CRACKED ROUND-UP: Now with Bowel-Disrupting Hallucinations.

OK, you love Cracked but there's a problem: You read all of our articles as soon as they come out, and now that you've finished our Saturday articles, you have nothing to read. Here's a free and simple trick to make old Cracked feel new again.

The Cracked Columnists!

Chris Bucholz started us off this week with a delightful little column about the downfall of western civilization as personified by Spencer Pratt. Brockway livened things up with by simultaneously degrading all literature on earth. Seanbaby became a cruel and unfathomable god, while DOB ate salsa and touched himself and thus was late with his article.

SCROTAL DISORDER

Chimney Sweep's Scrotum: 10 Bizarre Job-Related Illnesses.

The only illnesses that Internet comedy writers have to worry about are obesity and painkiller addictions.

Notable Comment: "How do farmers put clothes on our backs? I'll have to pay more attention to the crops the next time I'm driving through the country. Maybe I'll stop and pick me some new socks or a swell pair of slacks."

dilinger72 has never worn anything made of cotton, apparently.

SEXYPANTS\

6 Ridiculous Sex Myths That Are Actually True.

Sex: the sweaty, moist, kind-of-weird-smelling killer.

Notable Comment:Leperkhan, "my index finger is longer than my dick, whats that mean?"

It means that you shall never know love.

EVIL CATS.

5 Diabolical Animals That Out-Witted Humans.

Honestly, these stories only serve to convince us that someone has managed to figure out shapeshifting before we did.

Notable Comment:"can anyone prove that it was a bear that fucked up the traps and got the food? i mean how could you tell if he "f**k up the film roll" from the cctv camera?"

Beastg8, that's a very good question.

CRAZY PLUNGERS!

6 Retarded Publicity Stunts That Fooled Everyone.

This just goes to prove that all you need to do to get rich is be slightly less retarded than the average person.

Notable Comment: "Talking about them is just playing their game. Let's just ignore these people."

SalaKrestu, bringing awareness to deception helps to stop it from spreading in the future.

AND I FEEL FINE.

6 Best 2012 Apocalypse Theories (All Are Bullshit)

We at Cracked kind of hope 2012 is like that Shadowrun game. The table-top one, not the shitty computer game.

Notable Comment: "If it does happen at least we won't have to hear anymore nickelback."

dolphinml, we like the cut of your jib.

Cody Johnston

There's a Button For That: The First Cell Phone Ad.

Someday we'll feel this way about the iPhone. Hell, someday we'll feel this way about non-x-ray vision.

YOU YOU YOU!

What Pets Are Doing When We're Not Around.

We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Why You Were Late To Work Today.

WINNERS! The Craption Contest!

Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

Today, we decided to give you the winners for two whole weeks, because you're special! Or alternately, because we forgot to last week! Whatever!

6.11.09:

I'd eat the whole thing but that would be shellfish.
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

NO, I said we should have the biggest, most outrageous, and most glamorous PROM ever!
by jmble

6.10.09:

Where do I put my dick?
by feralboy12

Editor's pick:

The little known 13th step in AA.
by GaseousClay

6.9.09:

Dude, he was like "Tear this ship apart until you've found those plans." And I was like, "Whatever!" I didn't really say it, but I was totally thinking it.
by drew23

Editor's pick:

Excuse me while I kiss the skywalker.
by Ronin22

6.8.09: