The Insane Political Commentator
The next level down from the religious comics, and with quite a bit of overlap between the realms, we find the somehow equally insane political comics. Behold:
#5. Diversity Lane:
Above you can see that this comic by Zack Rawsthorne is either about a little girl, or a very old lady, who is upset that we are losing America. So this comic is a modern day Family Ties and Diversity Lane (the name of the girl up there) is like a new Alex P. Keaton?
"Hey, what is this, Cracked? Are you saying people are crazy just for being conservative?" Well...
...it depends on whether or not you think that while Michael Jackson's funeral was going on, America was simultaneously invaded by North Korea's navy, Iran's army and Russia's feared zeppelin fleet.
We get that those are symbols, but Diversity Lane's symbolism is what sends it crashing through the guardrails of Political Hack Bridge and splashing down into the rushing waters of Batshit River. Try to puzzle through this one:
The family is miniature golfing, a 20 foot-long anaconda curls out of the cardboard building that represents Korea, and we're supposed to laugh at the parents for suggesting that their little girl not fight the fucking snake? Guys, we don't care who you voted for in the last election; if you see a giant fucking serpent at the miniature golf course, alert the management. Do not have your children fight it with a golf club.
Then you have this one, where Diversity talks about how Mexico is sending "monster-criminals" and "floating pig-diseases" to destroy America:
Hell, that could easily be a liberal comic, mocking the overblown fears of the right. It's not.
But while Diversity Lane is indecipherable, it doesn't come close to the shrieking hall of mirrors that is...
#4. Hal Lindsey's Oracle Cartoons:
I have to thank Comedy Central's Indecision blog for introducing me to Hal Lindsey's work. So, thank you. And go to Hell.
As with the above, some of Hal's stuff is coherent enough to establish that he's pretty far on the right:
Obviously we can't go trusting a man who is "unashamedly black" (as the binding on one of his secret books says). Any good minority should admit what a shameful thing that is before attempting to run for office, and apologize in advance. But that's about as sane as the man's work gets:
There's no caption for the above comic. We didn't crop some crucial context. That's the whole thing. Transvestite Boy Scout leader. Elderly ACLU Fairy. Atheist gorilla, wearing a tie, ringing a bell to raise money for the Salvation Army at Christmas. Vote Republican.
What is so awesome about these is that it takes two people to make them (the artist is John Rule). I would pay a lot of money to sit in on their brainstorming sessions, the two men perfectly in tune with the message they're trying to convey.
"So I want a typical American family, at home. In fact, let's label their home "America." And Fear comes calling. Make it look scary, you know, in a black robe with 'FEAR' on its back in all caps. And Fear is bringing with it suitcases labeled 'Russia' and 'Iraq'-"
"-and Japan, Ireland and the U.K. Sure, sure."
"Also make sure the American family has the stars and stripes-"
"-instead of a curtain. Yeah, this isn't my first political comic, chief."
"You know, we really should do one on this whole Global Warming thing..."
"Way ahead of you, Hal. Got one right here."
"Great, that's pretty much exactly what I had in mind."
"Sure, sure. I mean, there's only so many ways to approach the subject, right?"
By the way, you may want to delete these off your computer. You know what'll happen when the liberals catch you reading them:
Though after they put you in jail for reading them, they apparently let you keep reading them as part of your rehabilitation.
OK, we have two levels to go, and we're getting down to dark realms where the howls of the damned can be heard. To take in what you're about to see, you'll need an open mind. A mind so open, in fact, that hobos have taken to squatting inside it, and smoking meth.
I offer you this last chance to turn away.
The Incomprehensible Sexual Fetishes
A recent study by MIT said that by 2020, 40 percent of all content on the Web will be furry fuck comics. Strips like The Office Bitch populate every webcomic hosting service, covering humans transforming into animals, or into dragons, or turning from male into female. Or all of them at the same time:
Perverse? Yes. Crazy? Only in the sense that all sexual fetishes are crazy. That guy likes male dragon vaginas, I like Asian schoolgirls wearing fake beards. Again, glass house.
But then we have comics like...
Concession is a "furry" webcomic and if you're here I assume you already know that "furry" means you shouldn't click that link unless you're in an environment where they're OK with lots and lots of pictures of cartoon animals fucking. But that's nothing you haven't seen before. At this point, anthropomorphic animals giving each other blow jobs are pretty much the wallpaper of the Internet.
Concession functions on a whole other level.
It's written and drawn by Immelmann, who describes himself as a wolf/rabbit hybrid. It's called Concession because it's about a bunch of friends who work the concession stand at a movie theater. What kind of wacky hijinks could such a job offer?
Well, in this episode a child is abandoned at the theater:
The character who is comforting the child up there is named Artie. In a hilarious Three's Company-esque misunderstanding, he wakes up in bed with the child and believes he has molested her:
Artie then meets a woman and they go out on a date, where she surprises him by taking him to a NAMBLA convention. It turns out she also molests children and believes they share a common interest. To his credit, Artie is disgusted and storms out, but she shows up the next day, convincing him to embrace his pedophilia because the feelings are "natural," and to tempt him, brings a flock of children for them to share:
At which point he beats the shit out of the woman:
And reveals that he only molested the child because he has brain cancer.
So... that was really the best way that storyline could have worked itself out, I guess. It's not exactly pro-pedophilia or anything. After all, the character rejects the lifestyle.
Wait, did we mention that the story arc ends with the orphan leaving to go join the pedophile's underage sex harem?
Run! Run, stranger! Wait, what's this up ahead?
#2. Boston and Shaun:
I was introduced to Boston and Shaun by Something Awful, the site that someone once told me was the Michael Jordan to my Bill Wennington. This was five years ago, and the comic was already five years old at that point. I guess what I'm saying is that Boston and Shaun has been running since 19-fucking-99.
That's right; in a year when less than half of American households even had Internet access, there was already a fetish comic starring animals. And dragons. At least we think it's a fetish comic. Most of the strips involve the characters eating and rapidly gaining weight, over and over again...
...then erotically rubbing and poking their bellies...
Oh, and there are giant kangaroos involved. And with them, constant storylines about other characters shrinking down and curling up inside their pouches. That also is a fetish, I'm told. Also, there are diapers.
So what I'm saying is there's like nine different fetishes at play in this one strip. However, combing through their archives I can't find a single breast, or penis, or conventional sex act. Everything is smiles and fur and bright colors, and yet with each panel you can hear the sound of a thousand lonely men masturbating.
So how does Boston and Shaun land on a level of comic hell more disturbing than Concession? It's the absolute mind-rending unpredictability of the plots. Every time you get comfortable with the idea of where the story is going, it goes screaming off in another direction. For instance, here is the strip from 1/15/2002:
Well, hell, that's a pretty straightforward story setup there. Going to meet Shaun's family. Want to look their best. Such a well-worn comic premise, it borders on the predictable. Let's see what new twist Boston and Shaun can put on it. The very next strip, from 1/16/2002:
That, my friends, is what it feels like when somebody crams your expectations up their asshole and farts them into orbit. That's the whole strip; there's no context for what you just saw there. No human logic can tie one pixel of that episode to the one before it. Go to the site and click around if you don't believe me. You'll find no familiar footing to comfort you. Needless to say, from there to the end of the comic's archives, they never do meet Shaun's family.