The Shady Agendas Behind 5 Popular Conspiracy Theories
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Do you ever wonder why some conspiracy theories, no matter how retarded they sound, seem to never die? Where do these things come from, anyway? Well, it turns out that politicians have realized that in the Internet age, a good conspiracy theory can work wonders. So why not just start one? You know, like... #5.
Barack Obama's Citizenship
The Theory: Barack Obama isn't a natural born citizen of the United States and so legally cannot be president. He wasn't actually born in Hawaii and the Government is concealing this fact by refusing to release his Birth Certificate (or releasing a forgery). Who's to Blame: World Net Daily. This one started spreading through chain e-mails during the recent Democratic primaries, when office workers the world over were reading about how Barack Obama couldn't be president (in-between learning how to increase the size of their penis for pennies a day). For some strange reason nobody seemed very concerned about his citizenship when he was a mere Senator, but that was probably just an oversight on the part of the rigorous journalists and fact-checkers who create chain e-mails.
However, it wasn't until the idea escaped the confines of the Internet and forced its way into the mainstream media that it truly emerged as a full blown conspiracy theory. This was in large part thanks to WorldNetDaily, an ultraconservative news site that was the first major media outlet to report the idea. After that, WND columnists brought the theory to radio talk shows, and then it spread to FOX News and other TV outlets, snowballing from a series of e-mails into a national talking point. So, Why do People "Believe" It? Despite the overwhelming physical evidence (the Obama campaign did in fact produce a copy of his birth certificate, and others even dug up the local Hawaiian newspaper from 1961 that has the Obama family birth announcement), it was promoted quite heavily by some Conservative commentators right up to Election Day and lives on in places like the Free Republic forums to this very day.
After all, you already had a guy with a foreign-sounding name, so what better way to influence a Presidential election than by suggesting the candidate is about as American as borscht? Now that Obama has been elected and the Supreme Court has shot down legal challenges regarding his citizenship multiple times, the vast majority of political commentators quickly let this one die. A few committed critics of Obama still cling to it, though. After all, conspiracy theories never really die, they just wait for people to forget the evidence against it and bring it up later (hell, they've kept the JFK assassination conspiracy theory alive for 46 years). Right up until the day Obama leaves office, there will be a pocket of those who hold out hope that one day a birth certificate will emerge that shows Obama was born in the mountains of Pakistan from the womb of Satan, and then he'll be forced to flee the White House, revealed to the world as the gay communist Islamofascist terrorist they've always known him to be. #4.
The "Clinton Body Count"
The Theory: While Governor of Arkansas, Bill Clinton, with the help of Hillary, was involved in a cocaine smuggling operation and that he's had upwards of 60 people assassinated for threatening to reveal his secrets or for just generally annoying him. Who's to Blame: Richard Scaife, a billionaire who really, really hated Bill Clinton. Scaife was really unhappy about Bill Clinton being president. And not in the "I'll voice my displeasure with his administration with a rant in the comments section of this YouTube video about kittens" way. He preferred the "I'll invest millions of my dollars in a campaign to discredit him" method.
So Scaife created the Arkansas Project, which ran a series of investigations designed to damage and ultimately end Clinton's presidency. A lot of what they looked into was legitimate, or at least believable: shady real estate deals, Bill's raging libido, and so on. And then, there was the suicide of Vince Foster, and they took the project to a new, crazy level. Vince Foster was the White House Counsel (legal guy) who turned up dead. Three separate investigations ruled it a suicide, but members of the Arkansas Project produced a 1994 film that suggested, with the help of sinister music and shadowy witnesses, the Clintons were responsible for the murder of Foster and many more, killing anyone who was getting too close to their secret, drug-fueled past.
So, Why Do People "Believe" It? Vince Foster's death became a huge talking point in Republican circles, fueling speculation about Clinton abusing his power. More importantly, it got people talking about the legitimate, non-fake scandals Foster was connected to, which ended up damaging the Clintons' image. And once something works in politics, you don't drop it until your dying breath. Or until the election is over. A number of people involved in the Arkansas Project would eventually admit they thought the Foster thing was bullshit, and Scaife himself would later endorse Hilary Clinton for president, which suggests that either he agreed that the whole theory was retarded, or he had no problems with a mass murderer running the country. #3.
