22 Observations About The Goddamn EB Games Line I'm In

Oh man, it's packed. Fuck this. I should just hit that Best Buy on the way home from work. -Takes deep breath, throws shoulder back, sets jaw- No. I can do this. I'll save five bucks if I get a used copy of Bioshock here. I can get in and out of here without punching someone, I know it.

Man, where did all these kids come from? Well, vaginas, obviously, but more recently I mean? Where are their parents? That's irresponsible parenting that is, treating an EB Games like it's a television.

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I don't actually hate kids, but I swear they just don't seem to have any idea what's going or around them sometimes. Like a bunch of tiny little Helen Kellers. And here we've got 15 of them, surrounded by flashing lights and bright colors in a room the size of a hot tub.

Crazy.

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Holy shit, that kid just came around that rack of games and slammed right into me! Like he was a coyote and I was an anvil.

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Holy shit! Another one just did the same thing! It's like a hilarious little roller derby in here.

Which I guess makes me the huge butch lesbian. Or James Caan.

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Heh. Fifteen blind, deaf children in a hot tub, slamming in to each other, attended to by a huge butch lesbian and/or James Caan. What a great way to get both you and your daycare on the news.

"I don't like the looks of all those reporters or social workers or cops, Jim."

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Oh hey guy with a patchy beard. Now the fact that we are standing by the same rack of games does not mean I want to talk to you about the game I'm buying. Or the game that's like it that is also good. Or the game you're buying. I should actually clarify by stating that I don't want to talk to anyone in here at all. Not here to make friends you see. I've already got friends. You can tell by the way my pants fit. You should look into that.

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And by "that" I don't mean my pants specifically.

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Jesus Christ. Half the used games here are EA sports titles. EA's got quite the little racket here, taking money from sports-games buying fans every year, like those people are capable of making decisions for themselves or something.

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Actually the more I think about it, the more I guess I'm OK with capitalizing on dumb people. I'm sorry EA: I just wish I'd thought of the scam first. Like lotteries or brightly colored plastic shoes.

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"No thanks man, just looking." No time for chit chat here buddy. I know you've just got a job to do, but I have no interest in whatever licensed movie tie-in video game you have to move this week. I don't care if I get four dollars off on the strategy guide, I do not want the video game version of Milk.

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Also, do people seriously buy the strategy guide? Is there anyone who buys video games but then decides they want to read about someone better playing it instead? Also consider that within days of a game coming out several industrious weirdos on the Internet will have banged together their own complete walkthroughs. Could you imagine if someone spent every waking minute for a week making an 80,000 word document that no one reads? Wouldn't that be the saddest thing ever? I gotta support the weirdos, dude.

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No kid, you do not want to buy an extended warranty for a fucking Game Boy. It is a hundred freaking dollars. Do not listen to their slippery and malignant words! I don't want to get all actuarial on you here, but in short: This is not a winning proposition for you. If you want to join me in my van later, I have some graphs that will illustrate my point.

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Man, I am just full of the child predator sass today, aren't I? What is it about this place? I have got to get out of here before I end up on Dateline.

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Oh that poor woman. Look at her. She has no idea what's going on here. It's like she fell through a rabbit hole and landed in a pile of stupid and woe. Sure, ask for help. See which licensed movie-based game you'll end up with for your nephew.

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To his credit, the guy did ask what her nephew was interested in first, though the fact that she said "Uhm, the Power Rangers?" with an audible question mark on the end, suggests to me that she doesn't know her nephew that well.

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I get how capitalism works and all, but I'm still a little annoyed that the discount for a used game compared to a new game is five measly dollars. I would totally get this on eBay, if I didn't really need to kill some shit right now.

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"Need for immediate murder" is probably on a PowerPoint presentation at EB Corporate somewhere. Beside a picture of a dollar sign or two guys in suits giving each other a leaping high five, if I know my PowerPoint presentations.

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Just the game today, Steve. No, I do not want to put in a pre-order for Call of Duty 8. I don't want any obligation to come back here. You see, the longer I spend in here, the more horrible the crimes I imagine committing. If I have to come back here I'll be be flirting with organ harvesting or zodiac killing.

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I'm amazed they didn't ask if I wanted to pre-order the Call of Duty 8 Strategy Guide--I'd be capering out of here in a suit made out of someone's skin if they'd tried it.

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Well that's over and done with. In and out in only 10 minutes, with no damage done. Except in the dark carnival that is my mind of course, and I was committing some pretty heinous carnage in there. I should have gone to Best Buy--the worst I contemplate there is shitting in someone's mouth.

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Check out the last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz

Which Site Has The Stupidest Commenters On The Web? - July 14th, 2009
6 Great Movies Where People Are Hunted for Sport - July 7th, 2009
7 Tricks Tony Hawk Should Have Done in the White House - June 30th, 2009
If Hollywood Remade 'The Gobots' - June 23rd, 2009
My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken 'Comfort Wipe' - June 16th, 2009