#2. Fight for Your Right to Wizard-cest-aedophilia
When is it OK to draw pictures of underage children having sex?
If you have to think about the answer to that question for very long, you have apparently gotten here by badly mistyping "LiveJournal" in your address bar. That site is, for whatever reason, a haven for all sort of images that would be illegal as hell if they were not hand-drawn cartoons.
But maybe LiveJournal isn't so fond of this reputation, as they suspended the accounts of users "ponderosa121" and "elaboration" because erotic pictures of Harry Potter and the Weasley twins, which they say violated the terms of service, copyright laws and the fundamental tenets of a civilized society.
This suspension triggered a tidal wave of Internet whining not seen since Doritos last changed their flavors. Fans stormed the site, with statements of civil rights violations that would make Martin Luther King cry:
"'Obscenity' is the perfect tool to weed out everything that doesn't fit in a nice, clean, straight, male-dominated and preferably white world," said a user named erestor as quoted in news articles on the subject.
We're not showing the image. Use your goddamn imagination.
Yes, erestor just compared the right to draw paedophilic porn to the civil rights movement, universal suffrage and gay rights. If only he'd mentioned Hitler he would have completed his Internet-outrage-bingo card.
#1. Harry Potter Symposium
Twelve hundred people paid full price for a three day symposium, "Lumos 2006," which started at 9 AM in a Las Vegas conference center with a Powerpoint presentation on "Muggles and Mental Health: Rites of Transformation and A Psychoanalytical Perspective on the Inner World of Harry Potter." We are honestly a bit less sane just from reading that sentence.
Other talks included "Comrade Potter: A Marxist Reading of Harry Potter," because if there was one thing missing before we all embraced communism it was a tiny billion-selling fictional wizard left independently wealthy by his parents through no skills of his own.
But that isn't even nearly the worst. Brace yourself. We're not kidding, get ready. And remember that if you punch through your monitor you won't be able to read the rest of the article:
"Parallels in Tyranny: Voldemort, The Ministry of Magic, and Jewish Persecution."
How the speaker even made it to the conference without being beaten to death is unknown, but we can tell you: If you can make parallels between the Holocaust and Harry Potter and honestly believe you're contributing to society, keep your ass at least one ICBM range away from our boots.
Now, some of you are thinking, sure, that's a pretty douchebag topic to come up with there, but surely it's not as bad as cartoon kiddy porn. Oh, right, we forgot to mention the Harry Potter Porn Powerpoints.
"DEAR GOD, WHAT HORROR HAVE I BIRTHED INTO THE WORLD?!?"
A 200-woman conference room--which we imagine must have smelt strongly of cats--got together for a talk on "Out of Bounds: Transgressive Fiction," which meant Snape and Hermione fiction. And if you believe any words in the stories discussed even rhymed with "consensual," then can we come live in your world? It seems nicer there.
For more disturbing tributes from an even more disturbing fan base, check out The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction and The 6 Weirdest Fan Tributes to Mario Bros.
And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks or we'll Avada Kedavra your ass right now.