6 Hilarious Old-Timey Versions of Modern Vices The 5 Worst Things About Getting a Job in a Small Town The 6 Most Undeserving Lottery Winners in History

ROUND UP: Exhausted Edition.

Everyone at Cracked is tired right now. We've got the office tweaker managing the Round-Up today because he's the only one conscious.


The week here at Cracked started up with disappointment as Chris Bucholz wimped out on his weekly column. Thankfully Gladstone bucked us up by talkin' 'bout gay people. Meanwhile Michael Swaim reveals all of our dark comedy secrets, while Seanbaby talks about torture. Lastly, Daniel O'Brien mocked Kanye West. We eagerly await the upcoming anti-Cracked rap album.





CRAP RAP
14 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever.
This just in: sometimes musicians are gay.


Notable Comment: "Is it gay if I jerked off to this article?" Yes RPG. Yes.



SPARTASTIC!
5 Real Life Soldiers Who Make Rambo Look Like a Pussy.
If you want to feel like an absolute pussy, this is the article to read.


Notable Comment:In this post, RivenHale gives his tacit admission of steroid use. "I did sprout hair all over my chest as I was reading it, though, and I think my biceps grew two inches from the sheer power of reading this article."



CROMULENT
15 Words You Won't Believe They Added to the Dictionary.
This is one of our more depressing articles. If you still have some hope for the youth of this nation, you should probably stop reading now.


Notable Comment:SS28K invents a way better word. "These words are all asspoundingly gay."



COSCO IS GOD
6 World Changing Inventions (that didn't change shit)
There's nothing quite as beautiful as failure. Sweet, sublime failure.


Notable Comment:Cleverwebtech lives in denial, "The Segway will be big one day. the product curve simply hasn't caught up with it yet." Sure buddy. Sure.



TRAGICOMIC!
If 9 Stars Had Lived Long Enough To Embarrass Themselves.
Thank goodness they died young.


Notable Comment: "I was really hoping for an entry on Hendrix and Bob Marley. Bob could have become president of Ethiopia, a picture of a starvin ethiopian with a rastafarian hat, a joint in his mouth and a sign next to him with a picture of Bob that reads "four more years!". Not too sure what could have been of Hendrix though." Sprayette, if Jimmi Hendrix had lived there would be no heroin in the world for anyone else. He died, so that we might shoot opiates into our scrotums for a reasonable price.



FORNICATURE
6 Sci-Fi Movie Conventions That Need To Die.
Was anyone else confused by how many missiles that Romulan mining ship seemed to have? We're just not sure how many space-torpedos you really need for, y'know, mining.


Notable Comment:Kevinklaw sure has our number.

"Wait... Cracked is lecturing writers on BEING LAZY? When they've never had a single original thought in ANY of their articles? HYPOCRISY!!!"

We'd formulate a clever response, but we're feeling lazy. We're just going to let someone else do it for us. Commenters; time to shine.





JACK'S FILMS
No Homo: Get Out of Gay Free Card.
Ahh, gay jokes. The bread and butter of comedy.


YOU YOU YOU!
The 20 Worst Possible Ideas for Prequels.
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Great Historical Moments Ruined by Modern Technology.



Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

5.28.09:

Have you seen my dog??
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

When holding your boom box up to her window just isn't stalker-ish enough.
by Fkelleghan

5.27.09:

Oh god, the plane's going to crash and there's only one parachute. Wait, where's Benji?
by nimo

Editor's pick:

The Beagle Has Landed!
by QuickWit

5.26.09:

Really?!? On this side it's a urinal!!
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

Not the most subtle way to learn someone's pin number, but whatever works.
by Least

5.25.09:

Warning: You are about to enter a movie starring Ben Affleck.
by WOITAS

Editor's pick:

I never got used to the public toilets in Japan.
by geniuswaitress

5.24.09:

It's like grandpa wear his pants higher every time I see him...
by vancha

Editor's pick:

Damn! I left myself in my other pants!
by unquenchable

5.23.09:

August 8, 2009, 3:06 PM, Keanu Reeves becomes self aware.
by drew1

Editor's pick:

Chain male.
by Gaus

5.22.09:

In Space, no one can hear you sob quietly to yourself...
by hurrakane212

Editor's pick:

A museum so boring, even the exibits have to sit down and take a nap.
by svartorm

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