Cracked Round-Up: Limerick Edition

There once was a website called Cracked,

Whose comments section was constantly packed

With half-tarded twits and cantankerous shits

Who are all fat and gay that's a fact!


Cody started us off this week by exposing his love of Lost for all the Internet to see. Chris Bucholz followed up with a review of Google's Nexus One, while Brockway took 8-bit video games way too seriously. Seanbaby whipped up some Man Comics, while Dan O'Brien took a very special journey to that sexy smurf world.

ATTEMPTED MURDER
6 Assassination Attempts that Almost F#@ked the World

Every entry on this list either has, or will someday have, a Harry Turtledove book written about it.



Notable Comment:

"America = Deal with the devil Seriously, there is some f**ked up dark magic at work there I see Americans slamming nascars into walls at 300 kph and surviving, while clubs full of hundreds of kids in Russia burn to the ground from a faulty smoke machine"

Son of a bitch, Jenga's onto us.



BALLS
The 7 Ballsiest Ways Anyone Ever Quit Their Job

We had to omit our own former employees from the list. "Grenade month" alone would have nabbed the top five spots.



Notable Comment:

sorcrachi says, "I once heard a guy tell the boss,"Maybe you wouldn't talk such s**t if you stopped sucking your own dick after f**king people up the ass" I was really impressed, I mean, there's just no turning bck after that. "

Survival Tip: Write that insult out and keep it in your wallet. If you're ever stranded in the wilderness you can use the heat of that burn to stay warm.



BEWARE
6 Life Saving Techniques From the Movies (That Can Kill You)

Hollywood's callous plan to decrease the surplus population exposed.



Notable Comment:

"One major error, Teddy Roosevelt already had AT LEAST three testicles before being shot."

We would love to see your research, mronoc.



QUITE MAD
6 Rulers Who Abused Their Power In Hilariously Insane Ways

Geez, maybe there's something wrong about giving one person complete control over the destiny of a nation without so much as checking to make sure they aren't a lunatic.



Notable Comment:

"Ludwig was also sexually attracted to swans. I've been to Neuschwanstein and they're everywhere. When he was down in his castle in Austria, he'd often tell everyone he was off to Munich, climb into a carriage, and ride around in a circle for the exact distance to and from Munich without looking at anything or talking to anyone, then he'd climb out, go inside and tell everyone how lovely the trip was. He also built a concert hall with beautiful water features around the stage (with swans, natch). Which meant nobody could hear the music over the water. He nevertheless raved about the music. Man was f**king mental. "

Thanks for that illuminating bestiality accusation, ciderczartim.





Gladstone!
The 5 Most Embarassing Moments From 'Steven Seagal: Lawman'

The trick was narrowing it down to 5.



YOU YOU YOU!
The 16 Most Embarassing Photographs of the Next Decade

We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Classic Stories as Infographics



Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

1.07.10:

Pardon me good sir, but might you direct me to the lair of this impostor who calls himself "Burger King"?
by Kamikaze Phoenix

Editor's pick:

Jeff got fired from Best Buy after his embezzling became too obvious to ignore.
by geniuswaitress

1.06.10:

Racial Experiment, Day 5: Still haven't gotten black dude to punch me. Hopefully wearing the Watermelon suit tomorrow will produce desired outcome.
by yeahme

Editor's pick:

Despite the obvious signs of danger, the funky chickens just kept dancing right into the trap...
by Kamikaze Phoenix

1.05.10:

Even the Little Mermaid has a creepy uncle
by TyroneBiggums

Editor's pick:

Which politician is this and what will his excuse be?
by Fkelleghan

1.04.10:

Lady Gaga's Finding Nemo
by donarumo

Editor's pick:

We already USED all our Nemo joke, Cracked!
by Julius_Goat

1.03.09:

Tim Burton's Finding Nemo
by Wiseman_2

Editor's pick:

Never before in my life have I ever wanted to boil something alive that badly.
by Ceveron

1.02.09:

EPIC high five fail...
by klayb

Editor's pick:

And that's why I had to kill your mommy, kids. Azoghul the unborn demanded it.
by Ceveron

1.01.10:

Never borrow money from Colonel Saunders.
by DeaconJericho

Editor's pick:

My New Year's resolution to not drink again didn't last as long as I'd hoped.
by racedogg2

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