#5. Fiddler's Neck
Likely when you think of a violinist you think of an orchestra, a bunch of people in tuxedos and how god awfully bored you'd be if you were sitting there watching a dude who likely has five cats playing violin for a couple of hours. Well, now you can add a new image to that picture in your mind: hideous growths.
The pressure of holding the violin against your neck leads to Fiddler's Neck, a skin condition complete with scarring, cysts, and pustules. Play the violin long enough, and you can add hyperpigmentation and lichenification to the list.
So not only will you have a prolapsed anus growing out of your neck, but the skin will grow darker, bark-like and as thick as a lizard's hide, only not as pretty. Part of the cause of Fiddler's Neck has been attributed to poor hygiene, indicating what we always suspected; musicians are filthy.
#4. Horn Player's Palsy
Known by those medical types as "embouchure focal dystonia," Horn Player's palsy is when your facial muscles go all gimpy and leave you looking like you're constantly reacting to nude photos of your grandparents.
The high pressures created by the act of playing the horn, the vibration and the demands placed on the muscles can result in a general weakening and involuntary contraction of the facial muscles. The root cause is thought to be a misfiring of neurons in your brain, meaning playing brass instruments can actually cause brain damage. It can cause the facial nerves to become inflamed, leading to facial paralysis. This in turn may cause you to look like Droopy Dog.
#3. Cobbler's Femur
According to the fairy tales, cobblers were good-hearted shoemakers who were often visited by tiny elves who didn't believe in unions, wages or an eight hour work day and we're happy to spend all night doing the lazy ass cobbler's work for him.
In reality, cobbler's didn't even have midget porn to fall back on let alone magic elves and spent most of their days hunched over in a chair, stitching and shaping leather and then hammering soles onto their creations, likely cursing the whole shoe-wearing world at the same time.
Since they often used their thighs as support beneath the shoe as it was being made, the result was a large, horrifying bony growth on the femur from all those years of pounding away on shoes. Use your leg as an anvil, and your body will start turning it into one.
It looks like this condition vanished over time when some revolutionary cobblers finally figured out you can hammer shit on these things called "tables" instead of smashing it into your own body several hundred times a day.
#2. Rose-Gardener's Disease
Roses are the symbol of romance, seduction and bartering for sexual favors. It turns out they also are a source of Sporothrix Schenckii, a fungus that can kill you. If it enters through small cuts and abrasions, like the ones conveniently provided by the rose's thorns, it causes bumps and lesions at the point of entry, and along all the lymph nodes it crosses paths with. Left untreated, the lesions become larger and look similar to a boil, and eventually become chronic, weeping ulcers. The only thing sexier than a bouquet of roses is one handed over by a guy who has sores leaking all over the place.
If leaking thorn holes aren't your thing, the spores can be inhaled, which leads to symptoms like coughing, holes in the lungs and potentially tuberculosis because if a rose has to take you down, it's manly to go out spitting up blood and lung chunk.
Left untreated the infection can spread to joints and bones as well as the central nervous system and the brain. If this happens you can add weight loss, anorexia and bony lesions to the list of symptoms. Next time your girl asks for roses, show her this article.
#1. Miner's Anemia (Ankylostomiasis)
You probably already suspected that coal mining sucked as a job. A miner's job is short on sunlight and long on breathing in dust and crawling through cramped, wet spaces with thousands of tons of earth and rock waiting to cave in on you at any minute. But here's another nice little fringe benefit: Miner's Anemia.
It's caused by massive infestations of hookworms, infestations so large they actually end up consuming most of your red blood cells. It leaves your body depleted and anemic while the parasites gorge like tourists at a 99 cent colon buffet in Vegas.
So why has this happened to miners? Well, mines are big, dark and damp, and toilets hard to come by. Since diarrhea is another symptom, workers would often have to stop and drop one in the massive networks of tunnels where their unfortunate coworkers were likely to stumble through it shortly thereafter.
Poor lighting and worn-out shoes provided the hookworm larvae a chance to transfer to a new host, burrowing into the skin of the miner's feet and tunneling through to the miner's intestinal tract where they'd latch on and feast until they got shat out for the next miner to pick up, completing the shit-worm circle of life.
And check out our Top Picks for the work-specific illness the employees at Cracked like to call "Boobitis."