"By the serpent gods of the netherworld! How do you expect me to raise five billion dollars?!"
In order to fund the development of a destructive computer virus, the Cobra organization holds a telethon, taking pledges from various other terrorist organization while putting on a show. The centerpiece, of course, is the execution of Joes Lifeline and Sci-Fi, but they were also counting on other acts, like Destro's truly awful stand-up comedy routine, to keep the cash rolling in.
Why It Might've Worked:
As mentioned above, Destro's attempt at stand-up comedy is terrible. The jokes are bad, the delivery's over the top, and he seems to be getting through it by appealing to the worst of an audience with abysmally low standards.
Dane Cook and Larry the Cable Guy made $20,000,000 in 2008.
2Eau de Cobra
"It was the formula for a love potion! One whiff and a man would fall in love with the woman who wore it!"
Following a recipe found on stolen hieroglyphics, Cobra, having noticed that all great revolutions start with cosmetics, synthesizes a mind-control perfume and sets about getting the Baroness to seduce a millionaire to gain control of his fortune. Why they chose to do this on a crowded yacht that was also host to a couple of G.I. Joes, why they didn't just drive a squadron of HISS tanks up to the guy's house while he was at a party and just take the money and why they thought that the Baroness--whose appearance ensured that a generation of young men would grow up with a thing for brunettes in glasses and leather pants--would need mind-control perfume to help her seduction, the world may never know.
We also become aroused in the presence of needless exposition.
Why It Might've Worked:
Putting aside the perfume, this is essentially just a story of using a pretty girl to gain control of an asset. And while you might not think that would work on the kind of world-dominating scale Cobra Commander was shooting for, we'd like you to meet Carla Bruni.
She's the one on the right.
Bruni, a former underwear model, songwriter and noted brunette with a sexy accent, met Nicolas Sarkozy at a dinner party and married him less than four months later. Sarkozy, for those of you don't know, is the President of France, which--and this is the crucial part here--is a country in possession of at least 30 nuclear weapons.
Just to be clear, we're not trying to imply that Carla Bruni is actually a criminal mastermind working for a shadowy organization, because if she were, we'd all be living in Cobra-La by now.