The Jews Secretly Run the World
The Theory: All of the "big" conspiracy theories, the ones that claim shady organizations secretly run the world, all seem to blame the Jews at some point (often this is coded into "international bankers"). Who's to Blame: A Russian book called The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. This is supposedly a book written by a secret cabal of Jews that details how Jewish people will take over the world through trickery and deceit. Also through porn, there are two chapters about that.The book is a hoax, generally believed to have been fabricated in 1895 by a Russian journalist named Matevi Golovinski. In an act of outstanding journalistic integrity, he wrote a fictional ancient document by plagiarizing a satirical work that criticized Napoleon III. All Golovinski really did was replace Napoleon with Jews and called it a day, making him the laziest anti-Semite in the history of the world.
This one has been proven to be a forgery and a hoax many times over, and there's also the fact that anyone who is serious about conquering the world probably wouldn't write their plan out and make sure it was widely distributed. In fact, it's been known that the book is a fake since 1905, after an investigation was ordered by the Russian government. But don't tell the conspiracy sites, Neo-Nazis and the world's angrier Muslims who still quote it as their key piece of evidence against the Jewish conspiracy. To them, that shit is as sacred as The Torah. So, Why Do People "Believe" It? Remember when we said that conspiracy theories never really die? Well it's even truer when they involve the Jews, who have been persecuted pretty much everywhere they've lived since, we don't know. Abraham? And these days there's this little Jewish state called Israel that isn't on the best of terms with some of its neighbors. Well, the book was the perfect piece of propaganda and soon after Israel was established surrounding governments started cranking out copies. It's a best seller in Syria and Iran. Saudi Arabia teaches it as fact in their schools, and organizations like Hamas and Hezbollah give away large numbers of copies. Strangely enough the book is also very popular in Japan, but in that translation the Jews are all 12-year-old schoolgirls that pilot kosher robots, so it's difficult to make any comparisons.
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The thing about global warming...
IF it is real or not is not known... Like at all.
There is a rise in temperatures and changes in weather that is notiibly different. but...
We honestly only have creditable information about this as far back as 70(roughly) years. Even then most of that information is from 1st world countries. Africa wasnt all up on Geology back in 1930s... even if all information we had was stellar... 70 years isn't even a full eye blink in earths life. Even if we have 140 years of information... Regardless my point is that there is no definite proff either way. Scientist who are saying its true are not "lying" because they honestly bielive it. There not evil, or stupid, or anything. They see a problem and are spreading word with the thought of fixing it. The problem is earth exsists without us. Things change. Life moves on. Yes things need to be done to fix our enviroment. Unfortanitly this one might not be fixed by going green.
@pass_the_pigs, eaststand, jimjambonks,
You're idiots. You've obviously never learned how to be smarter than everyone else, do you? You don't f*****g say "there's very little credible evidence of global warming" and expect anyone to agree with you. At least provide links to the evidence against global warming before saying bullshit like that. I, on the other hand, have plenty of evidence. Not a single real scientist that isn't on a company's payroll believes that global warming isn't true.
You conservatives are made butthurt too easily. Why would they make it up in the first place? To restrict the economy? To make themselves and their country ineffectual?
Obama's mother is a US citizen so even if he wasn't born in the US he'd still be a citizen of the United States.
See, as a Marxist myself, i always assumed the government invented global warming as a means of keeping working and lower-middle class moderates distracted from how badly thy're f*****g us over, thereby reducing the number of radicals and making revolution near impossible. And now I learn they're blaming us? f**k the government and world indstry, man! Why invent bullshit like that when revolution would make far, far more sense...
right...theres no evidence of global warming existing, but after all cracked really isnt really known for its "smart" articles, humorous yes, but educated? probably just what they found on wiki and mixed up with a few cuss words is the usual routine. its not to say global warming is a hoax, but its a theory with very little credible evidence to back it up. didnt deserve to be number 1 seeing how its not as ridiculous as jews running the world but cracked in its infinate wisdom and politcal bias would have coarse put the one with the most likely to be true as number 1.
*sigh* whats wrong with the world, obamas AND mccain were TOTAL idiots, one just hid it better than the other.
Great Article, aside from global warming: There is no actual evidence it exists. Its called climate change, and it happens on earth. Remember the ice age? It'd be nice if we could actually stop it by going to work in a vegetable powered car, but unfortunately, as time will show us, we cant.
"Saudi Arabia teaches it as fact in their schools"
Not true.
