradigm!

"Apply lateral thinking! Cross-promote! Revitalize your revenue streams! Cross the streams! Wait! NO DON-"

Instead, why not apply limits for hand luggage and weight-limits for hold luggage. That saves fuel!

...with the little added bonus of making you assloads of extra cash through surcharges. That's like a school bully stealing your lunch and saying, "You know, worldwide hunger is a real problem. I want you to think about that while I eat your sandwich."

"Fuckin' be more eco-friendly!"

Of course, why just rip off your customers when you can rip them off and humiliate them? Fortunately, Japan (where humiliation is a civic duty) has found a solution:

All Nippon Airways now requests that passengers use the toilets in the terminal before embarking, claiming not that not having to haul around all that urine and feces will reduce carbon emissions by up to five tons per month. They even position "loo monitors" at the gates that ask you to go before boarding.

#2. Eat Hot, Compostable, Non-Toxic, Lead Substitute, Punk!

Say you're a weapons manufacturer who suddenly develops a conscience and realizes that the work you do harms people--what then? Well, you could go the kickass route and use your immense fortune to create a superpowered exo-suit, then fly around exacting drunken justice (sure you're still blowing stuff up, but now it comes from a good place!)

Pictured: charity work.

Or you could go the decidedly less awesome avenue, like BAE, the British weapons manufacturer, who called several well-attended press conferences to reveal their new generation of eco-friendly weaponry. Among the highlights offered were (seriously): lead-free bullets, bang-free bombs that reduce noise pollution and fuel-efficient fighter jets. But why stop there, BAE? Why not just replace your entire air force with smug hipster cyclists who launch explosive volleys of blistering sarcasm at the enemy?

"Yeah, Taliban, I like Coldplay too... when I want to hear what Radiohead sounds like with a massive head trauma."

"We all have a duty of care to ensure that, from cradle to grave, products are being used appropriately and do not do lasting harm," said Dr. Deborah Allen, BAE's Deputy Managing Director of Corporate Responsibility. Dr. Allen (whose title sounds less like a job and more like a new circle of Hell) does have a point: Companies should make sure their products don't do lasting harm...unless they're in the business of making products designed to do lasting harm. It's your job to get people "from cradle to grave" as quickly as possible, BAE--leave the tree-hugging to the hippies before we end up with the world's first wind-powered nuclear bomb.

#1. It's Green Minute!

Earth day, Earth Week, Green Month, Enviro-year, The Rainbow-humpin' Decade, The Don't Kill a Manatee Biennium... most people could give 1/4th of a crap about the abstract colors of time-spans, but for corporations a "green week" is an excellent chance to show just how committed a tiny fraction of their advertising budget is to looking good for a small, predetermined period of time before going right back to the Earth-raping.

For example, NBC's "Green Week" consisted of shows across the entire company being given a "green" emphasis - from Heroes, 30 Rock and The Office, to Martha Stewart and Top Chef. This initiative mandated that programs were to introduce at least one green plot into their shows in an effort to "raise awareness." Most programs just half-assed it, and this resulted in a lot of clumsy, shoe-horned plot lines and awkward soliloquies, but Heroes, at least, really committed to the effort: They recycled the same storyline for the last four years.

Another part of this program involved The Weather Channel running segments all throughout the week on climate change, prepared specifically by their Environmental Unit. Sadly, midway through Green Week, NBC did a little conservation of their own and fired their asses.

"Step into my bamboo-floored, carbon neutral office. 'Why?' Cause you're fuckin' fired!"

The kicker? One of the chief sponsors for "Green Week" was GM... with the Hummer. Somewhere, Captain Planet is getting raped by an unexploded nuclear bomb, and it is still more "environmentally friendly" than that.

Why are we trying to save this planet, again? Look at how it's trying to kill us, in 5 Bizarre Ways the Weather Can Kill You Without Warning. Or check out some Hilarious Acts of Vandalism over at the Huffington Post.

And stop by our Top Picks (Updated TODAY! SHIT!) to see how you can fight against this evil spaceship we call Earth.

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