The 6 Most Baffling Superheroes from Around the World

A superhero symbolizes his society's loftiest ideals. For example, Captain America embodies America's freedoms, just as Batman reflects our national pastime of dressing as winged rodents and climbing on bat-shaped grappling hooks.

So what do the following heroes say about their native lands? We have zero clue, but if you put them together on a super-team, you'd have one fine Justice League of Crazy.

#6. Cutey Honey

Cutey Honey debuted in 1973 and is notable for being the first Japanese manga heroine. However, no one would mistake Honey for a feminist icon, as her ridiculous superpowers are right out of an anime nerd's wettest of dreams.

But first we have her origin story, which reads like the plot of Terminator Salvation mixed with Are You There God? It's Me Margaret. Honey Kisaragi thought she was an ordinary teenager until she discovered that she was a super-powered android version of her dead human self. She then realized that upon shouting "Honey Flash!" her clothes would self-destruct and she would turn into a busty redheaded crime fighter.

"Honey Flash," literally.

The most ridiculous part of all this is that Cutey Honey's garments have exploded in every damn adventure for the past 30+ years. Heck, even Bruce Banner finally learned to buy purple chinos in bulk, but, as this clip from her 2007 TV show demonstrates, Cutey Honey is still streaking for justice.

There's so much wrong here we don't know where to start. First note that the camera lingers on her sparkling, barely legal nudity way too long.

The slow-motion sequence finally stops after this crook is blinded by either her roundhouse kick or the sight of her horrifying robo-vagina. We're not sure which.

"Look at my uncanny valley!"

#5. Flash Bomba

Flash Bomba is the creation of famed Filipino graphic novelist Mars Ravelo. Because an accident crippled his legs, Flash trained the rest of his body to become super strong. After overcoming his handicap in a Lifetime-afternoon-movie-worthy fashion, Flash did what any plucky paraplegic would do: beat up a Tikbalang--a mythic beast with a man's body and horse's head--and steal its magic powers.

What amazing abilities did this reverse centaur give Flash? Crap ones. The Tikbalang was so irked that our hero got Murderball on his ass, he bestowed Flash with freakishly swollen hands and feet. Not just a little swollen; "Dom DeLuise drunk in an apiary" swollen.

In addition to being able to palm a dozen basketballs, Flash Bomba's hands have other "handy" super-human applications. He can summon demon horses (of course!) and clap loud enough to stop tornadoes, as seen in his 2009 TV series.

Notice that the crowd is appreciative but only lukewarmly so. It's like they're thinking, "America gets Superman. Japan gets that girl whose clothes blow up. We get Hamburglar at the Manila Gay Pride Parade."

And he has gout!

#4. Splatter

Splatter is an ally of Captain Canuck, a Canadian version of Captain America who is frequently mistaken for Guardian, Marvel Comics' own Canadian Captain America. So yeah, as the sidekick of a Z-list rip-off, Splatter is just about the saddest hero alive.

His powers are even more depressing. Splatter carries a special paintball gun and travels around the urban jungle via trapeze ropes. When he sees criminal activity, he marks the offender with a paintball splat so Captain Canuck knows whom to punch. Imagine if Robin did nothing except scream "LOOK! CRIME!" and you'll get a sense of Splatter's worthlessness.

Form of... California Raisin!

Splatter's alter ego is Manuel Ferrara, which is incidentally also the name of an award-winning French porn director. It's more plausible that Splatter is Manuel Ferrara's secret identity rather than vice versa.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!