6 Species We've Nearly Killed Off (For Retarded Reasons)
The upward growth of mankind has been marked by the extinction of countless other species that got in our way, from the mammoths were were too tasty for their own good, to all the animals dumb enough to live where supertankers ply. It's natural selection!
But then, there are those species that, to any rational person, are being wiped out for no good reason at all. These are just some of the creatures who we're rapidly slaughtering for the pure hell of it.
#6.
Guajon: The Frog Too Horrifying To Live
Also known as "Cook's Robber Frog" and the slightly unfair "Demon of Puerto Rico," the guajon are small cave dwelling frogs. They are endangered for many of the normal reasons: habitat encroachment, introduced species eating them. Oh, and people killing them out of sheer terror.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Wait, What?!
Yes, in Puerto Rico, an innocuous two inch-long frog is being killed because they think it's kinda scary looking, believing that one look from the frog can bring down destruction and doom. So far, no one knows if Puerto Ricans have found anything peculiar in the fact that the creature they're so terrified of is also so easily defeated, but the smart money says that, no, they have not.
We're pretty sure this isn't the first species to get the genocide treatment because people were afraid of it, but we are also pretty sure this is the first one that didn't have fangs or claws and couldn't do much but ribbit.
Non-Evil Solution:
El Chupacabras. Go back to hunting and spreading legends of a non-existent monster and leave the damned frogs alone.
#5.
The Manus Island Tree Snail Makes Great Earrings
Of all the things to hunt to extinction, why snails? Sure, some people eat them, but it's not like people are ordering super-sized boxes of them at fast food chains. And it's not like they're causing much of a threat or anything; their most dangerous activities are "hiding in cracks if the weather's too dry" and "trying not to drown."
And while these creatures are partially threatened for the standard reasons (that is, chopping down the forest that the snails call home) there is another, far more ridiculous reason:
The booming market for people who want overpriced snail jewelry.
Ironic jewelery for hippies.
Wait, What?!
Yes, even though through most of history snails on a woman was a sign of poor hygiene, these days there's a demand for bling made from the brilliant green shells the snails are living in. Thus, now you find Manus Island locals making a living off of killing and selling these creatures.
Non-Evil Solution:
Boy, this is a tough one. After all, the dazzling colors of the shells really can't be imitated. Well, you know, unless you have some paint. It can't really be that hard; go to the beach, pick up shells, paint them green. Or use green rocks, like emeralds. They were born dead.
#4.
Elfin Tree Fern: Imprisoned In Your Living Room
On the subject of "Least Exciting Topic for a Nature Documentary," you probably thought we couldn't top snails, but you'd be wrong. Now, why don't you go ahead and guess what could be causing Puerto Rico's Elfin tree fern to go extinct. Did you guess? You were wrong again. It's TV. TV is behind this.
Wait, What?!
It seems that, in addition to the usual pressures that mankind uses to fuck up life for earth's children, the Elfin tree fern gained popularity as a house plant due to home improvement shows suggesting sticking them in a pot in the corner. The problem is the damn trees take 40 years to get to a decent size, so it was easier to go out into the wild and dig them up than to try and grow them at the risk of them losing popularity in the intervening four decades.
TV isn't the only reason these trees are heading for extinction, though that doesn't mean the competing reasons are any less retarded. People have been using the bark of these trees to carve out tiki statues for idiot tourists. And sometimes they make plates out of the wood, which they sell to idiot tourists. And sometimes they use the wood for "orchid bark," a substance used to cultivate orchids (which are predictably ripped out and sold to idiot tourists). Now, we aren't plant doctors, but if a tree is headed for total annihilation, maybe it's best that you don't make all of your shit out of its bark.
Non-evil Solution:
There are probably hundreds of thousands of other species of plant that can be put in a house or turned into a plate or a dumbass statue or whatever. Some of them are even trees and/or ferns. They even make fake ones out of plastic. Let's just brainstorm on this for a while.
