7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert
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#3.
The Bootlegger
It's a pretty safe bet that, where there is a major band playing live, there is also someone in the crowd with $65,000 worth of pocket sized recording equipment. And you know what? That's fucking great! There is no better souvenir than a high quality recording of the live show you were at. With that said, the last thing you want is to be sitting next to that person while the tape is rolling. If you think we're cranky about the shenanigans people pull at concerts, we've got nothing on The Bootlegger.
That ironic "Members Only" jacket you're wearing? It's making a sound that their high end $1200 microphone keeps picking up, take it off please. Just where do you get off clapping and showing enthusiasm over an expertly executed guitar solo? If you want to express your admiration, leave a comment on the band's MySpace page. And that barely audible whisper to your friend about jumping the guy who keeps shushing you during a goddamn rock concert? Too loud, please limit any future correspondence to mental telepathy and hand signals only. Or alternately, just find him in the parking lot after the show. He'll be the guy driving the rape van with the giant antenna on the roof.
"I am a skilled technician who deserves the utmost respect and silence from a crowd of 20,000 people." What It Really Says About Them:"I may have flunked out of the audio recording and technology course at my local junior college, but the dream lives on." #2.
The Cool Parents
Unless you're checking out Hannah Montana, there is no good reason anyone under the age of 12 should be anywhere in your vicinity at a concert. (If you're reading this and you've been to a Hannah Montana concert without child accompaniment, you should just add your name to the sex offender registry now. Go ahead, we'll wait.)
On the list of things you shouldn't do with kids, immersing them in a sea of drunken revelers while jet engine decibel level music blares in their face has to be near the top. But the Cool Parent is too hip for conventional rules. In a perfect world, the parents would keep a close eye on their youngster to make sure they aren't running around annoying the shit out of everyone else. But if they did that, they wouldn't be shitty parents and, in turn, wouldn't have a kid there in the first place. Instead, at some point the shitty parent gene takes hold and the kid is left to their own devices.
This usually means standing on the seat in front of you or somewhere in the aisle next to you doing spastic little kid dances in an effort to siphon as much of your attention away from the show as possible. And while their parents have honed their ability to tune out their particular frequency of annoying, you and everyone else get to say goodbye to an awesome evening spent rocking.
"I wish my dad was cool enough to take me to rock shows when I was growing up! " What It Really Says About Them:"I will risk my child's hearing to save money on a babysitter. " #1.
The Chronic Alcoholic
The Chronic Alcoholic is the alpha and omega of concert nuisances, a wobblier, pukier version of every one of the assholes we've mentioned up to this point with the exception of the cool parent (although there's a good chance they'll be peeing their pants and crying like a giant toddler by the end of the night). Of course, there's nothing wrong with enjoying a few drinks at a concert. Who doesn't do that? But for the Chronic Alcoholic, drinking is the purpose for and sole focus of leaving the house that night. They carry themselves with a special kind of swagger that says, "Really, there's a concert tonight? I had no idea."
You won't even know you're sitting next to this guy until right after the show starts. Up to that point, their seat is completely unoccupied because they're out in the lobby getting trashed. But at some point during that first song, they'll come stumbling and slurring their way down the aisle. Once that happens, you're in for a joyous evening of off-key singing, excessive talking and unwelcome physical contact. In addition to that, the following things are all but guaranteed to occur during your concert experience: -They will stumble into you, simultaneously spilling your beverage and theirs. -They will spill a drink on the aggressive meathead in front of them. -Your jaw will be shattered as part of the collateral damage from the ensuing fist fight. -There will be vomit.
"Hey man, I'm the life of the party." What It Really Says About Them:"Intervention? Nope, never seen that show. Why do you ask?" Check out Adam live in concert at ScenicAnemia.com. Check out some more assholes that make everyday life that much harder in 8 Customers Everyone Hates and Why Tech Support Sucks: A Look Behind the Scenes. And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks to see DOB's wicked "Freebird" solo. |
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You forgot the really really tall guy who makes his way to the very front by the third song, who is usually also wearing a ridiculous hat. He's often accompanied by friends that are nearly as tall as he is, and they all like to jump.
I saw the "cool parent" at at Rolling Stones concert. A mother with a boy almost six by the look of him. "And how did you like your first rock concert?" lol I had the alcoholic at a few (and have been same) two most memorable moments were Bob Dylan in 1995. Two obnoixious drunks making noise during the acoustic set to the annoyance of just about everybody, and The Damned in 2006. This one guy up front was yelling and screaming stuff at the stage and loudly singing along (except for Jet Boy/Jet Girl oddly enough) until the bouncers finally had enough and threw his ass out. I quit yelling "Freebird" about twenty years ago when I realized a. It wasn't funny anymore and b. That I really really HATE Lynard Skynard.
