#3. The Orgasm Pill
The future is here! Why go through the time and expense of old-fashioned masturbation when you can get a prescription for a pill that will give you an instant orgasm!
Remember those old ads in comic books that promised a somewhat perverse world of X-ray specs, rabies-riddled raccoons and abundant facial hair? Deep down you knew that those wonderful products were too good to be true, but there was enough hope to convince you to invest. That is the exact feeling 99 percent of everyone gets when they hear about a supposed wonder drug that delivers an orgasm to its user.
Like a less disgusting Ron Jeremy. Also easier to swallow.
An anti-depressant in use since the 60s, this little pill has the sexual prowess of most NBA superstars but with less VD and paternity disputes. It also causes weight gain, nausea and, oddly enough, impotence in men; but even a fat, nauseous dude with a limp noodle has to be pretty stoked if he's having spontaneous orgasms.
And, sure enough, around one in 20 people that take the pill will get off whenever they yawn. Why yawning? Why not?
Lest you go thinking it's time to pop a few of these, put on a Renee Zellwegger movie and bore your way to sexual paradise, keep in mind that while five percent of people experience orgasms, most of the other 95 percent have the exact opposite reaction. But, damnit, we have to try.
#2. Sex with Power Tools
A man mangles his crotch on a piece of heavy machinery because he was negligently masturbating at work, unlike the rest of us who ensure we're masturbating at work responsibly.
This one comes off like either a horror story the guys down at the mill tell each other during night shift, or a piece of anti-workplace masturbation propaganda invented by Human Resources.
It was the good people at Snopes who tracked this down. But be forewarned. The following story is terrifying in every sense of the word.
We offer this as compensation.
One day, a lonely middle-aged fellow was killing time in a machine shop and feeling a little frisky. Apparently a thrill seeker with too much testosterone or a heretofore unidentified brand of functional retardation, the man sought a more exciting masturbation method. He had apparently made it a tradition to rub one out by grinding his genitals against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery.
You can see where this is going.
If you've ever humped a piece of shop equipment then you know how easy it is to lose yourself in the moment. You may also know how easy it is to get your scrotum caught in it and get tossed across the room by your now-torn open sack.
In lieu of the normal response of weeping in the fetal position while holding together his devastated dick meat, the guy grabbed the nearest staple gun and proceeded to pump eight one-inch staples into himself in a feeble attempt to patch together what was left of his sack.
Then he finished his shift.
He only went to the hospital three days later for treatment of a potential infection. At the hospital doctors found an impressive infection and another surprise, the entire left testicle was missing (likely some lucky coworker stumbled upon it at work later in the week).
The doctor wouldn't release the man's name for privacy reasons, but we're surprised every corporation on earth doesn't have this guy on a poster in the break room, with the slogan, "Ask yourself: Would this man have called in sick with the sniffles?"
#1. The Wedding Beastiality Video
A couple gets married and has the ceremony recorded. At the reception they decide to play the video, but instead of seeing the newlyweds exchanging vows, they are treated to a man exchanging fluids with a dog. And we don't mean via an I.V.
In 1994, Derek Jeffrey loaned a friend his camcorder to use at a wedding. Normally wedding videos are the sorts of things you let sit and get dusty in a closet along side the juicer you bought from HSN and grandma. On this day, however, they decided to watch the wedding video at the wedding reception, possibly because the bride had that memory condition from the movie Memento and couldn't remember what had happened earlier that day.
If that was the case, she was likely doubly confused when, instead of her nuptials, she and her guests were treated to a tape of a naked geriatric man's sexual conquest of a bull terrier named Ronnie.
Not Ronnie (probably).
Seems Derek had neglected to take the tape from his video camera and the camera man hadn't bothered to fully rewind to tape over it. When he was brought to court on charges of bestiality, his first defense was that he meant to erase the film, also known as the "I wouldn't have done it if I thought I'd get caught" defense, which rarely works.
Jeffrey went on to explain how it was an honest mistake. He said that he only made the tape after he and his buddies watched a porn involving people and animals. He then borrowed his neighbor's dog, presumably by not mentioning he wanted to defile the animal, and attempted to prove to his friends that the interspecies romance could be faked using camera tricks. And apparently this bit of myth busting required him to be completely naked.
Still, we like that he came very close to the "it was all done with CGI" defense that we've always wanted to try.
More Jackson can be found at The Last Gaffe.
Check out some more too-fucked-up to be true stories about sex in The 6 Strangest Objects People Were Caught Having Sex With. Or find out about some neat sex toys in 18 More of the World's Most Disturbing Sex Toys.
And check out some boobs in our Top Picks to see if you're still capable of achieving an erection.
We have some bad news: you believe as many myths about guns as you did about sex, that's doubly true for American History, and your favorite book sellers are now taking pre-orders for a text book written and illustrated entirely by the Cracked team! Hitting shelves in October, Cracked's De-Textbook is a fully-illustrated, systematic deconstruction of all of the bullshit you learned in school.
It's loaded with facts about history, your body, and the world around you that your teachers didn't want you to know. And as a bonus? We'll explain why the Bible has WAY more kinky sex than you'd expect.