7 Random Animals That Decided The Course of History
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#3.
The Greyhound that Created the Church of England
Even if you know nothing of history, you probably know Henry VIII as the guy who kept beheading his wives when they refused to bear him sons. He is also responsible for one of the most important events in the history of Christianity, when he broke from the Catholic Church and formed the Church of England. According to psychology professor, Stanly Coren, none of it might have happened if it had not been for one over-protective dog. At the time, Henry VIII had been boning Catherine of Aragon. But, noticing an alarmingly low number of sons spawning from her cooch, he lamented all this time wasted on sex (when drinking was possible) and brought some fresh booty to the court, Anne Boleyn. He decided to make her a permanent addition to his royal bedchamber.
The problem? This pesky Catholicism bit which is so uncool about the whole adultery-divorce thing. When Henry requested a divorce from Pope Clement VII, he sent his trusted Cardinal Wolsley to negotiate the deal. The story goes that during the meeting it looked like the Pope would give an OK for Henry to put his dick in Anne's Christmas Pudding. But Wolsey had, for some reason, brought his greyhound, Urian, along. When it came time for Wolsley to kiss the Pope's foot, as was the custom back then, his dog suddenly perked up and saw what he thought was some flamboyantly-dressed man about to kick his master in the head. The dog jumped at the Holy Father and bit him.
Clement was furious, ending the meeting and refusing the divorce. Henry would break ties with Rome over the incident, and the whole English Reformation followed. #2.
The Horse Who Cured Diphtheria and Reformed Medicine
Jim was a milk wagon horse who lived between the late 19th and early 20th century and, at one point, seemed to have had contracted diphtheria. His owner was ready to take him out back and send him to that beautiful farm up North where grandma and mommy's lover went last week, but something unheard of happened: Jim got better.
It looked like he had somehow developed antibodies for the disease, and researchers used him to create large quantities of diphtheria antitoxin that saved who knows how many lives. But he wasn't done making his massive and accidental impact on the world of medicine. In 1901, Jim contracted tetanus. This was bad for him, as it meant it was time for him to be shipped to the glue factory once and for all. But it was even worse news for 13 patients who were injected with Jim-brand diphtheria antitoxin that had been extracted after he got tetanus. This resulted in all of their deaths. That, doubled with a smallpox outbreak killing nine people, was enough to make the world wake up and realize maybe somebody should be checking this shit ahead of time.
So someone stood up and said, "Guys, call me crazy, but how about we start setting up some... standards, for stuff we put into our bodies, eh?" Seeing as it was 1902, the man was probably beaten heavily and placed in an asylum, but the idea became popular and resulted in the passing of the Biologics Control Act, which established the Center for Biologics Evaluation and Research, which itself set the stage for the formation of the freaking FDA. So now, when the government tells you that you cannot inject that liquid possum scrotum into your urethra, you will know to blame Jim. #1.
The Pig Who Gave Us The Dark Knight
We're not saying everyone in Hollywood is some kind of eccentric freak. All we're saying is that for years George Clooney had a 300-pound Vietnamese black bristled potbellied pig that sometimes slept in his bed. Max the Star, as he was called, often took part in interviews and in 2006 even took a ride on John Travolta's private jet, where he presumably tried to convert it to Scientology. But if Clooney can be believed, if we didn't have Max the Pig, we wouldn't have George Clooney the actor.
Back in January of 1994, when Clooney had Max but did not have stardom (ER would come later that year), a strong earthquake struck L.A., killing around 60 people and injuring thousands more. Clooney has said in numerous interviews that he was in bed with Max that morning, and that the pig, sensing the earthquake before the humans (earthquakes are apparently very similar to truffles in this regard) nuzzled his master awake. Clooney says this was the only reason he was able to get out of the building in time, and that Max saved his life. Now you feel bad for judging him for sleeping with a huge pig. Naked.
Anyway, if it hadn't been for Max, Clooney would never have gone on to become a superstar. He would never have wound up in a nippled Batsuit and for all we know, Batman and Robin wouldn't have gotten made at all. Thus there would have been no need to reboot the franchise with Batman Begins and of course, The Dark Knight. Clooney, meanwhile, would have been known only as a "nameless man found nude with pig in earthquake aftermath" in the "News of the Weird" column of USA Today. While not writing for Cracked, you can find Cezary at DrownYourself.com. For more historical animals, check out 7 Badass Animals Presidents Have Kept As Pets and 7 Ridiculous Cases Where Animals Were Put On Trial. And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks to see our office cat playing with some yarn. |
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Where is the source for these stories?
