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The 6 Most Baffling Superheroes from Around the World
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A superhero symbolizes his society's loftiest ideals. For example, Captain America embodies America's freedoms, just as Batman reflects our national pastime of dressing as winged rodents and climbing on bat-shaped grappling hooks. So what do the following heroes say about their native lands? We have zero clue, but if you put them together on a super-team, you'd have one fine Justice League of Crazy. #6.
Cutey Honey
Cutey Honey debuted in 1973 and is notable for being the first Japanese manga heroine. However, no one would mistake Honey for a feminist icon, as her ridiculous superpowers are right out of an anime nerd's wettest of dreams. But first we have her origin story, which reads like the plot of Terminator Salvation mixed with Are You There God? It's Me Margaret. Honey Kisaragi thought she was an ordinary teenager until she discovered that she was a super-powered android version of her dead human self. She then realized that upon shouting "Honey Flash!" her clothes would self-destruct and she would turn into a busty redheaded crime fighter.
The most ridiculous part of all this is that Cutey Honey's garments have exploded in every damn adventure for the past 30+ years. Heck, even Bruce Banner finally learned to buy purple chinos in bulk, but, as this clip from her 2007 TV show demonstrates, Cutey Honey is still streaking for justice. There's so much wrong here we don't know where to start. First note that the camera lingers on her sparkling, barely legal nudity way too long.
The slow-motion sequence finally stops after this crook is blinded by either her roundhouse kick or the sight of her horrifying robo-vagina. We're not sure which.
#5.
Flash Bomba
Flash Bomba is the creation of famed Filipino graphic novelist Mars Ravelo. Because an accident crippled his legs, Flash trained the rest of his body to become super strong. After overcoming his handicap in a Lifetime-afternoon-movie-worthy fashion, Flash did what any plucky paraplegic would do: beat up a Tikbalang--a mythic beast with a man's body and horse's head--and steal its magic powers.
What amazing abilities did this reverse centaur give Flash? Crap ones. The Tikbalang was so irked that our hero got Murderball on his ass, he bestowed Flash with freakishly swollen hands and feet. Not just a little swollen; "Dom DeLuise drunk in an apiary" swollen.
In addition to being able to palm a dozen basketballs, Flash Bomba's hands have other "handy" super-human applications. He can summon demon horses (of course!) and clap loud enough to stop tornadoes, as seen in his 2009 TV series. Notice that the crowd is appreciative but only lukewarmly so. It's like they're thinking, "America gets Superman. Japan gets that girl whose clothes blow up. We get Hamburglar at the Manila Gay Pride Parade."
#4.
Splatter
Splatter is an ally of Captain Canuck, a Canadian version of Captain America who is frequently mistaken for Guardian, Marvel Comics' own Canadian Captain America. So yeah, as the sidekick of a Z-list rip-off, Splatter is just about the saddest hero alive. His powers are even more depressing. Splatter carries a special paintball gun and travels around the urban jungle via trapeze ropes. When he sees criminal activity, he marks the offender with a paintball splat so Captain Canuck knows whom to punch. Imagine if Robin did nothing except scream "LOOK! CRIME!" and you'll get a sense of Splatter's worthlessness.
Splatter's alter ego is Manuel Ferrara, which is incidentally also the name of an award-winning French porn director. It's more plausible that Splatter is Manuel Ferrara's secret identity rather than vice versa.
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In the Philippines, it is not uncommon to hear during screenings of Superman Returns "f**k you, Lois Lane you blind b***h! Clark Kent is Superman but with glasses and that lame-ass tweed suit he picked up from Goodwill on Smallville! Bone him for the love of Christ and you'll see the spandex underneath that crappy oxford shirt!'
So yes, we do like our superheroes to have alter-egos so different from their superhero counterpart that evil villains would rather beat up that hot girl from the strip club rather than that sad tranny who curls their mother's hair on alternating weekends. Another type of superhero like this is Captain Barbell (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Barbell), also created by Mars Ravelo. While the guy is definitely no Stan Lee, he did create some weird s**t of superheroes that we have taken akin to Marmite: you either hate it or you love it. Although in Cracked's case, you either ask the dude what the f**k was he thinking, or what the f**k was he sniffing. Either way, he still remains a respected figure in the Philippine Comic world and so will be...until a new crackpot thinks of a better, crazier superhero that could span movies, musicals, a live TV drama adaptation, and a mention in Cracked's pages.
hey if you want to see more super shamou, contact either the Aborigonal Peoples Television Network (APTN) or Inuit Broadcasting Corporation (IBC) in Canada. i have seen a few episodes on there when i was growing up (i am frm Labrador Canada.. and i am also Inuit.. lol.. no joke)
Here is a video of some staggering superheroes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGN2L-56xbE
Their dance moves alone make you pray that they're the ones to come and help you.
The "f**k Bono" at the end of the article cracked me up ! LOL !
"look at my uncanny vally" lol
Eat-Man and Zsazsa are both pretty good series. Eat-man is at least pretty badass, and Zsazsa is well...entertaining.
@Alsebra : He/she says "You go home and plant kamote, you (some words I don't understand)". "Kamote" being "Sweet Potatoes". Not technically insulting, but, judging how the girls seem to be "sosyal", it's the same thing as telling Oprah to sort your garbage.
@Hamsterjelly : Because "Matinding Palakpak ng Kulog!" just doesn't have the same ring.
Splatter has got to be the most pathetic
The only thing that sucks is that the article title says "6 Most Baffling Superheroes from Around the World" yet the only countries involved are Japan, Canada, and the Philippines. Still a great article, though. And being Filipino myself, I'd like to ask the creators of the Filipino "heroes" what they were smoking.
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1712095
to tell you the truth. all our(filipinos) superheroes are baffling. and weird.
haha. flash bomba is (by far) the corniest s**t philippines tv has made. the comic version was fun enough to use puns. zsazsa zaturnah was better! at least it was entertaining.
and those two weren't the only baffling superheroes we have xD
there's this one where he's small. and fights...im not really sure...
Reverse Centaur is like something you really wouldn't want to wake up next to in the morning.
Say what you want about Super Shamou, more heroes should rock that style. Male Pattern Baldness and a 'stache, it's like a knee-breaker from the Taiwanese mafia coming looking for his money.
21 is still barely legal? I'm a dirtier old man than I thought. That said that clip was pretty bad.
There should be a Eat-man movie starting John Goodman... Wait! My bad, that's his role in every movie. Bang.
Half naked space Asians, flamboyant homosexuals, and Power Ranger quality special effects? Zsazsa is the GREATEST SUPERHERO EVER!!!
It wasn't the fact that clip from the Japanese thing was of a (for Japan) barely legal girl walking around naked, in so-mo that was weird and a little painful to me.
Did that clip have to go on THAT long? I mean, I liked Sailor Moon, and tolerated its transformations when I was a kid, but that was because stuff got DONE during them.
@nix517,
you're an idiot. and a drama queen. f**k you.
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I was born in America so most of you won't believe this but the lead role Zsa Zsa is my f*****g aunt and I have to say thats funny and I kinda feel sorry for her. The thing is I didn't even relize it was her till I saw the end and before I knew it was her I thinking that she was hot. Wtf is wrong with people in the Philippines