There are plenty of Superman clones around the world, but few are as curious as Super Shamou. The first Inuit superhero, Shamou receives his powers not from another planet or genetic mutation, but from a shaman's amulet of caribou teeth.
How'd you think Santa's sleigh flies?
In 1987, creator Barney Pattunguyak oversaw the production of a Super Shamou program for the Inuit Broadcasting Corporation. The show featured Shamou patrolling Canada's Northwest Territories, saving uncoordinated children from falling off of boats and cliffs.
"Stop falling off of things, damnit."
The only footage we could find of Super Shamou's exploits was from the old comedy clip show Maximum Exposure, so just pretend that we wrote all the jokes (and that they're all bowel-burstingly hilarious).
Sadly, his exploits lasted only three episodes and one comic book. Why? The Northwest Territories have a population of around 43,000--we're pretty sure Super Shamou simply ran out of clumsy kids to rescue.
In 1996, Akihito Yoshitomi and his Japanese pals all sat down and decided that they wanted to create a new badass manga hero--so badass, that his power didn't make any goddamn sense. Thus, Eat-Man was born.
What were his powers? Well, Eat-Man--also known as Bolt Crank--could eat virtually anything that he could shove into his mouth and regurgitate back as a useful object, usually through his arm. Here's the standard trajectory of an Eat-Man episode:
#1. Eat-Man consumes something lethally inedible (in this case, gunpowder).
#2. One of Eat-Man's appendages becomes a ludicrous weapon.
#3. The monster soils itself out of sheer befuddlement.
#4. Eat-Man blows his enemy away. Our hero silently hoping that no one notices that his power is a magical form of bulimia.
The series suggests that Eat-Man came into existence before humans, citing a prophecy of a "man that eats anything" who will be mankind's savior. Hey, any messiah who can eat more than a dozen loaded firearms without reaching for the Beano is cool with us.
In our Justice League of Crazy, Super Shamou is Superman, Eat-Man is Green Lantern with an eating disorder, so Zsazsa Zaturnnah must be Wonder Woman, right? Well, this Filipino Amazon has a certain something in common with Aquaman, and that thing is a penis. Whaaa?
Somewhere, a very confused soul is wanking off to this.
OK, so it's a little more complex than that. Zsazsa doesn't have a John Thomas--Ada, her homosexual male alter ego, does. Double whaaa?
We'll just shut up and let the highly informative trailer for Zsazsa's 2006 movie do the talking:
For those of you who can't speak Tagalog/aren't completely insane by now, we'll clarify. Our story begins when Ada, a small town beautician, discovers a stereotypically pink meteorite.
Ada then does what any normal person would do when faced with a large, potentially toxic space rock: Hork the whole thing down in one gulp.
What is this? Eat-Man?
After devouring the cosmic mineral for no good reason, Ada screams the magic word "Zaturnnah!" and transforms into ZsaZsa, supermanwoman extraordinaire! Before you scoff at the total weirdness of Zsazsa's gender-bending escapades, know that the comic is extremely popular in the Philippines and has even been adapted into an award-winning musical. A superhero musical! Who'd be crazy enough to do that?
Read more from Joe and others at For Us...By Other People.
For more superhero insanity, check out Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins and 6 Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their Shit.
And swing by our Top Picks to see our crime-fighting car (it's a suped up Focus).