Scientology's 5 Newest Celebrity Recruits

#2. "Celebrity" "Musicians": Scientologists

Best Known For:

Rapping; Singing while pale; Teen heart-throbbing; Nothing.

(Apparently someone at the Scientology Celebrity Center grievously misinterpreted the meaning of the word "celebrity.")

Why We Think They'll Be Next:

You'd probably guess the only thing Doug E. Fresh (rapper), Edgar Winter (albino), Leif Garret (has-been) and Frank Stallone (Frank Stallone) have in common is "they'd suck the foreskin off a hobo for a week-old taco." And you wouldn't be far off.

"There's urine in this glass! My brother's a movie star! The government is chasing my dreams!"

But along with "real-life, actually famous Scientologist" John Travolta, they were all featured on the albums The Road to Freedom and The Joy of Creating, performing music and lyrics by L. Ron Hubbard. Album sales were naturally underwhelming, but it just goes to show you: For every closeted superstar who mines the vast network of connections and influence that Scientology offers, there's a washed up rapper waiting for someone to give a shit that they signed on for the crazy too.

However, Travolta has allegedly been tasked with converting "Bolt" co-star and tween obsession Miley Cyrus to the church, so they're at least trying to trade up.

Bad news Scientology: This is trading up.

They've got pretty good odds, too, considering 16-year-olds will believe all sorts of stupid stuff you tell them, including "I'm only gonna put the tip in," "Of course I love you" and "trust me, this is the only way to clear your Thetans. Now flip over."

What They'll Be Sacrificing to Scientology:

Their careers; dignity; virginity, if Travolta did his job right.

#1. Sarah and Todd Palin: Scientologists

Best Known For:

Snow "Machining"; skinning moose; incredibly modest political aspirations.

Why We Think They'll Be Next:

The Palins are obviously familiar with crazy ass conspiracy theory-type organizations. For 7 years Todd was a card-carrying member of a political group that wanted Alaska to secede from the United States (to be fair, we'd let them go, but they've got all our oil and crystal meth). Sarah Palin's pretty good at denying things--climate change, dinosaurs--so refuting she's a Scientologist should come pretty naturally. And finally, they name their children like they're already Scientologists. "Piper Indy and Trigger, meet Pilot Inspektor and Cosimo Henry. We imagine you guys have a lot to talk about."

One of Sarah Palin's top advisors, and allegedly the secret driving force behind her "SarahPAC" (the organization dedicated to Palin's future presidential ambitions), is none other than John "Top Operating Thetan Level" Coale, Scientologist attack-lawyer and husband of Fox news anchor Greta Van Susteren. Recently Van Susteren was seen squiring Todd Palin to some of Washington D.C.'s most exclusive brunches and munches, though notably preventing anyone from actually, you know, talking to him.

However, she bristled at accusations she was acting as his "handler." On her blog, she wrote "I did not bring a guest to be interviewed or grilled by the press...I brought the guest so the guest could meet people and have a good social time." This was after she blew her reptilian neck-flaps out like a rabid Gila monster at anyone trying to say "hi" to the dude.

We're even more convinced the Palins have known the loving touch of an e-meter after reading the memo John Coale wrote laying out an intricate gameplan for the Church of Scientology to cultivate politicians SPECIFICALLY through the kind of Political Action Committee he's set up for Sarah Palin.

It further outlines how to get around the legal aspects of a tax-exempt "church" trying to influence political policy-makers, as well as specifying support should only go to candidates for federal office, such as President, Vice-President and members of Congress. Which gets more interesting when you find out John Coale was a vehement Hillary Clinton supporter right up until the very second she lost the Democratic Presidential nomination, whereupon he immediately switched his loyalties to Sarah Palin.

Maybe--unlike most/some/please stop suing us, Scientologists--he just likes chicks. Or perhaps, as the incredibly attractive Van Susteren (we're begging you, we've only got the one dog left), insists, the families are "simply good friends," what with all the softball, foot-rubbing interviews she gave the Palin family on Fox News over the past couple months.

But Todd and Sarah strike us as the type of weak-minded public figures that have L. Ron Hubbard jerking off in his grave. Or maybe they're just weak-minded like a fox, and realize if anyone's gonna get Sarah elected president, it's a bunch of rich, influential, functionally retarded celebrities who think we all used to exist in past lives as aliens living in societies called space operas. (Note: The only reason we provided a link is because we can no longer tell the difference between the pigshit-insane things Scientologists actually believe in and the exaggerated fake beliefs we make up when we're mocking them.)

What They'll Be Sacrificing to Scientology:

Nothing! Palin & Palin in 2012!!!

Having trouble keeping track of which celebrities believe that you're an alien rape baby? Be sure to consult our comprehensive Scientology Star Map.

And check out Karla's original: The Top 10 Secret Celebrity Scientologists. Or find out about some action stars whose careers might benefit from jumping on the Scientology bandwagon, in 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity.

And check out's Top Picks for our Scientology endorsements that will hopefully stave off the lawsuits.

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