Cracked Round-Up: Canada Edition.

We're not actually going to type this any differently, but feel free to imagine us saying 'eh', every sixth or seventh word.

PAIN

7 Fatal Injuries (That People Somehow Survived) Our only hope is that this article has convinced at least one person to try impaling their skull with a giant metal rod in order to alter their personality.

Notable Comment:"...and fyi hunting rifles need distance to gain power, and 9mm handguns are weak, they are meant to incapacitate not kill" chuck_steak, everything about this sentence is incorrect. Please do not attempt to shoot someone at point blank range with a hunting rifle or a 9mm. You will kill them.

OBAMARAMA

6 Ways The Recession Has Made The World Suck Less. There's nothing quite so painful as the comments section of an article that mentions anything even vaguely political.

Notable Comment: "While we're at cracked, let's agree that politicians are fucked up, and we would prefer to laugh." Slowmotion has it right. Let's make dick jokes while the world burns around us.

THE END

5 Horrifying Apocalyptic Scenarios (That Have Already Happened) As a general rule, whenever someone foretells the apocalypse it's probably bullshit.

Notable Comment:"Who says "Bunghole" anymore? Seriously" DanFraley, Cracked.com would like to take this opportunity to publicly assert that you, sir, are a bunghole. Thank you for your time.

CRASHBANG

7 True Stories That Prove The Airlines Hate You No one at Cracked has ever had much of an issue with the airlines. Then again, we're all already used to being brutally violated without lubrication over here.

Notable Comment:"dongtacular stuff here. now i'm angry though. this is an entire article of rage-inducing idiocy on the grandest scale. thankfully it is friday so i can drink this off later." BobbyD84, we'd hate to have to say we were responsible for your alcoholism. Would you consider switching to a cooler/deadlier drug, like shooting heroin or insufflating drain cleaner?

MADNESS

7 Insane Ads That Have No Clue What They're Selling Why, advertising industry, why did those babies have to die under that cheese geyser?

Notable Comment: “Furry money is worthless because it's generally covered in furry semen and fursuit fuzz." LordShplane, please never write anything involving furries and semen again.

Gladstone

Black Eyed Peas Have Officially Written The Worst Song Ever G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-GLADSTONE

YOU YOU YOU!

21 Office Supplies Too Awesome To Exist We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If You Had an Unlimited Advertising Budget

7.23.09:

Gang handshakes have come a long way from the fist bump.
by sish2000

Editor's pick:

Weirdest game of Jenga i ever played.
by Abboman

7.22.09:

Republicans were right about gay marriage being just the beginning...
by liverpooljohnny

Editor's pick:

We did it, guys! We made the first robot ever designed to feel shame and social awkwardness!
by Boonehams

7.21.09:

So Sarah Jessica Parker finally came out with a sex vid, eh?
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

And that's where Centaurs come from.
by wquates

7.20.09:

Dammit, I only came out here because they said there'd be a topless float...
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

This is pants down the worst parade ever.
by Kolko

7.19.09:

The architect for the Boston sperm bank had a sense of humor
by dramdan

Editor's pick:

Maybe now people will understand why I have sex with buildings.
by Ronin22

7.18.09:

Do you know why I pulled you over?
by Listless

Editor's pick:

"So... did I pass my driving test?"
by racedogg2

7.17.09:

"Give me back my fucking Coke!"
by HUMLY

Editor's pick:

"What do you do for a living?" "I shoot endangered animals and put them in comical situations. It doesn't pay much, but it's a passion."
by phreesh