#3. Pistol Shrimp's Laser Claw
Do not be deceived by the small size of this creature--that lumpy shape by the pistol shrimp's head is its claw. It's specially modified to blow the shit out of its opponent by snapping shut so quickly it produces a flash of light and a blast of sound reaching 218 decibels, which science says is louder than a damned gunshot.
The sound isn't caused by the claws snapping together, but rather a jet of water which is shot at 60 mph. Due to the, um, "underwateriness" of the action scene, a low pressure bubble is formed and the sound is created when the bubble collapses. And the sound is so powerful it stuns the opponent into a somewhat retarded stupor, leaving Mr. Pistol to reap the rewards and tuck into a lovely comatose crustacean snack.
How Badass is That?
Wait, it gets weirder. The sheer force of the bubble collapse means it reaches temperatures up to 18,000 degrees Fahrenheit, a.k.a. hotter than the surface of the fucking sun.
In theory this means if you could train a bunch of these shrimp to shoot at each other they could cook and prepare themselves as a meal.
#2. The Palm Salamander's 18,000-Watt Tongue
Meet the palm salamander, who science has awarded with the title of "owner of the fastest muscle in the world." While probably one or two Guido salamanders go around bragging about which muscle that is, it's actually a reference to it its tongue. It's possible the lady salamanders are still impressed by that, but it's disturbing so we'll just ignore it.
The palm salamander can fully extend its tongue (which is about half the length of its 18-centimeter body) in about seven milliseconds. That works out to about 29 mph, which might not sound all that impressive until you watch this bastard hunt.
It's like a freaking magic trick. One moment the insect is chilling on the wall across the room, and then suddenly it's not and for some reason the salamander is lazily chewing on something. If the human tongue moved that fast, every middle school dance would be a blood bath of French kissing fatalities.
How Badass is That?
The strongest muscle in the human body (the quadriceps) can put out about 100 watts of power. The salamander's tongue can produce 18,000 watts. If your thighs were a generator they could barely power a light bulb while our amphibious friend would be running two five-ton air conditioning units. Your thighs officially suck.
#1. The Jellyfish's Supersonic Stingers
Likely you're already aware that jellyfish can fuck you up mightily by the simple act of you having the audacity to occupy the same space as their godforsaken appendages. This is caused by thousands of stinger cells concentrated on each of their tentacles. The box jellyfish has up to 60 tentacles reaching seven-feet in length. Every inch of those tentacles has over two million stinging cells full of venom, which is why so many people shit their bikini bottoms when they turn up at the local beach.
This isn't the result of the jellyfish being a dick, though. It doesn't sting you for wearing that preposterous Speedo out in public, it doesn't even have a brain. The sting is a natural reaction which is so badass it's un-fucking-controllable.
Science explains how it works.
Within each of the stinger cells is a harpoon style weapon, designed to deliver maximum venom on contact. That's contact with anything that brushes by it in the ocean, be it a fish, a school of used condoms or you. When the trigger of the stinger cell--which science people in wetsuits call a nematocyst--is fired, the harpoon is discharged in 700 nanoseconds. In slightly easier to comprehend language that's 0.0000007 seconds. Or, in other words, holy shit that's quick.
How Badass is That?
The nematocyst cell fires the harpoon at such a high speed, the force of the acceleration equals 1,000,000 times the force of gravity. An astronaut will typically encounter four to five Gs during takeoff, which means if you put a jellyfish in the space shuttle, and it fired its stingers at the moment of takeoff, it would travel back in time .
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