Minicow says,
"See, that's the funny thing. No one actually did "check the s**t out," there was no proper background check, nothing. Just constant shrieks of "NO YOU STUPID RETARD CONSERVATIVES OF COURSE HES AN AMERICAN NO DON'T CHECK WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT NO STOP TRYING TO CHECK STOP IT STOP IT STOP OK IM GOING TO f*****g SUE YOU NOW STOP TRYING TO ACTUALLY CHECK THIS OUT"
Yeah, here's the funny thing. I'm not going to call you a stupid retard because you're conservative. I'm going to call you a stupid retard because you make stupid, retarded statements. Just repeating stupid, untrue things that even 10 minutes worth of basic research would let you realize it was stupid and prevent yourself from making stupid f*****g bullshit arguments. But no. That would take intelligence. So you're going to whine and play the conservative martyr card, and play the Obama Conspiracy Is Killing Conspiracists With Law card -- as if it's not you f*****g conspiracy nutcases filing lawsuits, against Obama, against the Federal Government, against the State of Illinois, etc etc.
""Yeah, as soon as Obama *actually* releases his birth certificate, instead of his current method of burying it, releasing a certificate of live birth instead, and hiring dozens of lawyers to prevent his birth certificate's release, then I'll agree that it's a silly conspiracy theory.""
100 to 1 you've never even heard of a "certificate of live birth" until you got this conspiracy s**t pounded into your pretty little head. You whip it out like it's just common sense and of course you know what you're talking about, but you clearly don't.
No one is "burying it," ya f*****g moron.
""At the moment, his actions either reveal him to be one of the stupidest politicians in history (which he isn't), because why not just release the damn thing if he has nothing to hide?Or they reveal him to have something to hide. Those are the only two possibilities, and we *know* Obama's an excellent politician. So yeah.""
""
Your argument reveals you to be one of the stupidest people in history (which you aren't). It's just the "UNLESS YOU'RE A TERRORIST YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE!" imbecility. You seem to think that unless I were, for example, to give you any and all information you demanded, I must therefore be -- well, whatever. A Jew, maybe. A Kenyan. A Non-Citizen. An alien.
And of course what, the newspaper report about Obama's birth? That was faked. Buried. CONSPIRACY! I suppose the birth certificate too? CONSPIRACY. Like the 9/11 "Truthers", you play the game where you "ask questions" and ignore the answers, and then try to make like the alleged lack of answer is sign of how obviously right you are.
Why bother answering anything you ask? Why bother? You're just going to ignore facts, ignore reality, and continue baying at the moon because you're a f*****g moron
Articles like this one are a blast. Firstly, because they are hilarious and true. Secondly, because the ensuing ideological dick-measuring contest that ensues in the comments section is always solid gold.
"I'd better post a multi-part essay in the comments section of a comedy website! That'll show those strangers that I'm smart and right!"
Global Warming may be occuring but it has occurred since Earth was first formed along with Global Cooling as well. Man's activity has no bearing on the cycle making Al " I couldn't beat Bush" Gore's concept of Global Warming the biggest hoax in the history of mankind.
Who is behind these rumors debunking legitimate conspiracies, and what are they REALLY up to? Are they funded by International Bankers? Did you note that they blocked out Obamas "birth certificate" number? What are they hiding
another obvious piece of evidence, is the decline of species such as the polar bear and the dissapearance of glaciers all over the world such as Montana's Glacier National Park which, in 1910, had 150 glaciers. as of today, only 27 remain. the top of Mt Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, thought to be permafrost only 20 years ago, has lost 80% of its ice. the loss of ice isn't the only evidence. Africa, especially the region of Darfur and regions of the Sahel in Mauritania and Sierra Leone have experienced the worst draughts on record considering carbon added to the atmosphere relocates precipitation. this has led to a very recent phenomena known as desertification where the desert expands, sometimes to the extant of engulfing areas of villages or cities. giftedkidsnetwork.com/.../2008/03/dead-fish.jpg. Coral reefs, which are a necessary bastion of oxygen for the ecosystems living in warm waters of Australia or Kawaii have been bleached (deprived of the necessary nutrients to live) a staggering 70%. also there has been a signicant increase in wildfires, heat waves, and extreme storms, particularly Katrina, in the last two decades. need more evidence?
that's true that the world has warmed drastically several times before, but those periods, particularly one in the late middle ages, are miniscule in proportion to how fast the carbon levels are rising. and no, the hottest years was not a decade ago, it was 2005. the second hottest year was 1998, due to the enormous economic growth China witnessed after building more factories with technology that dates back to the 19th century. according NASA's Goddard Institute for Space Studies, global temperatures have rised 1.4 degrees Farhenheit since 1880, when industry became a global entity. however, most of the increase in temperature, has come in recent decades due to China and India's induction into the industrial world.
