#2. Truman the Octopus vs. the Locked Box
At the New England Aquarium in Boston there is an octopus named Truman.
Truman's keepers liked to assert their superiority by forcing their ward to perform a series of pointless tricks before allowing him to eat his dinner. All of which is condoned in the name of the creature's "enrichment," which as far as we can see means "No food until you entertain me, bitch."
This wouldn't be the first time that octopi have proven their intelligence to mankind. In March 2009, Truman's keepers decided the enrichment activity of choice was going to be lock picking, and Truman decided he'd had just about enough.
A locked acrylic box containing live crabs was placed inside a larger box--also locked--and the whole device was lowered into the tank. Expecting the octopus to resist playing along until the aquarium was closed (we assume this was Truman's usual behavior in an attempt to maintain some dignity) the keepers went on their merry way doing whatever it is that octopus caregivers do (we assume something Hentai related).
Acting out of character on this occasion, Truman paid immediate attention to the food-puzzle he was faced with. He began to patrol the box to assess how exactly he could get his tentacles on the prize within. His reconnaissance was rewarded as the intrepid creature discovered a unexpected weakness that was ripe for exploitation.
Three years earlier, the outer box had been used in a similar test on a different octopus. On that occasion, the box wound up getting broken, and a small hole was left near the lid. Truman, steadfastly refusing to work the latch that was his "puzzle" for the evening, commenced his own unique solution of pouring his body through the two-inch hole in the outer box.
Soon this 15-inch box contained one seven-foot octopus and two very surprised crabs.
Not pictured: crabs shitting themselves.
He never got to the crabs--remember they were inside the smaller interior box--but we like to think he had a larger plan, which was to protest in the name of mistreated, puzzle-solving octopi everywhere. "You like fucking with locks for fun? Well you better get to it if you want your PRIZED AQUARIUM OCTOPUS BACK, assholes!"
#1. Kelly the Dolphin vs. Capitalism
Meet Kelly, a dolphin who lived at the Institute for Marine Mammal Studies. Her trainers, perhaps out of laziness, decided to teach her how to pick up litter from her own tank.
This was encouraged by presenting Kelly and her chums with a nice fishy meal whenever they retrieved trash from their pool and brought it to their trainer. Life was sweet for the keepers, the pool was kept clean with fuck all effort on their behalf and the dolphins were happy enough with their little game. But Kelly, like all great entrepreneurs, wondered whether there was a way of making a profit from it.
And so one day, when someone dropped a piece of paper into the pool, rather than playing along with the game, Kelly picked up the litter and swam to the bottom of the pool, wedging it in place under a rock. The next time a trainer passed, she popped on down to the rock, tore off a tiny strip of paper and took it to the keeper. Bingo--she got a fish.
Holy shit! It worked! She had found a way to multiply her fishy return many times over.
When the paper ran out, Kelly decided it was time to expand her business. In order to yield more impressive profits, she needed something more impressive than a piece of paper.
Gulls are lots bigger than paper and they like to eat dolphin food, so they could be found hanging around the tank. Kelly tested her theory by catching an unsuspecting fish-stealing gull and holding it in her mouth until a trainer arrived, her little fins twitching in anticipation. Bingo--once again she hit the mark. She got a shit-ton of fish in return.
So now it was just a matter of attracting more gulls. The next time she was fed, Kelly stored a few fish under her rock hiding place. Once the keepers had left, she brought up a fish to use as bait. She caught another gull, waited for a trainer to come back, and proudly swam over to find herself once again rewarded with another shit ton of fish.
She then taught her kids to do it, turning "gulls for fish" it into a family business.
You have to impressed; not only was Kelly turning a profit here, she had done it by adapting her behavior to elicit the desired response from her keepers. She could get them to give her fish on demand.
That's right; Kelly the dolphin trained her trainers.
We've been warning you for years: The animals are rising against us. You best educate yourself with their wickedness, in 8 Animals With Real Superpowers and The 6 Deadliest Creatures (That Can Fit In Your Shoe).
And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to see our highly detailed plan of attack coded in the form of more dick jokes (animals can't stand dick jokes).