6 Places You Should Never Twitter From

#3. From Guatemala

Alright, so tweeting from Guatemala in general probably isn't a problem, but you may want to limit your activity to details of your previous night's dinner exploits or mourning the death of Billy Mays. For example Twitter user Jeanfer, or @Jeanfer if you're a trendy fuckstick, will have a good long while to think about what happens when you get too comfortable with the idea of Internet anonymity. Check out this saucy tweet...

Seriously! That takes some cojones! What's that? You want us to translate? Jesus tap dancing Christ you're lazy. Fine, it says, "The first action people should take is to remove cash from Banrural, and break the banks of corrupt people #escandalogt." Also, cojones are testicles, or "balls" as the kids like to say.

As for the #escandalogt thing, that is a Twitter hash tag used to identify tweets relating to the assassination of Guatemalan attorney Rodrigo Rosenberg. You see, shortly before his death, Rosenberg posted a YouTube video claiming that then Guatemalan president Alvaro Colom was going to have him killed. Not one to back down from a challenge, Colom did just that (allegedly). Rosenberg was indeed assassinated a few days later. A video of Rosenberg's plea mashed up with a Black Eyed Peas song has yet to be posted, but give it time. Anyway, because Banrural was linked to the scandal that led to Rosenberg's assassination, Jeanfer suggested a run on the bank in an effort to bankrupt them.

In response to the tweet, Jeanfer was subjected to the most efficient criminal justice prosecution in history when he was raided, arrested, sent before a judge and sentenced all in one day. Apparently, recommending a run on banks is a crime in Guatemala, and Jeanfer was sentenced to prison until he is able to pay a $9,600 fine. Never mind the fact that this is more cash than most Guatemalans bring home in a year, what we want to know is exactly how the 37-year-old IT guy is going to scrape together the money while being simultaneously incarcerated.


Or maybe we don't want to know.

#2. From an Illegal City Council Meeting (at a Bar)

You know what really gets under people's skin? Having their entire neighborhood annexed into oblivion by way of a city council vote. When shit like that jumps off, folks tend to want to have some say in it before the bulldozers show up to reduce their happy home to a pile of lead paint and asbestos.


On the bright side, free Starbucks for life!

It's a good thing that most states have laws in place that prevent city council meetings from taking place without the public having the ability to attend. And it's a good thing for the sake of this article that Mukilteo, WA city council member Jennifer Gregerson either doesn't know these laws exist or, more hilariously, has no idea what "debrief" means.

After sending an unnecessarily high number of tweets during a city council meeting on a proposed plan to annex 11,500 residents from their homes, Gregerson followed up with this ill-advised message:

"City staff and some council now Debriefing and relaxing at ivars for late night happy hour. Time for dinner, I think!"


"Hey, what goes good with getting rid of 12,000 residents? Would that be a red, or white?"

Four council members were present at the late night soiree along with Mayor Joe Marine and City Attorney Angela Belbeck. According to Washington's Open Meeting Act, debriefing among four or more members of the city council constitutes a quorum and the public must be allowed to attend. By including the word "debrief" in and/or failing to add "LOL! Plz to come join us you guyz!" at the end of her tweet, Gregerson implied that the city council was breaking the law. Naturally, people noticed. Among those who were less than impressed with the clandestine meeting was the awesomely named Mukilteo resident, Christine Awad Schmalz, who had this to say:

"I've lived in other cities in the U.S. and I've never seen anything quite so blatant as sitting in your local restaurant one goes and sitting there like that."

Fucking government hotshots, always sitting in restaurants one goes and shit. It's enough to make a person form a militia. But instead of rising up in arms against her oppressors, Awad Schmalz said she was going to file a formal complaint. So far, no action has been taken against the city council members, but in a nice twist that says, "This shitty town only has one goddamned bar," Mayor Jim Marine's opponent in the upcoming mayoral election, Pat Smith, was at Ivar's that night also and used the incident as campaign fodder. According to Smith, he believes Gregerson, "spoke the truth, that her Twitter was accurate, and that misbehavior that broke the law did occur." As for Pat, he was just there to quietly get trashed in the corner.

#1. From Your Specific Goddamned Location in Iraq

Among the discussion about why the terrorists hate us, there should probably be a sidebar about why the terrorists choose to fuck with us so much. If we're giving our two cents, we'd say that it's probably because sometimes, just like the fat chick who wears spandex pants and tube tops for no discernible reason, we're easy targets.

Michigan Congressman Pete Hoekstra demonstrated this with a series of ill advised tweets about his specific locations during a trip to Iraq, including a 12 hour advance notice of his plans to visit the war torn country. After touching down, he made sure to let the insurgents--his loving public--know that he "just landed in Iraq." Shortly thereafter came news that he "Moved into green zone by helicopter, Iraqi flag now over palace. Headed to new U.S. embassy." That was followed up with "Cake boy in Citgo restroom just outside Basrah. Looking for twinks for rough play in next 30 minutes." Fine, maybe we made that last one up.

Anyway, in all fairness we're pretty confident that terrorists aren't planning their activities around Twitter updates, but the controversy surrounding this story might lead them to consider it. There is a reason why most politicians make "surprise" visits to Iraq, that reason being that they don't want some grammatically challenged Afghani 14-year-old commenting on their beheading on YouTube.

After democrats cried hypocrisy over Hoekstra's tweets (he previously spoke out against the unauthorized leaking of information), the Congressman responded in typical political fashion by blaming opposition party members of doing the same thing before adding a completely not plausible defense. "You don't know it's the exact time, you don't know whether I sent that the minute I got in the car, whether it's halfway to the embassy or after I got that." Pete, nobody tweets about the past. That's the entire point of Twitter. If you said you were at the embassy at 11:56, you were. Just be glad you didn't get abducted and stop using Twitter. That goes for the rest of you too.




For information on following Adam on Twitter, head to ScenicAnemia.com.

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