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Cracked Round-Up: PATRIOTISM Edition.

Here at Cracked, the only thing we love more than a truckload of good blow is celebrating our love for America. That's why we spent half of this quarter's operating budget ($16) on Mexican firecrackers and dozens of tiny American flags (also made in Mexico). We can already hear the freedom ringing!

Wait...no...that's just tinnitus.


Bucholz began this week with a patriotic tribute to Tony Hawk's White House shenanigans. Next up, Seanbaby wrote about the sublime sound of dreams shattering. Dan O'Brien closed us off this week by writing an exhaustive guide on what to do with the kidnapped children of the most powerful man in the free world. We expect Mr. O'Brien to disappear mysteriously any day now, in which case his column will be given over to McDonald's ads and hardcore Greek pornography.



MICROBES!
6 Items You Touch Everyday That Are Filthier Than a Toilet.
We're not 100% certain, but we think the message of this article is that it is perfectly acceptable to clean your mouth by licking your toilet.


Notable Comment: "That`s it now i am gonna carry my own bottle of soap when I go to public places." Aww, that's cute. Leokinz95 thinks soap will save him. THE BACTERIA HAVE ALREADY WON, FOOL!



DISFUNCTIONAL
6 New Personality Disorders Caused by the Internet.
The Internet is building a bright new world of disconnected, soulless sociopaths.


Notable Comment:"I have aspergers, and that's completely untrue. It's easy to tell when people are upset, I just don't care because 60% of the time they deserve it and the other 40% I'm just being a dick because I hate them." Kougeru, you may not be doing the best job of proving your point here.



GI JACKASS
The 7 Most Pathetic G.I. Joe Characters.
With any luck, we'll see most of these characters again on Season 3 of Venture Bros.


Notable Comment:"What about William "The Refrigerator" Perry? His weapon was a freakin football on a chain, for christssakes. That, plus weighing over 300 pounds would make little use on the field of combat. Or anywhere else." Yeah, howler24, but our readers get angry when we make fun of fat people.



CONSUMER WHORE
5 Corporate Promotions That Ended In Predictable Disaster
This is what happens when advertisers think outside of the box. There's a REASON that damn box is there, people.


Notable Comment: "hey man, Ace Ventura rules. f**k you all" Damn straight, cmt9949.



ASSCONCERT
7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert
This is why concerts need bouncers.


Notable Comment:"I went to a Bloodhound Gang concert in Iceland back in 2000 with a few of my buddies. One of them had a bottle of moonshine, which is really quite common to have there. Halfway into the show, he has to take a piss, but seeing as how we're right up to the stage going to the bathroom wasn't an option, so he pee's into his moonshine bottle. Right after that the bassist spots the bottle and asks to take a swig. He finished it off." Iceland, we hope so badly that this story is true.





Cody Johnston
A Series of Poor Decisions: The Twitter Song.
Tweetastic.


YOU YOU YOU!
15 Ill-Conceived Displays of Patriotism.
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, The Worst Time To Get An Erection


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

7.2.09:

Nice to see a girl of this caliber
by thejex

Editor's pick:

Lt. Dan's girlfriend
by MikeRotch

7.1.09:

which Twilight book is this?
by Dunstin Checks Out

Editor's pick:

Underworld: The Color of Money
by MC_Rap

6.30.09:

Princess Leia's brief affair with R2-D2 yielded some unexpected consequences.
by GaseousClay

Editor's pick:

You should see the brides maid's dresses.
by hwuu

6.29.09:

Seriously, guys we need to buy a copy of Photoshop.
by Diasdiem

Editor's pick:

Hey girls c'mon back to our place. We have pictures of huge dicks in our pants.
by Jeepster

6.28.09:

Sir, the ship's Gaydar is fluctuating violently.
by Spirolli

Editor's pick:

Dude, I don't care what he looks like, you don't take a picture of another guy standing at a urinal.
by seannyb

6.27.09:

Finally, someone that Furries can look down on.
by Warren_et

Editor's pick:

I think I need to reread Charlotte's Web again.
by Tessica

6.26.09:

It's the first time I've ever seen the one eyed snake appear intimidated by the box.
by steeze_bucket

Editor's pick:

There's a very good reason that you don't talk about fight club.
by Leaf

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