#2. Eau de Cobra
"It was the formula for a love potion! One whiff and a man would fall in love with the woman who wore it!"
Following a recipe found on stolen hieroglyphics, Cobra, having noticed that all great revolutions start with cosmetics, synthesizes a mind-control perfume and sets about getting the Baroness to seduce a millionaire to gain control of his fortune. Why they chose to do this on a crowded yacht that was also host to a couple of G.I. Joes, why they didn't just drive a squadron of HISS tanks up to the guy's house while he was at a party and just take the money and why they thought that the Baroness--whose appearance ensured that a generation of young men would grow up with a thing for brunettes in glasses and leather pants--would need mind-control perfume to help her seduction, the world may never know.
We also become aroused in the presence of needless exposition.
Why It Might've Worked:
Putting aside the perfume, this is essentially just a story of using a pretty girl to gain control of an asset. And while you might not think that would work on the kind of world-dominating scale Cobra Commander was shooting for, we'd like you to meet Carla Bruni.
She's the one on the right.
Bruni, a former underwear model, songwriter and noted brunette with a sexy accent, met Nicolas Sarkozy at a dinner party and married him less than four months later. Sarkozy, for those of you don't know, is the President of France, which--and this is the crucial part here--is a country in possession of at least 30 nuclear weapons.
Just to be clear, we're not trying to imply that Carla Bruni is actually a criminal mastermind working for a shadowy organization, because if she were, we'd all be living in Cobra-La by now.
#1. Cold Slither
"Destro has designed a program that creates rock 'n' roll music!"
Undoubtedly inspired by a pair of suicides attributed to Satanic Messages on Judas Priest's Screaming For Vengeance, Cobra Commander slapped some glam-rock wigs on Zartan and the Dreadnoks and produced his own hypnotic single. Unfortunately, Cold Slither (with their #1 hit "Cold Slither" from the album Cold Slither) only made it as far as the State Fair before the plot was uncovered by G.I. Joe, most likely because they forgot to make the messages subliminal and instead put lines like, "Do not resist, 'cause Cobra is strong" right there in the actual song.
Why It Might've Worked:
One word, folks: Juggalos.
If Cobra Commander was trying to inspire fanatical, violent devotion from an otherwise shiftless and apathetic bunch of kids with extremely poor taste in music, then maybe Cold Slither's problem wasn't that they were stupid and terrible, but that they weren't stupid and terrible ENOUGH.
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Cardboard cut out of Baroness awarded with every article pitch.
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