#3. Criminally Negligent Man-Bird, for Insurance ApparentlyWhat it looks like:
The ad starts with two women driving a car and suddenly slamming on the brakes in the middle of the street for no apparent reason. What follows is one of the greatest exchanges ever recorded between two master thespians as both actresses manage to miss their cues in a five second whirlwind of teased hair and stilted delivery.
First lady: "What's that?"
Second lady: "Do you have insurance on this car?"
Realizing the driver doesn't have car insurance, the passenger comes to the obvious conclusion that it must have been Eagle Man who landed on their roof just now.
The obvious conclusion.
Eagle Man then recites a pseudo-rhyme in a voice that sounds like Leelee Sobieski before literally shitting an egg out onto the top of the vehicle.
The ad ends with Eagle Man's birdshit hatchling clutching a crib sheet of local insurance rates in its beak.
What it really is:
It appears Eagle Man is selling low rate SR-22 forms, which is proof of insurance required for people who tend to have a lot of accidents. So on one hand, he's targeting risky drivers who need coverage, which makes perfect sense. What does not make sense is the fact that in this ad, said driver only had an accident because fucking Eagle Man landed on her car.
Reading between the lines, we're thinking the guys behind Eagle Man are actually running some kind of protection racket. "Haven't had an accident yet? Don't worry. You will."
#2. A Minute of Nightmares and LeBron James for SpriteWhat it looks like:
This starts out well, with a bunch of guys in suits and giant green masks infiltrating a private residence while wielding paintball guns to a hip soundtrack.
Another team, this one clad in yellow Greedo helmets, enters from the back of the house. You now may be wondering if we are being too picky about what constitutes a failed commercial. "This is not that weird," you might even be saying to yourself. Then: MIDGETS IN NIPPLE HATS.
These guys probably went to Juliard.
Did we mention this happens as a series of split second cuts between the scenes of the two paintball teams? After almost 50 seconds of color-coordinated sneaking around and midgets running headlong into each other at top speed, we finally get to the show down when the paintball teams corner... a giant tongue?
You're licked now, buddy! *Applause*
It is at this point that we all succumb to mind diarrhea. While the giant tongue is shot with green and yellow paint like Sonny Corleone, we are assaulted with a barrage of bizarre hyper-cut images including:
A CGI frog eating a lizard;
A statue exploding;
Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots;
A slice of lemon being inseminated--and no, this isn't just a humorous description, it's an actual sperm wiggling into a lemon slice;
Oh, and it stars LeBron James.What it really is:
Apparently the Coca-Cola Company claims this is an ad for Sprite, as part of their edgy "Sublymonal" marketing campaign. The message of the campaign, as far as we can tell, is "Sprite is manufactured by costumed midgets ejaculating onto sliced lemons. Enjoy."
#1. Furry Orgy for Vagina JuiceWhat it looks like:
This is animal porn. There is no other way to describe what we are watching.
This commercial features anthropomorphic animals dry humping, spraying each other with liquid and giving lap dances for nearly a full two minutes of thrusting pelvises and furry jiggling breasts. It's a lot like that sequence in The Shining if it had been animated by Pixar. Some of the more troubling moments include:
An octopus stripper giving a lap dance to a bear;
A doe bathing herself in what we hope is juice;
Zebras in monokinis riding giant bursting phalluses;
Right now we can't imagine this commercial advertising anything other than the most terrifying boner anyone has ever achieved.What it really is:
Perhaps in an effort to top their ad for dairy (see above), France created this masterpiece to promote a line of fruit juices called Orangina. That is not a typo.
Unlike some of the other entries, we can sort of see how this idea might have started out before transforming into the twisted carnival of eye-gouging horror it later became. Fruit juices are natural, hence nature, so that's why we're outside with a bunch of animals, though the presence of the octopus suggests a troubling deficiency in France's public school system.
However, the intended market for this product seems to have been confused. Cartoon animals are generally a strategy for younger consumers, while sexual innuendo is arguably reserved for older audiences. Mixing the two approaches together aims it purely at furries. Furries, and absolutely nobody else. Though we suppose their money is as good as ours.
While not writing for Cracked, Arkard advocates suicide via drownyourself.com.
For more mind-boggling commercials, check out 5 Retro Commercials Companies Would Like You to Forget and 6 Baffling Old-School Video Game Commercials.
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