Cracked Round-Up: Special Weekend Edition!

Technically, every Cracked Round-Up is a 'weekend edition', but we'll distinguish this one by charging twice as much and offering it in an exciting new color; paisley.


First off, Chris Bucholz opened our week by expressing his frustration at a major retail outlet. Then Robert Brockway damned himself, and the rest of the office to the fires of hell this week with his article about The Holy Bible. Seanbaby followed up with a somewhat nauseating look at real life ragdoll physics, and Dan O'Brien closed our weekly columns off with a hate-filled Comic-Con rant.



NATURE
6 Modern Technologies Animals Invented Millions of Years Ago.
It kind of sucks that all Mother Nature gave us were these stupid giant brains and opposable thumbs.


Notable Comment:Wasman sings a song of woe, "Suicide bombing ants sounded like a threat to freedom, so i went out side and punched an anthill shouting 'usa usa' over and over. then i came back in, saw that the suicide bombing ants are in malasia, and then i felt really bad cause i had started another pointless world for America. i can still hear the screams..."



BULLSHIT
7 High Tech Products And Their Cheap Ass Ingredients
Everything is a rip-off.


Notable Comment: "I have been rubbing wax on my head for over 40 years, and she (my wife) loves it. She says it feels much better than a head without wax. I am so glad I was never Waxcircised when I was young." Honestly, RapRap, we have no idea what this means, but you can rest assured we're suitably terrified of you now.



CINEMA!
5 Things Movie Trailers Need to Stop Doing.
We can make fun of them all we want, but at the end of the day these Hollywood executives get paid for their terrible decisions with more money than we'll ever see. Unless that film script we sent in gets picked up. Then it's good-bye Internet, hello 'CRACKED: The Motion Picture' (Starring Keanu Reeves).


Notable Comment: "plus, hollywood keeps f*****g around and putting mark wahlberg in movies. that needs to stop." BobbyD84 needs to start circulating a petition. We'll sign.



KABOOOOM
7 True Stories That Prove The Airlines Hate You
40% of the universe is made up of either explosions or explosive material. The remaining 60% is widely believed to be lame.


Notable Comment:feralboy12 gives an apt summary of the entire Cracked philosophy, "Things explode every day. Don't be so sentimental."



DEATHCLAW!
The 6 Most Badass Murder Weapons in the Animal Kingdom
Whenever you start to feel like our species might be losing the evolutionary arms race, just Google 'chainsaw' plus 'Bruce Campbell', and you'll be reassured of the superiority of mankind.


Notable Comment: "Mantis shrimp are also the second fastest animal known to man, and they can see more colors than any other organism. They truly are a fascinating species that should be annihilated before they kill us all." Mothermagna realizes that sometimes genocide is the only way to be sure.





Death Ray Cabaret
The 'Say Vampire' Scene from 'Twilight': The Extended Cut.
Better than the Movie.


YOU YOU YOU!
If Everyone Had An Unlimited Advertising Budget.
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If the Whole World Turned Sarcastic.


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

7.30.09:

Mom, why is this picture in my Baby Book?
by ozweego

Editor's pick:

Caution, side effects may include crooked penis entering sun.... y'know what, just stop taking these
by bobboringbaker

7.29.09:

This season on Lost...
by Ozweego

Editor's pick:

Bill, you fat lazy bastard! Why aren't you helping us hold this tree up?
by seannyb

7.28.09:

Why will no one buy my apples?
by DanD

Editor's pick:

Tranny Smith apple.
by GaseousClay

7.27.09:

Unfortunately for bystanders, this is mating season.
by JCarlton

Editor's pick:

Chimpin' ain't easy.
by GaseousClay

7.26.09:

Man, I hate that dream when you're about to perform the Gay Caterpillar in the traveling circus and you discover to your horror you're in your underwear.
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

Dear Penthouse...
by Listless

7.25.09:

I for one was disappointed when I googled "guy riding panda"
by Blinker_Fluid

Editor's pick:

Excuse me, could you give me directions to Extinction?
by ronin22

7.24.09:

He felt so bad about Transformers 2, he showed up to personally offer people refunds on their way out of the theater.
by ChaseMitchell

Editor's pick:

The SciFi Channel: We'll make any movie you give us a script for.
by Fkelleghan

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