To any one who is wondering about how puertoricans are so scared, I'll help you out. We're not. That little guajon frog is the COQUI, and we love them. The place where they are getting killed near extinction is Hawaii, where they were accidentally integrated and pose a threat to their way of life. So, get your facts straight, David, we love COQUIS, it's the Hawaiians who hate them.
ReplyWhy Is there a snow leopard in the header picture?
ReplyI had no idea the Elfin Tree Fern was endangered... we had about 20 of them in the backyard of my childhood home. Almost every house on the block had a few in the back or front yard. I don't even live in Puerto Rico, I live in Australia.
ReplyYeah, I'm still trying to figure out how transplanting a tree makes it "endangered". Especially if it's going into a stabilized climate like the inside of a house.
Being extinct in the wild tends to be a big deal.
And here I was thinking Chinese medicine was made out of lead and asbestos.
ReplyFunny considering the guide to ancient Chinese medicine actually noted lead as a medical substance.
All those creepy furry cannibals should be annihilated...and especially f*****g bugs and those annoying trees and plants too.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNah, f**k it, burn all rainforests with napalm and make the earth clean, full concrete, asphalt and flora & fauna free place.
And not to forget to nuke the seas...I hate those f*****g crabs, jellyfish, sharks and other disgusting man eating creatures which are waiting to tear off my limbs during summer vacations.
BURN 'EM ALL, I SAY!
Slightly amusing at first, but you were trying too hard for it to actually be funny.
Tried too hard, you do know there's anedit button right?
The dangers represented by animals is so tiny compared to those of our everyday life (car accidents, diseases, domestic accidents, criminality)
So.... tigers are Weeping Angels?? o_o
ReplyDon't blink.
It's easy to hate China for some of the stupid things they do, while forgetting that some of our ancestors in the U.S. essentially tried to commit genocide by wiping out the buffalo. We're also the same country wasting billions of dollars over many decades trying to wipe out a wild medicinal weed, and by criminalizing it thereby providing the majority of the funding for narcoterrorists who are currently taking over our neighbor to the south. I'm sure nothing bad will come of that.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWell, to be fair, we were intelligent enough to stop the former, and the species has had somewhat of a comeback.
Long live the buffalo! And down with weed!
Not the weed!
Way to use something like endangered species as a platform to b***h about weed.
I still like how china constantly contradicts itself on the one hand they get more aid money from the UN than any other nation(they say they need it because they are a "developing" nation), on the other hand they have a space program, they have a space program but they lack the technology to produce efective jet engins( they buy them from russia)etc etc
Replywell now i'm sad.
ReplyI don`t think wearing the tiger fur is much less retarded than burning it. That fur is meant for tigers, not humans.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAt least fur coats actually keep you warm.
So does synthetic fur
Real fur is an amazing insulator. Fake fur is itchy and gross looking and does not really keep you very warm. That said, rabbit fur works just as well, probably better, than rare animals.
And you can burn all kinds of other things besides fur. The point is that if you have a pelt and can either burn it for voodoo magic, or wear it around, and those are your only two choices, then wearing it is far less stupid than wasting it.
So tigers are Boo the ghost? They run away when you look, but the second you turn your back...
ReplyWhy did the Chinese never talk to Mario? He's right there in Japan.
Ooops got confused, it's Indians that do the mask thing.
Quick use the edit button!
A lot of the reasons are retarded, sure, but there's nothing to implicitly dictate that the loss of any of these species would somehow negatively impact the world on any grand scale, and no reason to assume that humans need to 'protect' a species or 'prevent' it's demise, or even not kill it 'just because'.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesTigers have made many a species extinct over the millennia, for many 'retarded' reasons (being a life form with less capacity for reasoning, one could argue that tigers do EVERYTHING for 'retarded' reasons), but people still want to protect THEM.
In the course of world history, far more species have gone extinct than have thrived, and even if man had a hand in the destruction, the extinction is still entirely 'natural', as the progress of man is 'natural' to the world in which man lives. Had any number of extinct species NOT died forever, human society wouldn't have been able to make the progress it has.
