After he simultaneously impregnated and asexualized Katie Holmes, we're all a little sick and tired of Tom Cruise's Scientology-related antics. Luckily, there's a brand new list of celebrities that the CoS has marked as next in line for access into the Scientology jet. Or boat. Castle? Where do Scientologists practice? Anyway, here's a list of the lunatic Scientology prophets of tomorrow. Granted, they're not all Scientologists yet, but give it a few years and they'll be drinking the Scientology Kool-Aid. Or eating the Scientology Taco. Sucking down the Scientology Slurpee? Anyway here they are.
5Will Smith: Scientologist
Best Known For:
Jiggyness; giant wooden spider-fighting; heir to the kingdom of Bel-Air.
Why We Think He'll Be Next:
For years, rumors about their respective sexualities have plagued Will and Frito-sized beard, Jada Pinkett-Smith. Enter Scientology. As a ruthless corporation able to smokescreen the private sex lives of celebrities, the Church actually provides a pretty valuable service (but come on, John Travolta, meet them halfway. You can't suck the lettuce out of your boyfriend's teeth on a tarmac and expect Scientology to use its Men in Black mind eraser on America. "But I did it in front of a plane!" That's not how it works, John. You just made the plane gay too).
In a 2007 interview, Smith admitted to studying Scientology with Tom Cruise, but then probably realized how crazy that sounded and backpedaled with a weak qualification that he's a "student of world religions" in general. "Ninety-eight percent of the principles [in Scientology] are identical to the principles of the Bible... I don't think that because the word someone uses for spirit is 'thetan' that the definition becomes any different." Big Willy Style makes some cogent arguments here, as would be expected of a man who's pretended to be a sassy cowboy. Anyone who's read the Bible can tell you the terms "spirit" and "frozen alien volcano ghost " are pretty interchangeable. Ask a priest!
But the biggest indicator that Will thought Men In Black was a documentary was when he and Jada spent millions to found the New Village Leadership Academy, a school based on the teachings of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.
When an actor thinks he's smart enough to educate his children in his kitchen, that's a harmless joke, because everyone sort of understands that Will Smith's kids are going to grow up and be retarded, and that's funny. But when he builds a school and starts handing out diplomas to the neighborhood kids, the joke's gone a little too far. If the Fresh Prince wants to take out his son's tonsils, that's between him and the police, but that doesn't make him a doctor, no matter how many times he paints HOSPITAL on his garage door.
What He'll Be Sacrificing for Scientology:
Forced to ritually murder DJ Jazzy Jeff as to achieve Level 8 Operating Thetan level.