Awesome list.
These are all good, but there may be another enigmatic animal that changed all of history and was responsible for ALL OF FREAKING WESTERN CIVILIZATION.
That animal may have been King Tut's chariot horse. There is much speculation over how King Tut died, one of those theories being that he fell off of his chariot during a race because his horse was too fast for the boy-king to control.
King Tut fell off the chariot, and broke his leg. The leg, due to the pre-historic medical knowledge of the time, became infected and then gangrenous, which was a Bronze-Age death sentence. Tut was the last of the great 18th dynasty kings, and within a couple hundred years, the Ptolematic kings, or Greek pharoh-kings, including the likes of Alexander the Great, and Cleopatra took over, well, the world.
Egypt never again regained the power and glory of the 18th dynasty. With the rise of Greece and Rome came Democracy, modern Civil Government, plumbing and sexy gladiator movies.
Tibbles was female, man.
@ Bhugerie
i kno its terrible isnt it... and all we wanted was custody of the kids*COUGH money*...lol. and look whus grown up and followed in our footsteps...
neways wen it says in the article "But hey, if the King of Greece cannot step over a few Turks without the help of a bunch of Frog Eaters and Limeys, then something is very wrong with the world, right?" wtf is that suposed to mean. britain has the best trained army in the world caue they have less troops to send to war, they have to be better trained.
this was so funny aND SOO CUTE ^-^
We call Brits "limeys" b/c of their (your) Lord Nelson adoption of limes and lemons into the British Navy's regimen to combat scurvy during the Napoleonic Wars.
Of course that was back then. Nowadays we call you limeys because you're all a bunch of sallow-skinned mangle-toothed fruits.
Well, all except for this one: http://images.askmen.com/galleries/model/rhona-mitra/pictures/rhona-mitra-picture-1.jpg
Mr Tibbles, how could you?
why do americans call us limeys?
"@ Dheadshot.
The author lists himself as Polish. If either his writing name or his profile name are real, then yeah, he's definitely Polish. Says his location is Poland. Before bashing a guy for not doing his research, maybe you should do your research. Or just blindly hate on America, like all the other unjustifiably angry Britons on the internet."
We don't blindly hate on America man it's just that things have been a little awkward since we broke up and all man. I mean I know its been 200 and something years but it still hurts you know. We thought we had something special.. Speeeeeeeeeecial but then you guys decided you were better off on your own. You really hurt us America you got to understand that okay?
Hang on...let me check....
Yep. Says it's a humor site.
Good, 'cause I thought I had accidentally wandered into to a site for crazed nationalist nitpicking historians with serious spelling and grammatical deficiencies. Who promote porn sites.
No...it's right there...humor...
Okay, Humor 101. Why did the chicken cross the road?
What road it was, the type of pavement, the subspecies of Gallus gallus domesticus involved, possible incentives in the environment that could be motivating the chicken, the global location of the road (in an effort to determine the intellect of the chicken), the chicken's history of road crossing, the name of the chicken ..... none of these things factor into the joke.
The chicken crossed the road to get to the other f*****g side. End of joke.
I learned one thing from this article-pigs are f*****g awesome.
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1712095
"And that's how America came to be Christian..... THAT f*****g DOG!"
History is retarted when you put it like that.
DHeadshot: Ay, I am sure all those peasants living in a feudal society took great solace in the fact a few thousand years ago a bunch of old men in sheets decided to give everyone a say in deciding the course of their home town, as long as they were a citizen, old enough, not a woman, not a freed man and not a foreigner. But what do I know, right? I mean, it's not like the Magna Carta became the first step in spreading democracy in Europe, right? Boy is my face red now.... though that might be the booze.
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william97@ Dheadshot.
The author lists himself as Polish. If either his writing name or his profile name are real, then yeah, he's definitely Polish. Says his location is Poland. Before bashing a guy for not doing his research, maybe you should do your research. Or just blindly hate on America, like all the other unjustifiably angry Britons on the internet.
@Redjammy - Depends on what you consider a crime. Mugging some self-entitled suburban prat is the crime of the century and all, sure, but stuff like the Holocaust, European westward expansion in the US and the Spanish Inquisition, you didn't have anything of that scale going on in Africa until Europeans 'introduced civilization' to the continent.
Take your eugenics bullshit back to 1920 and while you're there, check up on the British Mandate of Palestine to see your white man civilizification at work.
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@Anras_Rune: It's called a joke. They're pretty common 'round these parts.