So you're a huge geek and have some cash to spend. You're not going to settle for some memorabilia to hang on your walls and some costumes to wear to ComicCon. No, you're going to trick out your whole freaking house with some awesome geek-themed furniture.
Unfortunately, in the world of geek obsessions, practicality and style are often mutually exclusive. You'll have to decide which you want when shopping for a...
As a reminder of the coolest scene in the coolest Star Wars movie, the Han-Solo-Frozen-In-Carbonite desk is straight up awesome. Having this beauty in your office would leave even the most tangentially geeky person in awe of your furniture owning prowess. How could anyone say no to a person sitting across from them at this table? One look down at Han's frozen scream and they'd do whatever you want.
But then the thrill of owning Han encased in carbonite dies down a little and you actually have to sit down at your desk and start filling out those TPS reports again. Just try to concentrate while Harrison Ford's ghostly visage, twisted in rage and fear, stares permanently up past your keyboard.
Now imagine trying to eat a quick office takeout dinner on this thing, with Han Solo's gaping maw silently demanding a bite of each nacho you lift off your plate. And then there are those extended fingers, that your imagination will surely see wiggling desperately out of the corner of your eye.
Also, there are no drawers so that seems really inconvenient.
Ah, now this is better. Having a Captain Kirk chair makes even the most mundane of tasks an action-filled adventure in the 23rd century! Whether you're ordering pizza, changing channels or just masturbating gloomily, you'll feel like Captain Kirk ordering pizza, changing channels and masturbating gloomily and have all the confidence of a man who humped his way across the galaxy.
At some point in this setup, the Starship Enterprise stops and your sad little apartment begins. And while that chair looks awesome in the middle of a space-age bridge and blinking computers, sandwich it between the charcoal grill up there and your cat's litter box, and you have a recipe for instant clinical depression.
And the garbage men just will not take it.
Honestly, we're not sure if the full-on Starfleet uniform hurts or helps that cause. Sitting in this in your old "Federal Breast Inspector" t-shirt and a pair of Bud Light sweats would seem to dishonor the proud tradition that chair represents, but dressing up like an aging William Shatner just makes it look like your own schizophrenic delusion has come to life. It's kind of a no-win situation.
H.R. Giger's aesthetic is unmistakable, his black leather dong-inspired creature from Alien is one of the most original and terrifying monsters ever to later be ruined in a retarded crossover movie.
Giger, for some reason, then felt the need to branch into home decor. For instance we have these high-backed chairs, made for the film Dune, which would be perfect for some living room activities like passively observing an orgy while petting your white Persian cat and wearing your blue alien Sting speedo.
Meanwhile, this coffee table, also inspired by Giger's work, would definitely be awesome for scaring the shit out of your dog.
No matter how awesome your geek cred is, at some point you're going to wind up hosting your grand parents, or in-laws. You'll create many an awkward moment as Aunt Maria comments on how lovely the funeral service was as she sits daintily in a chair seemingly crafted entirely out of Xenomorph spines.
You'll come to regret your coffee table purchase when you stumble home drunk in the middle of the night and trip on it; the teeth of its alien jaws tearing open your scrotum.
Do you know what's awesome about chemistry? Fucking everything, that's what. Argon? Lead? Molybdenum? Hells yeah, bitches. Back in the day being a geek wasn't just about video games and a shrine to Megan Fox, you also had to be the kid with thick rimmed glasses who carried a pocket protector and actually knew what the fuck calculus was good for.
Now that everything nerdy is ultra cool, it's time to embrace that genius heritage with the Periodic Coffee Table, which has a sample of all 88 naturally occurring elements embedded in a replication of the Periodic Table. Why put your feet up on some pressboard IKEA hunk of junk when you could be resting your dogs on sleek, sexy cadmium? They even found a way to include the toxic ones!
At $8,550, it ain't cheap, but keeping it real never is. And while the table is a guaranteed conversation starter, each element comes in its own individual cube, meaning if you ever throw a party, you're going to wake up the next day with a table containing only shit elements like calcium and fucking xenon gas with a busted thorium cube leaking small amounts of radiation. Meanwhile some jackass is trying to pawn the chunks of gold, silver and platinum you like to rest your coffee on.
It's Friday night and you're wrapping up another rousing session of D&D. The goblins have been slain, the maidens have been won. Good job, Dungeon Master. Kick back, and set your fine drink upon a glass tray held obediently by your stone "Subservient Dragon."
If you're not into D&D, it also works great for displaying your Harry Potter books or He-Man action figures.
Once more, what's awesome on its own becomes sad in context. The misleading photo up there portrays our noble dragon table in a palatial room serving goblets of gold. That sucker takes on a whole new light when it's offering a 32-ounce Mountain Dew from Taco Bell in a Transformers 2 cup, next to a wrinkled bag containing bits of Cheetos dust.