The Little Miss Sunshine Effect
Possibly the most ridiculous and mind-boggling problem with all of these movies, however, is what I am dubbing the "Little Miss Sunshine Effect". Case in point: Meet The Spartans.
Leonidas and his gang of warriors are kicking a bunch of people doing bad celebrity impression into a large pit. The filmmakers decide that they want to stick it to Little Miss Sunshine. But there's a problem: they have literally nothing to say about that film. Notice I didn't say, "they have nothing interesting/funny to say." These writers of spoof films literally can't put together a sentence that makes reference to the year's most easily mockable movie. So instead, they do the next best thing and write the title of the movie on the shirt that Britney Spears is wearing when they kick her into the pit.
In a script that was thought about ahead of time and written down on purpose, the best reference they can come up with to one of that year's most notable movie is "write the title on something and kick it down a hole." It's almost as though they have a check list of every notable pop-culture event in the past 12 months, and a mandate to ensure the existence of that event is acknowledged, but not thought about in the least.
Another example of this appears towards the end of Epic Movie. The four siblings from "Gnarnia" find the wardrobe again in their old age. They are quite surprised at this and express their surprise with dialogue along the lines of "Oh, my goodness!" and "Look!" What does Kal Penn say, though? He says... wait for it... "Chuck Norris rules!" LOLZ!!! Hey, guys, remember when Chuck Norris jokes were popular? Remember briefly after that when everyone stopped giving a shit? Remember in Epic Movie when something surprising happened and Kal Penn said some non sequitur/reference (non sequirence?) to those annoying jokes about Chuck Norris that used to be popular until everyone stopped giving a shit about them? You should, because I just described it to you.
I believe my studies have given me the necessary knowledge and the ABSOLUTE RIGHT to predict the next movie from these kings of comedy, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. I see three possible options...
This would be a reference movie that primarily references the likes of I Heart Huckabees, Being John Malkovich and any Wes Anderson movie. This would be impossible AND horrible for several reasons.
1. Most of those movies are great, so leave them the fuck alone.
2. Most of those movies are meant to be funny, which would make turning them into comedies pretty difficult and very stupid. It would be like doing parodies of Lonely Island songs: retarded, pointless and mind-numbingly painful to watch.
3. How could they think about covering quirky movies when they already wasted all their good Little Miss Sunshine material, writing the title of the quintessential quirky movie on that T-Shirt.
This would probably be the hardest endeavor to achieve that has ever been conceived by man (or at least the hardest endeavor ever conceived by me). Essentially, one would have to reference all of the aforementioned reference movies. How could this be accomplished? The best I can come up with after giving it literally seconds of thought would be to just make a really good movie about something else and call it a day.
I desperately hope this movie is made. Not because it'll be good (which it won't), not because I'll see it (which I will) and not because I think it will fail (which it probably won't), but because I've already written a trailer for it.
Yes, folks, with only some further ado (Ado. Ado! ADO!!!), I give you the trailer to Vampire Movie (originally titled The Last Half of Dracula: Dead And Loving It)...
Cue: Spooky music
We open on a pond at night. Spooky mist floats above the water. We close in on three lily pads, each of which has a frog sitting, unmoving. We zoom in closer and as they speak, we see they are each sporting a set of fangs.
Frog #1: Vam...
Frog #2: Pie...
Frog #3: Errr...
Frog #1: Vam-
Frog #2: Pie-
Frog #3: Errr...
An aluminum can pops up from beneath the water with the words "Vampire Beer" on it. The figure holding it emerges and it is Chris Tucker with fangs.
Chris Tucker With Fangs: Drink Vampire Beer, boyyeeeee!!!
The screen goes to black as a faux-movie trailer voice narrates title cards as they appear.
"THIS SUMMER... "
We see Kal Penn as a werewolf fighting with Carmen Electra as Busty the Vampire Slayer.
"COMES A FILM... "
We see Kal Penn's werewolf and Busty the Vampire Slayer fighting again. Busty farts. The Kal Penn werewolf makes a grossed-out, goofy face as in "eeewwww, no she di-in't!"
"SO HAIR-RAISING... "
Anna Faris as The Chick From Twilight: You feel cold...
Topher Grace-looking motherfucker as The Dude From Twilight: Like an ice cold Pepsi?
Anna Faris as The Chick From Twilight: Absolutely like an ice cold Pepsi...
"SO BLOOD-SUCKING... "
We see Leslie Neilson in Heath Ledger's Joker makeup.
Leslie Nielson as Heath Ledger's Joker For Some Reason: This city deserves a better class of vampire... And I'm gonna give it to 'em... Now let's suck some blood from that FACE!
"IT ABSOLUTELY DOESN'T... "
Topher Grace-looking motherfucker as The Dude From Twilight: I'm a vampire.
Some Random Character: Waaaaaall-eeeeee...
We see a bunch of fast clips from the "movie." Most of them are just scenes from Watchmen for some reason. There are a lot more farts and there's one part that "parodies" the Mac commercials where a character is all "Hi, I'm a vampire," and the other character is all "And I'm a werewolf."
"CARMEN ELECTRA... "
"KAL PENN... "
"JENNIFER COOLIDGE... "
"A BUNCH OF FUNNY MINOR CELEBRITIES WHO SADLY MAKE YOU WANT TO SHOOT THOSE FUNNY MINOR CELEBRITIES IN THE FACE FOR NEEDING PAYCHECKS SO BADLY THAT THEY GIVE AN INCREDIBLY PISS-POOR PERFORMANCE IN AN INCREDIBLY PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A COMEDY FILM... "
"AND HALF THE CAST OF ANY SEASON OF MADtv... "
"VAMPIRE MOVIE... "
"COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR... BOO!"
The screen fades to black and then the voice suddenly comes back.
"ALSO STARRING BILLY DEE WAYANS AS VAMPIRE LE GAT."
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