Unlike some of you, I value the genus to which I belong over any other.
Let's see tigers come up with 'Back to the Future'.
I'm pretty sure you're joking. If not, I sincerely hope your ignorant body rots in a ditch somewhere.
Well, it's actually pretty true. I'd choose alive tiger over dead tiger + tiger candle any time, yet when it comes to how berserk people get about some other species that are not really that interesting... Animal diversity is not really decreasing, just varying, and some species are just threatened by better adapted competitors (in most cases, that would be the Honey Badger).
Still, that article made me sad because there seems, indeed, to be no point in exterminating gorillas, tigers or f*****g RHINOS.
Hey, does Cracked censor the F word in comments ? That's ironic.
Ironic? I dont think you know what it means. I do, cus cracked wrote an article about it! :)
If they were extinct due to natural means, even if it was because of humans (see the Dodo bird, or any other animal because of human development) then you can make that argument, about us being too worked up over species that may not affect the world on any scale.
But these animals are being killed for no other reason than those retarded ones the article mentioned.
Also, tigers may make animals extinct due to wanting to EAT them. Not really a retarded reason, you know...
Im PR and thats bullshit. Theres no "demon frog". What you think this is? Some head hunter republic?
ReplyYes.
Not that Cracked is a gleaming example of research, but I just wanted to make something clear:
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesThe Coqui Frog is known as "The Demon of Puerto Rico" in HAWAII because it was accidentally introduced in imported plants and has no natural predators, has multiplied out of control and is wreaking havock on their ecosystem.
In the actual island of Puerto Rico, the Coqui Frog is a national symbol, a protected species and part of our culture and heritage. It is almost offensive to say we hate it and makes us look like dumb Neandarthals. It is true that progress and constant new roads and buildings are harming their habitats, but the little guy is almost revered in the island and we are extremely jealous of it. In fact many Puertoricans can't even SLEEP when they move to the states or another country because they are so used to it's characteristic chirp at nighttime.
Oh well, it does make me wonder about the other entries and how accurate they are.
This is refreshing to hear. That little guy is super cute.
The human species, as a whole, is pretty horrible when it comes to other animals. Even in the United States (where we like to pretend we are as civilized as they come, but still, at times, have truly archaic laws) they hunt animals to mount their heads on the wall or stuff them for a decoration to stick in a corner and collect dust. I have nothing against hunting if you use every single part of the animal you kill. I am entirely against hunting for sport though.
Withersting:
Thank you for correcting the information :) I'm glad those frogs that are actually pretty cute are protected :)
And I agree with JennifyrK
I searched the net and found nothing about the frog damaging the Hawaiian habitat. They seem to just want it gone because its noisy.
Completely Wrong. It's obviously the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka.
JennifyrK
There's a reason they have hunting seasons, mostly because without hunting many of those animals can breed out of control. Even hunters who take the heads or antlers usually cook and eat the rest anyway, so who cares if they waste the small amount of true meat (disregarding the brain) that is in the head?
You missed out shark finning.
ReplyAnd wolves. The retarded reason there: Because the White Man is afraid of them.
That frog isn't scary. It's actually pretty damn cute.
ReplyWe are really, really dumb, aren't we?
Replyf*****g humans, why do we always feel the need to f**k everything up?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesBecause we're f*****g assholes?
f**k fuckety f**k fuck fuck.
And some people wonder why some of us wish we could become something other than human...
I think you pretty much have to consider... if you're living in a jungle with no way to get food but to eat a gorilla... you're probably going to eat the damn gorilla.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesBut a gorilla could never be the only, or easiest to kill, thing to eat in a jungle. There would always be plants or smaller animals.
But everyone knows that if you wanna have a good night with your girl, become strong and manly, and cures flies in the eyes. Its the only way unless you prefer smelly gorillas that can crush with a single glance. just saying
Sofakinghigh, are you f*****g high? Wth...
Thanks for reminding me why I hate my species, Cracked!
Reply