#2. Yevno Azef Was a Top Anti-Terror Agent. And Terrorist
Born in 1869 to a poor family, Yevno Azef ventured out to make some cash by joining Okhrana, the secret police force of the Russian Empire. Since everyone needs to shine somehow, his specialty was infiltrating political parties that posed a risk to the Empire, gaining the trust of the leaders and then stabbing them right in the asshole.
Other risks to The Empire.
The job paid extremely well, had fun perks like ass stabbing and everything was smooth sailing until he was instructed to penetrate the Social Revolutionary Party.And then, shit got real...
Azef discovered the Combat Organization, a terrorist sub-group of the Revolutionary Party that assassinated government officials. While still on the payroll of the secret police, he joined the terrorist group and quickly rose through the ranks. Eventually he set up the leader and ultimately replaced him, in much the same way Mr. Furley replaced Mr. Roper on Three's Company.
Also like Furley, Azef had 2,000 highly trained guerrilla fighters willing to die for him. Using them, he drew up a plan to kill the Russian Head of Police because fuck that guy. At the last minute Azef had to leave town, probably for some sort of clambake with friends, and sent someone else to carry out the assassination, with 100 of his men as backup as overkill had yet to be invented.
Azef got to enjoy his double-life as both cop and criminal for a while until both sides began to suspect a traitor. Members of the Combat Organization eventually voted to have him killed, demonstrating turn of the century Russia's piss poor workplace dispute resolution methods, and an informer revealed to the police that he was a terrorist. The guy pretty much lost all of his friends at once.
Just like Double Impact, and Van Damme's career.
Put on trial before he could be killed, the court had decent evidence against him but even if he escaped jail time, they knew the Combat Organization was waiting. In a stroke of brilliance, Azef invented the "I'm totally good for it, dude" distraction by assuring the court he had irrefutable evidence of his innocence. And he'd bring it with him the next day.
We like to think at least one dude in the courtroom the day after, looking at his watch about an hour after Azef never returned, was genuinely shocked and hurt that he'd been scammed.Favorable Comparison to Bond: Execution of the Double, Double Cross
What if in the next Bond film, we learn that James had been working as a double agent for SPECTRE the entire fucking time. Sure, it would make him a lot less likable, but you'd also have to wonder how any light ever escaped the gravitational field emitted by his massive balls.
#1. Eddie Chapman Kills Hitler (Almost)
Chapman deserted the British Army in search of adventure that involved less bangers and mash and more screaming insanity. He took a job as a safecracker and began robbing mines and stealing dynamite to blow up safes he couldn't crack because uncooperative inanimate objects need to be taught lessons when they show you up.
Eventually the law caught up with him and Chapman was sent away to an island that was taken over by Germans during WWII.And then, shit got real...
The Nazis, apparently one step away from recruiting French hobos, recruited Chapman as an agent which was better than the alternative of being a Nazi prison bitch. He was parachuted into England where he promptly went to MI5 and offered his services as a double agent.
Although MI5 initially had doubts about his unpatriotic track record, he made a deal to get pardoned for his crimes and to keep any money he made off the Nazis, they accepted his proposal because fuck Germany.
To paraphrase Winston Churchill: "Fuck Nazi's up their stupid asses!"
So what did Eddie do to deserve a place on this list? He killed Hitler. Or he could have. You know, if they'd let him.
Eddie's Nazi spy handler had told him to go to England and blow up some factory. He said as a reward, when he came back to Germany he'd be placed in the first or second row in a Nazi rally. Hitler would be right there, in easy killing distance for a man like Chapman.
He told his contacts at MI5 and begged for them to let him take Hitler's ass out. He did this knowing the mission would to be a one-way trip for him, since even if he succeeded the guards were going to congratulate him by outfitting his body with some new orifices.
Despite MI5 thinking that the plan could work, it was ultimately turned down by Winston Churchill, some historians suspect because of "a longstanding government policy against assassinating foreign heads of state."Favorable Comparison With Bond: Disapproving Superiors Part Deux
Remember when we talked about how Sorge was deemed too manly to be trusted by Joseph Stalin? Remember how you thought you couldn't get any manlier than that?
Manlier than THIS?
Well Chapman hatched a plan that was deemed out of bounds by Winston Churchill, and the plan was a suicide mission to kill freaking Hitler. The specific reasons for Churchill's veto were never declassified, so we'll go ahead and assume it was the part where Chapman busted out his laser watch, cut Hitler in half before banging that hot Nazi chick from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade as the entire Nazi party looked on in horror.
For more stories involving steel testicles, check out The 11 Most Badass Last Words Ever Uttered and 7 People Who Cheated Death (Then Kicked It In The Balls).
And check out our Top Picks to see Gladstone's Bond impression (it's pretty awful).