I was at the OZZfest in 2007 in West Palm Beach, Fl.
There were fathers with their little boys (ok so far) and others with little girls (ok not so far).
Plus adult girls wearing shirts with phrases like "It's not gonna lick itself", plus the usual drunks being carried out on a stretcher, vomiting, etc.
And the video opening of Ozzy looking at (I think) a Desperate Housewives tits, and all the other non-family show oriented video.
No skinhead beat downs? What kind of concerts have you been going to Mariah Carey??
While you may not have "forgotten" them, I would suggest as an honorable mention the "I love this song so much, I'm going to record it on my / my buddy's / my girlfriend's voicemail. In it's entirety." a*****e.
On a slightly related note, why is it when you go to a venue sponsored by a cell phone company, your phone doesn't work inside? I only ask because I heard this song at a Def Leppard concert recently that was so awesome I had to get a recording of it on my voicemail...
i am a hater of the hater, it's as if they seek me out in the crowd just so that i can listen to their rants about the band.
Ooooo, I had a "cool parent" a few years back at a PatD concert. I ended up either with my leg between his, or my elbow in his back during one of the openers. He and his 9 year old left, but then the 12 years showed up sans s****y parents. I kept harassing them with the girl next to me. That was fun.
What about the Crowd Puncher? They run around hitting people, usually get their ass kicked.
I once went to a concert and spotted a Whirling Dervish girl. Luckily I wasn't next to her, but I felt for all the people who were. What made her particularly annoying was along with throwing her hands up and spinning in circles, she was dressed like a f*****g CAT (not kidding, I really wish I was) with marabou-covered mittens, cat ears, and leggings. I really don't know what was wrong with this girl. Every time she clapped above her head, though, I could see in the light the explosion of little baby feathers raining down on her (insanely annoyed) fellow concert-goers.
Patchouli-smelling free spirits make me wanna kill.
Totally left out people having a social get-together. Every single show I've been to, not that I'm a hardcore concertgoer, but every single one I've paid hundreds for tickets and the people behind me clearly came to socialize and chat and make cell phone calls and pretty much do anything but pay attention to this artist they paid hundreds of dollars to see. WHY!!??? WHY WHY WHY???
I am 6'5", and on behalf of tall gits everywhere, I would like to apologize.
But I'm not moving, so deal with it!
I have encoutered all of them except the bootlegger.The one I tend to see the most that annoys me is the really tall git.HE's the one who goes right to the front when the support act is on and crosses his arms for all of their set whilst giving a very surly look.Then when the main band is on you are unable to see because the git is about 6ft 5, he doesn't care that he is ruining someone else's experience.
i know exactly where this is coming from lol! never seen a bootlegger though... should have included 'the stoner' lol
People actually deal with this? Half I've never encountered "lucky me" but most of the time you can get away with punching someone out and enjoying the show. "Opps, I'm so sorry, I was just trying to violently dance and it seems I've knocked that cell phone out of your hand and smashed it to pieces under my boots, oh well"
"sorry kid didn't see you there? Missing a tooth? My Bad"
I'm an ass though, if your pissing people off you don't want to be near me....
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My first concert was when I was 9 or 10. 'S Okay, though, it was just Stevie Nicks at Caesar's Palace. Didn't go to another one for 3 years (Fleetwood Mac reunion tour, MGM Grand)
You forgot The Douchebag. You know, the one that goes to a show by a band he's never heard of before all by himself, weasles his way to the front of the crowd, sometimes by buying two drinks and pretending one is for a non-existent friend so everyone moves out of his way as they're trying not to get beer spilled all over them. He booty dances at a rock concert, 'hits on' (harasses) the nearest female audience member, and tries (fails) to make friends with everyone around him so as to bum cigarettes later. Most of the time, the people around him will subconsciously gravitate AWAY from him, leaving him in a 2 foot radius circle of his own, which says a lot on a tiny, crowded floor.
God I HATE this guy. So much. So much.
What about obnoxious neon clad teenagers who have completely ruined Warped Tour over the last three years? Standing at the rail of the Bad Religion show covering their ears and throwing stuff at living legends because they are waiting for 3oh3 to come on. There is nothing punk about 3oh3, Paramore, Katy Perry, Gym Class Heroes, and whoever the hell Cash Cash is. They have ruined what used to be the best, most unpretentious festival out there.
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