Yes Wallabe. Obviuosly we the people are way too stupid to think for ourselves and need a government (made up of more people but thats beside the point) to think for us! In short, blow me. Most of the Western World doesnt work that way and its a good thing it doesnt. And no Im not a Global Warming denier. Im open to the idea but I think before we ruin our economy and outsource even more of our jobs to countries that dont give a damn about climate change and who actually want to industrialize and produce something, Id like some more solid evidence. First, evidence that warming is actually happening. The hottest year in recent record was around a decade ago, which doesnt exactly fit well with the "world is getting warmer" premise and thus the wording has changed from global warming to global climate change. Secondly, I want to be actually sure that the warming is man made and not a natural shift in the Earths temperature. There IS scientific evidence that the earth has warmed several times, sometimes dramatically, in its history, long before SUVs or even humans existed. And as a final note in my awesome rant, yes conspiracy theories are pretty much bullshit across the board, though the good ones know to mix 10% truth, 90% bullshit in order to seem credible to those who get all tingly over conspiracies.
You know, you conspiracy theorists are right. Obama does indeed have something to hide, by choosing to not reveal a highly important piece of personal information to all and sundry. Displaying all the evil stupidity of a man who won't reveal his birth certificate to every person who doubts the authenticity of his citizenship. Silly Barack Obama, why don't you just placate the naysayers, start going all over the country waving your personal documents in the faces of all the people who demand it. You know, all those smart people who think they know so much more than everyone else. The kinds who probably /would/ run through the street handing out copies of their passports, B/Cs and medicals, just because someone asked.
I notice that Mark lists his location as Canada. I just wonder if that is so he can live in a more Utopian society whilst bashing the United States, or if he just wanted to feel a little closer to Sarah Palin?
Government regulation is reqired simply because a frighteningly large percentage of the population is uneducated, retarted, selfish, greedy or in other ways not in any way fit to do what is best for the common good. When s**t like global warming is threatening to royally f**k our childrens and grandshildres world up, then the people who actually knows the facts and are charged to take care of the people on behalf of the people has to take action. The only people who are supposed only have our best in mind is our selves and the elected government (sadly, government is corrupted all to often and serve the people who pay them off in stead of the people who elect them), and the government is probably also privy to all the best information before the rest of the people most of the time. If you wait for all the mouthbreaders out there (who often find fancy themselves to be quite clever for NOT believing in established fact like global warming and evolution) to learn how to read, then nothing will ever get done, or the world will be led by greedy tycoons only interested in money for more golf clubs and expensive whores. To many people are f*****g dumb, and the people who are not need to take care of them like passengers on societies short buss. If you let them near the scissors of uneducated decisionmaking they will poke their eyes out through the back of their heads before you can say "Go ahead".
"
I personally find it pretty amazing people think that Obama would have made it that far if he was a secret terrorist. Do you people know what a background check is?
To be a visa stamping monkey in the foreign service they do an extensive check on your background including criminal record, tax record, and all the foreign friends you have.
Don't you think SOMEONE would have checked that s**t out for a PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE during the entire YEAR that a Republican was in office? You think Dick Cheney would have let rumors of Obama go unchecked by whatever secret ninja assassin squad they have? "
See, that's the funny thing. No one actually did "check the s**t out," there was no proper background check, nothing. Just constant shrieks of "NO YOU STUPID RETARD CONSERVATIVES OF COURSE HES AN AMERICAN NO DON'T CHECK WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT NO STOP TRYING TO CHECK STOP IT STOP IT STOP OK IM GOING TO f*****g SUE YOU NOW STOP TRYING TO ACTUALLY CHECK THIS OUT"
Yeah, as soon as Obama *actually* releases his birth certificate, instead of his current method of burying it, releasing a certificate of live birth instead, and hiring dozens of lawyers to prevent his birth certificate's release, then I'll agree that it's a silly conspiracy theory. I wouldn't put much stock in it, if not for Obama's actions.
At the moment, his actions either reveal him to be one of the stupidest politicians in history (which he isn't), because why not just release the damn thing if he has nothing to hide? Or they reveal him to have something to hide. Those are the only two possibilities, and we *know* Obama's an excellent politician. So yeah.
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Great article. However, do you have any actual proof that The Jewish Peril is a best-seller and compulsory read in Arab countries? Otherwise, it looks like bullshitting the bullshitters.
The fluoridated water consp is a good one. Remember Dr Strangelove?